Come Leaves Burst v3

[jeremyyoung]

Cowt Leaves
dreak sun breke shap
yon dale frost
yolk hird whit wurn

plunt t'gin map
blit spar cowt
t'out fire

heft sky barwake
an' sigh
drip t'aft nowt on

snow ript hird
blue nikt
yon Queen bayns

all winter rain
'tin t'air
hooked eyen shut

dreak frock
bayn virgin hills
nost an' nost an' rast

t'river

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Come Leaves, Burst Winter's Grip
traitor sun breaks sharp the dale frost
house glows cream egg yolk polished tooth

candle mass among bared tree smog
daisy stamen windows reflects

sprays heavy lidded sky barwaken
dripping crust watercolour streak

melting snow rapt cold blue enwrapped
old cold night pulls the river Queen

heaves all winter's rain into air
hooked eyed crochet quavered

coated frock vain virgin veiled hills
rolling rolling retreating up and

aft to the river


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Come Leaves Burst
Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

[ChristopherSea]

Come Leaves Burst
Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

jeremy, I think you are posting all of the polished gems from your book. Occasionally dialect throws me, but the atmosphere of this poem is gorgeous. I especially like 'Frost's cream egg.' A watercolour indeed, with no critique really necessary, thank you for sharing this poetry.

[jeremyyoung]

I wrote it yesterday.

I had rather hoped you would notice my magpie thievery of your advice on watercolours to 71degrees, with regard to melting snow. It was most useful for describing a single streak of dirty grey/blue slicing through the morning fog.

Thank you for your kind words.

[ChristopherSea]

I wrote it yesterday.

I had rather hoped you would notice my magpie thievery of your advice on watercolours to 71degrees, with regard to melting snow. It was most useful for describing a single streak of dirty grey/blue slicing through the morning fog.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, I did and I enjoyed how you connected the two stanzas with that brushstroke. BTW, no offense meant by the book comment!

[jeremyyoung]

None taken.

I didn't pick up on it, only because the whole book thing is rather burdensome...

[John Galt]

[b]Come Leaves Burst

Jeremy my first thought was, do "leaves burst"? buds do, I am still
trying to find a definitive answer.

Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

I am having trouble seeing what "stamen daisy windows" are, and how they can stripe the sky. What is a barwaken sky?.

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

The pulling of the queen by old night, is leaving me mystified as to its meaning, I am obviously missing something, is it the virgin queen?
as you use "virgin" in the next verse, is the "old night actually a "knight", even so I still cannot connect the dots.

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

This part is the meat for me, "all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered"
I would keep that part in mind for insertion elsewhere.

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

A lot of this poem was lost to abstraction for me, this could be through my lack of knowledge so please bear with me. I am still trying to gain better skills at deciphering a poets thoughts.

Thank you. JG

[jeremyyoung]

Thank you John

The title is an instruction to spring to start, I suppose I could have added 'forth' or 'out of your buds' but went for the Hymns Ancient and Modern approach.

Frost's house is white, and on that morning, it was very foggy, the sun shone through a slash in the fog, illuminating the windows brilliant yellow - thus it looked like a daisy - and the yellowness of the suns rays connected back the to crack in the fog - not unlike the light in an old cinema. Barwaken is a word I made up, bar - without, and waken - to awaken - put then together, unawakened sky.

The Queen, refers to the Celtic river goddess for who the valley is named - depending on which source you believe. And no the night is the night, and being in a valley, when the sun heats the rain sodden hills the fog rises to fill the bowl.

I am not sure where else I could put it - clean answers only.

Thanks for the feedback.

[ChristopherSea]

Jeremy, since John Galt mentioned your title, I have to confess that I mistook ‘come leaves burst' as autumn at first. Possibly because the sudden stop of chlorophyll production and the fiery bleed through of carotenes before leaf scission is like a slow motion torch job to me. However, the snow and the foreshadowing of spring flowers made late winter/early spring evident. I like the action in the title. You capture bud rupture and leaf unfurling in the phrase. We watch the buds swell, but never quite catch the leaves testing the air with their tongues. It is as if they burst forth like fireworks in a moment, when we are not looking.

[John Galt]

Jeremy, thank you for taking the time to reply, and for your patience..JG

[jeremyyoung]

The thanks is mine.

I take on board the abstraction point, it isn't something I had considered. I was more focusing on the sound and the articulation of the language rather than the literal sense. Perhaps my brush strokes were too broad.

[ChristopherSea]

Jeremy, since John Galt mentioned your title, I have to confess that I mistook ‘come leaves burst' as autumn at first. Possibly because the sudden stop of chlorophyll production and the fiery bleed through of carotenes before leaf scission is like a slow motion torch job to me. However, the snow and the foreshadowing of spring flowers made late winter/early spring evident. I like the action in the title. You capture bud rupture and leaf unfurling in the phrase. We watch the buds swell, but never quite catch the leaves testing the air with their tongues. It is as if they burst forth like fireworks in a moment, when we are not looking.

Jeremy, what do you think of an Autumn connotation for ‘When Leaves Burst’? I do think it works much better for Spring.

[jeremyyoung]

Except they haven't burst. Hence my exhortation to the river goddess to take the winter's rain back to the river, clear the fog, and let the sun shine.

I'll think about it.

[milo]

Except they haven't burst. Hence my exhortation to the river goddess to take the winter's rain back to the river, clear the fog, and let the sun shine.

I'll think about it.

The title made me wonder what a "come leaf" is.

As tom would say - punctuate to clarity.

[71degrees]

Come Leaves Burst
Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

Is the "Frost's" a nod to Robert Frost? Just curious….

Almost psalm like in its litany to nature: (e.g candle mass, colors akin to stained glass, frock). It's soothing but not preachy in all it subtleness. I am not familiar enough w/your stuff, but I think I would like to "hear" much of it, rather than read it. And I mean this in a nice way b/c we are here to read. I feel like you are leading me on a trip, ending with a new (virgin) destination I've never been and I don't mind going.

Words that bother me a bit but only b/c they seem out of place for their position in the poem: the double use of "cold" - vain (context here…just seems like an odd word - barwaken (only b/c you have it in an adjective position w/sky…and "dripping" to boot - retreating (only b/c of it use with river and to me one would never get there if one were retreating. These are just observations.

I felt calm after reading this. A good feeling.

[jeremyyoung]

71 degrees
The Frost's house is partly a pun because the house which inspired the poem was used in the TV series A Touch of Frost, it was appropriate because the fog was freezing. A handy to add to the magical feeling I was after.

As for the reading, it's a shame Richard Burton is dead, as he would have been ideal for the guttural 'rolling rolling', but you are probably right about the words you highlight, as I tend to speak the poem as I write it and thus the process becomes as much about the sound as the literal sense.

I am wondering if 'Frosts house' is too misleading, when the poem is about fog?

Thanks for the feedback.

[71degrees]

71 degrees
The Frost's house is partly a pun because the house which inspired the poem was used in the TV series A Touch of Frost, it was appropriate because the fog was freezing. A handy to add to the magical feeling I was after.

As for the reading, it's a shame Richard Burton is dead, as he would have been ideal for the guttural 'rolling rolling', but you are probably right about the words you highlight, as I tend to speak the poem as I write it and thus the process becomes as much about the sound as the literal sense.

I am wondering if 'Frosts house' is too misleading, when the poem is about fog?

Thanks for the feedback.

I've never seen "A Touch of Frost"…had to google it, but I don't think it's a problem here. I only think of Frost b/c he's my hero. As for Richard Burton, I still listen to "Under Milkwood" occasionally. Never tire of it. His voice was Midas, personified. No equal.

[tectak]

Come Leaves Burst
Trait o'er sun breaks the dale.
Frost's house glows, cream egg
polished tooth, candle mass, whey

over trees. The stamen daisy
windows direct, connect, stripe
the barwaken sky dripping

rainbow strait watercolour
melting snow blue. Cold, rapt,
enwrapped cold, old night pulls

the Queen, who names the vale,
to heave all winter's rain,
hooked, eyed, crochet quavered

gown; frock coated vain veil
virgin rolling, rolling, retreating
up and aft, to the river.

Hello Jeremy,
This worries me a deal. That much is certain e're the critics breach the stones...heads up to pike the old, old greys and risk the swish of loaded trebuchet....if you see what I mean. You don't? Well, now you know how I feel.
Thing is, imagery is NOT all there is. Words are wonderful ingredients but quantity, order of use and methodology all matter if you want to make a cake.
I am liking this because I think I would be vilified if I said it was anything less than competent...oh the hell with it. It needs less obscurity and more meaningful expressiveness.You are thinking poetically...that's fine...but you really must write precisely. The line breaks and enjambments are pseudo-poetic and are frankly distractingly rebellious. Why do it? Can you do it right? This is Mild Crit...wisely posted...but you could workshop this in to a great piece. Are you up for it?
Say the word and I will transport you.
Best,
tectak

[jeremyyoung]

I'm guessing you are suggesting I'm behind castle walls.

Far from it. I am thinking about what is being said.

[tectak]

I'm guessing you are suggesting I'm behind castle walls.

Far from it. I am thinking about what is being said.

Hi jeremy,
I have no idea what I am suggesting...that was my point
Best,
tectak

[jeremyyoung]

Then let me consider your blind stag, and get back to you.