Hearts of The Unbroken

[WordJunky]

Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help. Thanks.


Hearts of the unbroken

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression,
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,

We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding.
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies

[rowens]

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression,
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,


The last two lines of those stanzas, they are there for rhyme, but do you see what weak expressions they are? It makes the poem feel rushed and lazy. Is timid a noun? There's another word, but that might not work well either. But that's your decision. Or are hides timid?

Just know that I care,
That's all that should matter

Those simple lines can go somewhere. The two lines that follow sound phony. They make the first two lines sound simpler than they are.



Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,


That sounds better. But what is it saying?




We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding.
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,

What do you really think about all that?



Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies

[WordJunky]

Thank you sooooo very much for your input and advice, I truly appreciate you taking the time to break this down for me.

you are very correct when you say that it seems "rushed" as i had typed it on a whim. It was very rushed indeed.

As far as "timid hides behind Expression"...Well I guess I felt as though "timid" and "hides" were both passive expressions...feeling as though it represented my "cowering"emotion
The breach in trust was the "lies and deceit" in my relationship and love sunk emotion is relative to my disheartened emotional state of mind, i suppose.

as for the rest, you asked "what do i think about it?"
my answer would have to be unnecessary commentary that is not needed to give meaning to what i was truly trying to say...I see a lot of "filler" and words that are truly not necessary for the poem to flourish...
Thanks again SOOO much for your input! If you have anymore I would be happy to hear it

[ChristopherSea]

Being new to poetry, one thing to focus on is being concise and more concrete with your words. This could be trimmed to two or three stanzas. Another tip is to stick to images and avoid abstraction. Avoid the cliche and over-wrought expressions. You need metaphor, a central or core one is best. You have dozens of emotive words in here: glad/mad/sad/angry/pain/strife/demise, etc. Pick a couple and develop them.

[WordJunky]

Thank you so much for your reply Chris. That is very Valuable and "direct" advice. Exactly what i need to hear! Thanks a lot, I am trying to use yours an Rowens advice to develop something more "definable".

---

As a Novice in poetry i would like to propose a question in statement, that of my own perspective and thoughts of "expression" and writing poems
I understand the "direct in description" stand point, basically the shorter the poem, the less grandiose you are in abstraction and the more impeccable your point comes across, the better.

THis might sound dumb, but hell..

What about long poems?, not just 2-3 " stanzas...
isn't sometimes telling a story of emotion, not so metaphorically "short" but detailed with many different "clues" of feelings and emotions, description rolled out in descriptive detail, painting the picture for the audience?

Just a thought..

[L Oquence]

I feel like hidden in these supposedly simple words is lots of ideas. Ideas looking to be eloquently released. I recommend you work on developing a single emotion, or idea, as opposed to the kind of general whim this feels like it was written on. I'm a fellow novice so I can relate to where you're coming from. The rhyme scheme is a little bit too singy songy for me personally but it is a personal preference. Good start.

[WordJunky]

Thanks LoQuence, I very much appreciate your feedback and i think your correct in the sense of directing my emotion towards a more signified "emotion". Thanks again and I look forward to your posts in the future!
P.s. I liked the way you referred to the "latter" conversation, it shows that your response is thorough.

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you so much for your reply Chris. That is very Valuable and "direct" advice. Exactly what i need to hear! Thanks a lot, I am trying to use yours an Rowens advice to develop something more "definable".

---

As a Novice in poetry i would like to propose a question in statement, that of my own perspective and thoughts of "expression" and writing poems
I understand the "direct in description" stand point, basically the shorter the poem, the less grandiose you are in abstraction and the more impeccable your point comes across, the better.

THis might sound dumb, but hell..

What about long poems?, not just 2-3 " stanzas...
isn't sometimes telling a story of emotion, not so metaphorically "short" but detailed with many different "clues" of feelings and emotions, description rolled out in descriptive detail, painting the picture for the audience?

Just a thought..

Certainly, longer poems are fine. I have read the Odyssey and Divine Comedy years ago. I was referring to this one. However, looking forward to your epic as well.

[incognito]

Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help. Thanks.


Hearts of the unbroken

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression,
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,

We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding.
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies

I would echo earlier sentiments about some of the lines feeling a bit forced. Below is one of my favorite parts of your poem:

"Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together'"

IMO it flowed incredibly well with no lost meaning. There was no worry about exact rhyme or syllables if you know what I mean. This compared to the very beginning of the poem that has a completely different feel. It's clear you have a nice message to convey through these written words.

[Erthona]

"Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help"

Try writing something besides love poetry. It is probably the most difficult poetry to write well, as it is so easy to fall into cliches, trite phrases. It's obvious you are reaching to find descriptions, and unfortunately failing. These two lines are several lines apart,

Fathoms measured by oceans,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

but in the first you say "Fathoms measured by oceans" then in the second you simply reverse the syntax "oceans measured by fathoms".

A fathom is a measure of water depth, it cannot be measured by oceans as it already is a measure. It's like saying cups measured by flour.

You do this throughout most of the poem, most of the lines when parsed out are senseless.

"It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,"

When you say "our" then "we've shared" becomes redundant. If something is ours then of course we have shared it.

It's our car that we've shared. Duh, really?

To the rest of the line. Take out the extraneous and you have:

our love holds meaningful devotion.

our house holds furniture!

---------------------------------------------
Really, stay away from love poetry. Find something you can say something meaningful about without doubling back over yourself, giving obvious definition, or completely misusing a word.

I'm not saying this to be mean. No one does love poetry well when they first start writing poetry. Also, try writing your sentences out in a single line to see if they make sense. Also make sure they are sentences. According to your punctuation this is one sentence.

"Held with the knowing that what we see as showing together life shares as one, although parted, left unfolding, the weight on guilt, shamefully with holding, despite feeling like tons it’s less than others of loathing reflections of our past, over takes me, the glad, the sad, and even the angry, memories we both have had."

Your poem isn't any worse than most of the first tries people put u[ here, especially if it is love poetry. Maybe try reading William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience", and copying those forms. Here's a link Songs

[Mopkins]

Heart of the unbroken

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared two 'that's? After a line with a that? too many that's
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression, this doesn't make sense - maybe 'timidly hiding beyond expression'
The feelings I have for her, you've gone from speaking to her to speaking about her in this line - changed tenses.
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion, makes no sense - maybe 'love swamped emotion'
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans, as pointed out by other posters, this makes no sense
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion, you don't need 'In' here

We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us, doesn't make sense
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding. doesn't make sense
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing I don't understand what you're trying to say in this verse

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee this use of archaic language jars with the rest of the poem
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing too means also - you mean 'to'

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive, strive? do you mean strife? or do you mean certainty will keep us striving?
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”, makes no sense
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies



For me the biggest problem with this poem is it's uneven rhyming. You need to stick to a pattern, abab or aabb or whatever - mixing and matching just doesn't work.
Another thing is it's unclear meaning - many of the lines just don't make sense, and seem to have been put there solely for the rhyming end. Also, the poem doesn't really have a point to make, it's all just romantic waffle.
Still, as far as romantic waffle goes, it has potential and with some editing could make a good poem. Keep at it!

[denniswilson]

This is a great line. Be careful with the pattern of your rhyming

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,

[Cherrie666pie]

Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help. Thanks.


Hearts of the unbroken

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression,
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

(This last line could use some work
"That's made me the sadder" kind of sounds out of place)

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But (I would take out the but i think it would flow a little better)
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,

We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding.
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing

(I think you should use the rhyming a little less here.
It sounds forced.)

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies

I really like this poem but it does need some work. Some of it felt kind of forced, but other than that I really liked it. Keep up the good work!(:

[QDeathstar]

Poetry is very new to me, any advice would help. Thanks.


Hearts of the unbroken

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.


the latter? What is the former? That you care??? I feel cliche sickness

Timid hides behind expression, timidness? I think this line is an oxymoron
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared, in this poem, love is just a word
In which holds meaningful devotion, this isn't a sentence

We stayed true to fates giving, what are fates giving?
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding. fates can't be molded, they are what they are
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing ?????

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathingothers full of loathing?

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,you contradict yourself, for a poem about love and reflection, telling lies doesn't serve the poems purpose well
Not just for thy but also for thee thy and thee are ridiculous.
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies

The poem starts off apologetic, then tells the reader to get over hims/herself.


It's condescending. And rambling.

[KROD]

[

Just know that I care,
That’s all that should matter,
It’s that love that we’ve shared,
So let us reflect on the latter.

Timid hides behind expression,
The feelings I have for her,
It’s having been without you,
That’s made me the sadder,

Breaches in trust,
Love sunk emotion,
For ours was no lust,
But
Fathoms measured by oceans,
It’s our love that we’ve shared,
In which holds meaningful devotion,

We stayed true to fates giving,
Now left alone, set apart,
No choice but to keep living,
For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
Futures beholding,
Moving forward,
Hopes holding,

So in walking trust
We so stage for fates molding.
Held with the knowing
That what we see as showing

Together Life shares as one,
Although parted, left unfolding,
The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
Despite feeling like tons
It’s less than others of loathing

Reflections of our past, over takes me,
The glad,
The sad,
And even the Angry,
Memories we both have had.
It’s the truth of life and what it has sold me,
It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
Not just for thy but also for thee
Never lonely, when together, you see?
Too me it is an obvious thing

Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
Feelings light as a feather,
It’s how we insist this,
For there is not another,
Not one,
Nor the other,
That can break our loves tether
In life,
Still one together,

So, let us look at perceptions,
Self introspective sight,
Both of us alike,
What’s keeping the pain?
Remember the strife?

Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
Let’s work on “us”,
Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
Giving us “life”
One less of “demise”,
With joyful tears and welling eyes,
Life’s offerings of rendition,
Love songs to the skies[/font]
[/quote]

I like what you're trying to say but perhaps it could've been said in a shorter poem. Also, I'm a little confused because in your 1st stanza you seem to be talking directly to the woman "It’s that love that we’ve shared, So let us reflect on the latter. and then in the very next one it seems you are talking to a different audience "The feelings I have for her, then in the next line you change it again "Its having been without you" My favorite line is "Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive.

[KatBrown]

First, let me say that there are parts of this poem where I really feel the sentiment you are expressing. My favorite being the passage which says,

Breaches in trust
Love sunk emotions
For ours was no lust
But fathoms measured by oceans

And then the section on (reflections of our past)...to me these are the heart of this poem and the rest just seems like more. Maybe you could focus on the ideas expressed in these passages and develop them and remember that sometimes less is more. The rest, for me, just muddies the concept.

I know it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there so good on you and keep going!

[Brian]

My 1st critique, so bear with me please.

I can feel the emotion which has driven you to write these feelings and thoughts, Sometimes it takes a lot of words to fully express oneself. Not wanting to sound like the others, but i had problems with the fathom/ocean reversal and the thy/thee structure also.

Whatever you do, dont stop writing.

[poetryattempted]

I'm not sure I understand why Angry is capitalized. Above it glad and sad are not. Perhaps this designed to place focus on this word, however, the rest of the poem doesn't seem to encourage that same focus to me.

[alatos]

I think you could work on, as others have said, the rhythm. I'm no expert, but it's important in poetry that there is some sort of logical rhythm to provide structure in your poem. I mean that's not always the case, like in blank verse (Walt Whitman, for example)... but for this sort of poem I think it would work well. It's hard to get perfect, and I suck at it pretty badly. But there's lots of info online about different ways to use rhythm. I did notice someone said you shouldn't write love poetry... I'd have to disagree. There should be nothing off-limits. If you care about it, write about it! It may be the hardest kind of poetry to write some opinions, but don't let that inhibit you, just let it inform you.