First Remembrances - First Edit

[beaufort]

Remembrances

It happened this way once before -
they walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing.

Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs
across the door frame;
knowing then that love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known.

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth.

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes;
with tiny fingers I fed my plastic doll,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair.


-------------------------------------

I remember them then, though dimly.
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing.

Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known.

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth.

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes.
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair.

[makeshift]

I remember them then, though dimly.
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. Not sure how I feel about the bluntness of this last line, it would be nice if the first image was expanded to show they felt nothing. The silent plum eating almost gets there I think.

Some days she would strip Interesting enjambment
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame; This is my favorite image in the poem, really nice
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known.

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat, This line was evocative, I could feel the heat of the coffee
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth. This stanza's ending is stronger then the first two stanza's endings imo; the story telling, or thematic information feels embedded within the imagery.

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes. I like how this calls back to the coffee
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers, There is a bit of ambiguity here, not sure if its intentional. Who's fingers are tiny yours or the dolls? Both ways would make sense which makes me think maybe its intentional IDK it works I think
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair.

My impression here is that the narrator is thinking back to their childhood, and that the "them" that she remembers are possibly her parents.
It may be worth considering getting rid of the first line, and having the whole poem in present tense, as if the memory is unfolding right there. The poem would still be evident as a memory given the title. IDk

Thnx for sharing

[jeremyyoung]

What an extraordinary poem - or perhaps an example of my favourite phrase of late, 'the important ordinary'.

The only change that I would make is....
'Some days she would strip off her stockings,
hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;'
I understand the reasons for, and the effect of the enjambment, however for me it makes the stanza visually clumsy. And you could get almost the same effect with a colon after 'strip'

The opening stanza is very good indeed. When I read it the first time I feared the minor opening was leading toward poetic indulgence, but the eating of the plums as a metaphor for the relationship is both intriguing, and oddly apt.

"both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known."
The double meaning of these lines is perfect - having already set up the disfuntion of the relationship - contrasting and building upon it with the intrusive stockings really works.

And it wont surprise you, that I really like the last two stanza's, particularly 'steaming eyes' referencing 'cleansing her throat with heat', and the introduction of the narrator, who demonstrates through child's play the affection that is missing elsewhere.

[geoff]

hello beaufort

here are my initial thoughts

I remember them then, though dimly. ...not a fan of this line because it does not really add much to the introduction or really have much agency for the speaker; really, the stanza flows fine without it. It also adds in a present tense that may not be needed. the return to the first person in the close may justify it being here though
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. ....mixed feelings about this line. it is flat; there is nothing to grab on or really connect to because the idea is vague. that being said, the line reiterates the feeling of the characters...



Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known....giving this stanza the eye test, it feels a bit off balance because of the extended second line. the image is interesting; I think a metaphor would make it tighter than a simile and would try dropping the "like" somehow

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth.

...interesting focus on only a single character here

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes.
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair....the shift from two characters without affection to the speaker and the doll is nice. The "untidy hair" adds in a twist

the first couple of stanzas had some vague ideas. Thought the poem got tighter as it advanced.

Thanks for the read

-geoff

[ChristopherSea]

I remember them then, though dimly.
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing.

Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known.

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth.

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes.
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair.

Hi beaufort,

Beautifully sad and a reality for many. It is usually a marriage of convenience for the sake of children that exist this way.

Although I like the opening stanza at lot, especially the way you set us up with the final line, I am not certain why you recall them dimly. I should think it would be the antithesis, vividly perhaps, as you seem to go on and demonstrate.

In the second stanza, I like that break after 'strip', but I might consider doing it again after 'legs' and 'love'. In the third, a break after 'cup' would leave the last couplet with a glaring 'empty/truth'. You don't have to confine yourself to that four line stanza count. On the other hand, I may just be an overly eager line dicer!

I assume that the narrator has the 'tiny fingers' and the 'doll'. She is recalling her parent's marriage dissolving or its thin existence. I am not certain why the doll is characterized as being 'plastic'. Yes, we all know that this is true, but little girls consider their dolls real. Here, it could be even more so, as a pretend companion or baby may provide escape and a sense of love that is absent. I am probably missing something.

Perhaps something is here to help with your next edit, should you decide to do so. Regardless of my comments, I thought this poem was remarkable. Thanks for sharing it./Chris

[heslopian]

I remember them then, though dimly.
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. A really strong first verse, creating a crisp and solid image, and a profoundly devastating ennui in its last line.

Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame; Though some might complain that it's too long, this is a really good line. The "severed legs" simile perfectly mixes domesticity and horror.
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word, Both of the stockings? "He" hasn't been introduced in this verse, so this line's a little confused.
but wanting to be known.

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth. A tad forced in its reaching for profundity, but sharply written as a verse.

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes.
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair. Perfect last verse. You were wise to save the narrator's identity until the end. It's all the more poignant for that.

I really enjoyed this poem. It feels like a gentle confessional piece, sad and painful, but not angry or cruel. The appropriate word, I think, is melancholic. It's a lovely piece, with nice soft lines, strong images and realistic characters. Thank you for the read

[beaufort]

Thanks to makeshift, jeremyyoung, geoff, christophersea, heslopian for your kind comments and suggestions.

Makeshift, I wanted the bluntness of the last line of the first stanza to illustrate the stark emptiness of the relationship, might not have gotten it right. The "little fingers" are meant to belong to the narrator and not the doll, agree it isn't clear. Thanks.

Jeremyyoung, it is a long line, I may try to break it down. Thanks for your reading and comments.

Geoff, I agree the first line is weak, I was set on four line stanzas which is crazy, but what can I say. I wanted to introduce the narrator early, but this may not be necessary. I'll think about the metaphor vs. simile suggestion. Many thanks.

ChristopherSea, thanks for your comments. I tend to have "issues" with line breaks, and will look at them carefully. On one level I wanted the little girl (narrator) to reflect in her "plastic" doll the fact that her parents may have viewed her as less than valued, but might have missed transmitting that. Appreciate your comments. Best.

Heslopian, you're right that the stockings were (inadvertently) personified. Scary that stockings would know about love. I was going for sadly melancholic but not angry or histrionic, so glad it came across in that manner. I appreciate your comments.


I will post an edit in the next few days - hope you all can stick around and give it a read. Many thanks.

[MadisonDiem]

[quote='beaufort' pid='157203' dateline='1394477876']
I remember them then, though dimly. (I agree about taking this line out)
They walked in silence eating plums
not because they were in love,
but because they felt nothing. (I'm confused as to if the 'because' is responding to the silent walking or the plum eating.. either way, this could be stronger, more evocative if that's how you're choosing to begin the poem)

Some days she would strip
off her stockings, hanging them like severed legs across the door frame;
both of them knowing love was a dishonest word,
but wanting to be known. (the difference in form in this stanza doesn't seem intentional. I'm sure if you rework it, you can find the right way to say all this)

In the mornings she drank coffee like water,
cleansing her throat with heat,
vainly seeking in the empty cup
some small sip of truth. (I like this whole stanza; the image is very clear. Alliteration in the last line is nice, too.)

Shuffling back and forth across the threshold
I watched, transfixed by her steaming eyes. (could connect 'steaming' eyes back to the coffee?)
I fed my plastic doll with tiny fingers,
tenderly stroking her black, untidy hair. (I like this stanza also, it's well done and finishes things off nicely.)

[TamyPocer777]

Good play on words at the end and i liked the twist.

[beaufort]

Thanks to all of you who read and commented on this. I have posted a first edit. Best.