Your With God my Dear

[Therrin]

Hello once again... this one I am about to share is a song created by my buddy... We have a band with 3 other people. He gave me the lyrics and i was like well there is a lot of cliche. I think i should let the experts view this one haha... and yes he's a beginner too..
could lyrics for a song be critiqued like a poem? I think it can?


Verse # 1
You blew me away when you smiled
just wish you stayed another while.
There was a traffic jam in my head
thinking of the words
I should have said.
But it matters no more,
cause your already gone.

Verse #2
I remember those special moments,
the ones we could never forget about.
I kept them so close to my heart,
that I cried, and cried, and cried.
'Till I could no more,
when i heard the news.

verse 1 and two repeats then the chorus comes along lol...

Chorus
You passed away,
your with God my dear,
I will never forget you.
You'll be in my heart,
always in my mind,
I will always and forever love you
I'll forever love you...

[billy]

i think it depends on the lyrics.
remember in most instances
its the music that give lyrics the beat (flow)
you also get a lot more leeway as afr as cliche goes with song lyrics
very few aren't cliche lol, so on that basis it's hard to fault a lyric for being cliche.

about, 2nd line verse 2 isn't needed
till i could no more
sounds really shit in a poem lmao
but in a lyric it can be okay.

in the real world the phrase would be written as
till i couldn't.
i think like poets have artistic license to a point
so songwriters have a let's fuck up the language license

dear in the 2nd line of the chorus sounds really cheesy
unless it's an old person singing the song.

same with the title.

as for flow, like i say, with music it can depend on many things as to how it occurs so it can't be commented on.

all JMO. as far as lyrics go i'd say it's not too bad.

[Therrin]

lmfao this made me crack my as* off man no lie hahahahahahaha
nice man maybe ur intentions weren't to make me laugh but I did lol
and yeah songwriters do think that way unconsciously lol or maybe consciously. idk lol

[addy]

I didn't mind the "dear" part so much haha, for me cheesy is okay since it is a love song

Yeah quite a bit of this is cliche but in a song, the strength of the melody can make it work. On the other hand, it's better to have both a strong melody and strong lyrics

I'm wondering if this is a personal story, or did he just make up this story for the song (there really is no dead sweetheart)? Either way, it would be nice to put in a few personal details and personal touches into the lyric. A couple of images here and there, tangential coded details, maybe a hint about the girl and what she was like, or a bit more about how it was when they were together. That way it would be a little less generic. The beauty of a piece of lyric (or poetry) is that you could be very detailed yet still portray something universal