What Of

[fresample]

On this rock hard earth in the hell of winter
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard
In this light
In her sight

What of love when it harbors mistakes
What of this feeling when it defines ones fate
I know of love as I know of my past
I know that with each moment another has passed
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted

What of love when life is short
What of a home if one locks the door
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse
Perhaps this is why I find myself locked out

The way she loves actually fixes people
With the way she loves one has no urge to speak of evil,
no patience to hear of evil,
no focus to see of evil

The way I love actually frees people
With the way I love one has no regrets to plead before death
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain
I give a standing ovation each time as my love fades behind enemy lines

With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy

On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
In this biracial season where browns form greens
In this night
At her site
I revel in our love.

[geoff]

Hello fresample,

Here are some thoughts to consider:

On this rock hard earth in the hell of winter ..."rock hard earth" felt a bit redundant
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard ...why "with" a blizzard?
In this light
In her sight

...the stanza feels a bit forced. The imagery feels as though it is trying to be a bit too dramatic (e.g., the "rock hard earth" of the first line/ "hell of winter"). At the same time, while some images are given some fresh life (rice white), others ("hell of winter") don't really bring new ideas or ways of seeing things to the table

What of love when it harbors mistakes
What of this feeling when it defines ones fate
I know of love as I know of my past
I know that with each moment another has passed
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted...punctuation could be your friend unless you have a reason for avoiding it. Some of these conclusions (with each...passed) lack novelty. The questions/ refrain ("What of love" ~ "what is love") feels reminiscent of a pop song; not saying this is an issue per se, but it is an association I couldn't help but note. However, what is holding back the stanza most for me is the abstractions; there is little to draw the reader into the speaker's experience. Phrases like "this feeling", which are not explicit, are going to keep a distance between the speaker and reader. I have no knowledge of the mistakes. The stanza ends without a conclusion; the "perhaps" may help define the mental state of the speaker, but also, again, keeps the poem away from concrete aspects and trapped in uncertainty

What of love when life is short
What of a home if one locks the door
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse
Perhaps this is why I find myself locked out
...this is the stanza where the rhymes felt most forced to me. The cause for me is the irregular rhythm and length between lines one and two. The complexity of the relationships becomes more apparent here. The "locked out" and the having better knowledge of the corridors than the spouse suggest infidelity or distance

The way she loves actually fixes people ....though explained a bit in line 2, I think the phrase "fixes people" is a little broad
With the way she loves one has no urge to speak of evil,
no patience to hear of evil,
no focus to see of evil ...this is the first stanza with punctuation and some more could even be used (if commas are here, why not elsewhere?) Another comma should go after "loves" in line two. The "of" in this line didn't quite fit for me; the "speak" and "hear" worked fine

The way I love actually frees people
With the way I love one has no regrets to plead before death...comma after "love". The conclusion reached in line 2 (and continued through line 4) is rather preachy with little demonstrations and a focus on hammering an idea onto the reader rather than letting conclusions be drawn and inferred
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain ..."slowly but surely" is a bit overused as a phrase; it does not contribute as much to the piece
I give a standing ovation each time as my love fades behind enemy lines ...I'm enjoying the contrast between the speaker and the lover.

With applause still high I now wonder, ...I didn't understand "applause still high"
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility ...couldn't her love fix people earlier? where is the fragility? yes, this is a poem about a struggle in a relationship, but I'm not seeing fragility, personally. If the speaker can get to know a house better than a person, I imagine this takes time..
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy ...again, the "beautiful tragedy" is cryptic enough to keep the distance between reader and speaker

On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
In this biracial season where browns form greens
In this night
At her site
I revel in our love.

I'm not entirely sure of the scene. At times, I was envisioning visiting a grave, though the present tense in stanza 4 doesn't quite mesh. Other times, it felt more like a case of infidelity and an estranged couple.

I hope some of these thoughts may help you. Thanks for the read,

-geoff

[fresample]

I'm not entirely sure of the scene. At times, I was envisioning visiting a grave, though the present tense in stanza 4 doesn't quite mesh. Other times, it felt more like a case of infidelity and an estranged couple.

I hope some of these thoughts may help you. Thanks for the read,

-geoff

Your comments definitely help me see what is missing from the visual I'm trying to convey. I try to avoid being too cryptic but I'm starting to think it happens anyway because mentally I'm filling in the gaps I've yet to have written.

Thank you for your thoughts, geoff!

[jeremyyoung]

So many questions.... and the title being a question, of sorts, doesn't offer the key.

suggestion....
On this rock
hard earth of winter hell

In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard 'rice white' excellent, 'flourishing blizzard' not so.

Neat....
In this light
In her sight

What of love when it harbors mistakes 'harbour' picks up nicely on light.... 'What of' questions, too naval gazing?

suggestion....
What of feeling that defines ones fate

suggestion....
I know, love as I know my past
I know, with each moment another passed

Good use of autumn... would suggest fruits/leaves instead of 'moments'... and maybe chop the line for visual effect.
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted


suggestion.....
What of love, life is short
What of a home with locked door

Nice... repetition
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse

suggestion....
Perhaps this is why I am locked out


suggestion....
The way she loves fixes people
the way she loves speaks no evil,
nor patience to hear of any ill,
nor evil focused in her eye

Something like that....

suggestion
I love people to set them free
the way I love makes no regrets
or offers up a plea to death

Like this bit...
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain

Nice use of rhyme, and meter.... though could do with pruning
With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy


Suggest you repeat 'rice white'... and shorten to 'in the birth of spring'
On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring

Not sure biracial is the right term,
In this biracial season where browns form greens


There are some good images and ideas in the poem. And, a few contradictions, that could do with being ironed out, mainly to do with why you are locked out, and the nature of the love being shared. I'm suspecting a menage a trois of sorts - due to there being a lover and spouse.

[tectak]

On this rock hard earth in the hell of winter
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard
In this light
In her sightYou take a huge risk with an opener that goes nowhere, particularly if the information is directional. I now want to know WHERE, but I have a feeling I am not going to find out. You just glanced off a cliche with the opportunistic, if not serendipitous, use of "rice" instead of "ice"...but I am not fooled. You compound the struggle for wordiness with the "flourishing" blizzard. It is not good in that it takes away from the intent. The last two lines are hanging.

What of love when it harbors mistakes
What of this feeling when it defines ones fateOne's fate...basic errors should be corrected BEFORE posting. Forum rules.For a while there I thought that punctuation might help.Why no question marks? Then I read what you had written, a useful device, and realised that punctuation would make little difference. Cessation of the capitalisation of each line might though. It is very retro and only adds to the possibilty that you may be a pretender to the poetic throne...it just does not make poets poetic.
I know of love as I know of my past
I know that with each moment another has passedThis wins first prize in the "stating the bleedin' obvious" competition but the next line is close run thing. Did you really say if it had been longer it would have lasted longer? No to this ridiculous observation. It needs a clarity check. As this is "Serious Workshopping" I must assume that you will be up for it. I cannot help as I have no idea what point you are making.
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted

What of love when life is short
What of a home if one locks the door
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouseBoy, that WILL make her happy!
Perhaps this is why I find myself locked outThat is why....Yep, but with your in-depth knowledge of the place you'll find a way back in.

The way she loves actually fixes peopleActually...it doesn't. Whatever "actually" means...and don't say "Love...actually" or I will squeem and squeem and squeem.
With the way she loves one has no urge to speak of evil, One doesn't, doesn't one?
no patience to hear of evil,
no focus to see of evilDescent in to gobbledygook. See OF evil?????

The way I love actually frees peopleActually...oh, forget it. It does or it doesn't. Actually is a non-word used exclusively by non-thinkers.
With the way I love one has no regrets to plead before death
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtaincliche on cliche
I give a standing ovation each time as my love fades behind enemy linesAgain, there is no expertise in this collection of words, no sense of sure-footedness; metaphorical leaps from drawn curtains to enemy lines is only ever so tenuously connected to the theatre of war that I doubt even you saw the connection. Drop this stanza.Oh, and I have changed my mind. PUNCTUATE to clarity

With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy

On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
In this biracial season where browns form greens
In this night
At her site
I revel in our love.No. Really, no. This poem ended several lines ago. It is cruelly drawn out until its tendons snap and its very skeleton undergoes multiple dislocations. Overall, the language smacks of post adolescent angst and for that you could be lauded....but I do not think that there is enough good english usage to lift it above itself. A rewrite would help but not until after you have simply read the thing out loud...you may be writing for you but I am reading for me...and I can get nothing from it except a tatty mesh of near and full on cliches which just burble through your thinking. You may feel that this is harsh but the forum you post in requires certain attentions to detail. The concept is lost in a havering blether of disconnected gestalts without cause or conclusion. Too many questions and too few answers.
Best,
tectak

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[quote='fresample' pid='156849' dateline='1394061496']

[MadisonDiem]

On this rock hard earth in the hell of winter (cliche x2)
In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard (rice white seems a bit obvious or boring.. 'flourishing' doesn't evoke the right tone, to me, for a winter scene)
In this light
In her sight (I like the repetition of these last three lines)

What of love when it harbors mistakes (Question marks might make this stronger)
What of this feeling when it defines ones fate (harbors mistakes, and defines ones fate are abstract, I don't know what you're talking about. be concrete.)
I know of love as I know of my past (same as above)
I know that with each moment another has passed (I like the obviousness here, it seems intentional and reads as an admission of ignorance. Maybe focus on that idea for this stanza?)
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted (hmm. what are you saying? the season of dying leaves was the one that promoted love? unclear.)

What of love when life is short (this doesn't seem to relate to next lines)
What of a home if one locks the door (I like this image a lot! Gives me something to think about!)
I know of love just as I know of this house (again, this metaphor is neat)
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse (however, this line and the last contradict on another)
Perhaps this is why I find myself locked out (I like the last two lines better than "I know of love")

The way she loves actually fixes people (The word actually shows me that you're reaching as to how to describe whatever it is you're going for.. again, try clearer, stronger images)
With the way she loves one has no urge to speak of evil,
no patience to hear of evil,
no focus to see of evil (I almost like this concept.. except for the point of view. Bring it back to 'I' and it will be stronger)

The way I love actually frees people (eh. same as above with 'actually')
With the way I love one has no regrets to plead before death (Again, 'I' might help this.. try to reword for strength)
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain (This image interest me! Expand on it, maybe!
I give a standing ovation each time as my love fades behind enemy lines (#confused)

With applause still high I now wonder, (this clearly relates to the last line, but I'm still confused)
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility (try 'my fragility', perhaps? Again, question marks are soooo needed)
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy (I was waiting for the parallel of 'Why couldn't my love fix her love ___)

On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring (cliche)
In this biracial season where browns form greens (this is interesting, but I'm not sure it does the job)
In this night
At her site (You broke the repetition.. I'm conflicted. I think I like it.)
I revel in our love. (this is a weak ending... I wish I was clearer on what's going on here so I could understand why it's so important that you revel in the love)

You have a bit of a confusing storyline going on, especially with so many parallel descriptions and declarations going on here. Try to make your points more concrete. I really think using question marks and sticking with first person will help this significantly. I can't wait to see the next draft!

[L Oquence]

On this rock hard earth in the hell of winter - Rock hard earth here feels a bit TOO descriptive, too powerful, i'd alter it.

In this rice white scenery with a flourishing blizzard - this is better. i'd drop "rice" however, doesn't add anything much for me.
In this light
In her sight - these feel disconnected to the last two lines

What of love when it harbors mistakes
What of this feeling when it defines ones fate
I know of love as I know of my past
I know that with each moment another has passed
Perhaps if autumn had been longer these moments could have lasted
the last lines syllable count feels excessively wordy compared to the rest and abruptly stops the flow of the poem here., there isn't really anything that tells me what you're talking about. it feels vague. like any old relationship

What of love when life is short
What of a home if one locks the door
I know of love just as I know of this house
I know each corridor better than I know my spouse
Perhaps this is why I find myself locked out

this paints a better picture and each word is less vague, however the first line isn't needed in this stanza.

The way she loves actually fixes people
With the way she loves one has no urge to speak of evil,
no patience to hear of evil,
no focus to see of evil
this does what I want from you. describes. I can imagine how this person would love.
The way I love actually frees people
With the way I love one has no regrets to plead before death
No needs, no wants
Satisfied, satiated, and certain
My love slowly but surely draws the curtain
I give a standing ovation each time as my love fades behind enemy lines

this gives the poem an almost sexual feel.. however the curtain call lines being interpreted as orgasm are a bit generic.

With applause still high I now wonder,
If I loved her and she loved me,
Why couldn't her love fix my love's fragility
What of love if it couldn't spare her from a beautiful tragedy

These lines feel a bit off. I can't really describe it but something about them feels "meh" just a bit too whiny I guess.

On this ice soaked pavement during the birth of spring
In this biracial season where browns form greens
In this night
At her site
I revel in our love.
I like these lines, they serve a purpose and end the poem stronger than it started

overall, this is a decent first draft, and it could be edited into something superb