VERSION 1
The freedom of the mind escapes me.
Imprisoned by the shackles of all that is real.
The world evaporates.
Heat turns to cold, sound to silence.
Light becomes dark, becomes nothing.
All that I am and all that I could be,
Fading in a moment.
The touch of life is the touch of death.
The sands of time cascade into eternity.
__________________________________________
VERSION 2
The freedom of the mind escapes me
Bound by the realism on which I rely
The paintbrush finds its way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, becomes nothing
My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind. Forever.
________________________________________
VERSION 3
The paintbrush finds its way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind.
______________________________________
VERSION 4
The paintbrush finds its way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become a blur
Light becomes dark, My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece,
Condemned to my mind.
Imprisoned by the shackles of all that is real.
That's the kind of line you see in many first poems.
All the one line sentences could be effective when saying things so blunt and bleak, but lots of other times they wouldn't be, and every line looks like something I've seen over and over before. That goes for your first line too, but that line's a bit better.
Thank you for reading it  I'll try to improve it. Just to be clear... the first line is ok(ish), and the rest is really cliche? I'll try and do it in a more original way
The freedom of the mind escapes me
Bound by the realism on which I rely
The paintbrush finds it's way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, becomes nothing
My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind. Forever
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm, better or worse? I tried to get some kind of metaphor going. You know at this stage i am not looking to make a masterpiece just get pointed in the right direction. Its not really something i know a lot about so just tell me exactly how it is (:
Freedom of the mind escapes me or some variation of that idea might work.
on which I rely is overdoing it in the second line.
In the third line, it's stands for it is and that's not what you want.
The rest of it, you could try out different things. Right now, I just think it's better than it was, but could be much better.
Posts: 37
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2014
(02-27-2014, 05:22 AM)Bahdriel Wrote: The freedom of the mind escapes me
Bound by the realism on which I rely
The paintbrush finds it's way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, becomes nothing
My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind. Forever
Hello Bahdriel,
I'm taking it that this is the version I should be looking at? It may help to add this to the first post through an edit. It's nice to see how a poem progresses, so adding this version above or below the original with a version number or date could be useful for learning or understanding where changes get made.
Do you need the first two lines? I think having a focus (painting) would give you a bit of direction on where to take the piece. It would also emphasize the contrasts you're bringing up (blue vs. yellow, crisp vs. blurred). The first two lines, from my point of view, don't really contribute to the rest of the poem.
I would also consider removing the "becomes nothing". What you would get is something like this:
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, my chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
Even the "my chance" could be removed if desired to keep the focus on the "painting"/canvas.
I also don't think the "forever" is needed; the "condemned" feels like punishment enough from my end.
To summarize: I think this poem needs some pruning to realize what its focus really is. Could lead to something interesting; I wouldn't have guessed it was a "first shot" because it has a good base lurking in there.
Hope that helps,
-geoff
Hi geoff, thank you for your time that was very constructive. Do you see this as an improvement?
The paintbrush finds it's way to my hands
I turn yellows to blue, crisp lines become blurs
Light becomes dark, My chance, fading
The canvas stays blank
A masterpiece, condemned to exist
In my mind.
I quite like it. Although it seems quite short, maybe it could become one stanza of a larger whole?
Posts: 71
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
You don't need the "V2" and "V3" in there.
"sands of time" is far to cliché IMO.
Need a period at the end of stanza 2.
V2 line 3; V3 line 1: "its"
I liked the last two lines quite a bit.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Thank's for your input (:
crisp lines become a blur
A masterpiece condemned to my mind.
Those are my suggestions for examples of how to smooth things out.
Thanks for your help it's become a completely different poem but with the intended message
You could think about the first line and the third line a little more.
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