Spinning Tires (edit #2)

[ellajam]

Edit #2 (milo, Chris, hippy)

The snow is rising inch by inch,
it's sure to catch me in a clinch --
accumulating high and fast,
sent courtesy of Arctic blast.

Anticipating winter's pinch
my bumper wears a well-worn winch;
recalling chills of blizzards past,
the snow is rising.

Although at dawn it was a cinch
to get to work, I'd like to lynch
my boss whose gall is unsurpassed,
who has us stuck in drifts amassed
above our knees, yet he won't flinch.
The snow is rising.


Edit #1 (milo, jc, Chris, true, billy)


The snow is rising inch by inch,
by five I'll face a frozen clinch:
accumulating high and fast,
white walls the gift of Arctic blast.

Anticipating winter's pinch
my car's trunk holds an ancient winch,
it brings back chills of blizzards past,
the snow is rising.

Although at dawn it was a cinch
to get to work, I'd like to lynch
my boss whose gall is unsurpassed,
who has us stuck in drifts amassed,
the only one who doesn't flinch.
The snow is rising.



Original

As snow is falling inch by inch,
the birds have flown: no wren, no finch.
Accumulating tall and fast,
white walls the gift of arctic blast.

Anticipating winter's pinch
my car's trunk holds an ancient winch,
it brings back chills of blizzards past
as snow is falling.

Although at dawn it was a cinch
to get to work, I'd like to lynch
my boss whose gall is unsurpassed,
who has us stuck in drifts amassed,
the only one who doesn't flinch
as snow is falling.


(I'm working on this from the rondeau practice thread. I don't know if it stands as anything other than practice, all suggestions welcomed.)

[milo]

I like saying "snow is falling inch by inch" but it doesn't really /fall/ in inches as much as it accumulates in inches. This probably won't bother anyone else. Also, have the birds really flown /as/ the snow is falling?

Also, what kind of magical winch is this that brings back chills of past winters?

[justcloudy]

This one was fun to read. =] Maybe this is part of the form, but I keep wanting to read "as THE snow is falling."

I'm not sure S1 L3-4 deserve a full stop at the end, not exactly a sentence.

The birds seem to be mentioned solely for the sake of "finch", and personally I think birds are overmentioned in the poetry around here anyway...

In S3 I understand that your boss has buried you and coworkers in work, and is happy you can't leave. Is that right? It could be phrased a bit clearer I think.

Just thoughts. =]

-justcloudy

[ellajam]

I like saying "snow is falling inch by inch" but it doesn't really /fall/ in inches as much as it accumulates in inches. This probably won't bother anyone else. Also, have the birds really flown /as/ the snow is falling?

Thanks for reading, milo. This winter some of the snows have been so thick the inches formed right before my eyes. With the birds I was alluding to the silence the snowfall brings, someone actually asked me where the birds went during the storm.

But my explanations are no help if it sounds wrong in the poem. I'll see if I can clarify.

Thanks for bringing out those points.

---

This one was fun to read. =] Maybe this is part of the form, but I keep wanting to read "as THE snow is falling."

I'm not sure S1 L3-4 deserve a full stop at the end, not exactly a sentence.

The birds seem to be mentioned solely for the sake of "finch", and personally I think birds are overmentioned in the poetry around here anyway...

In S3 I understand that your boss has buried you and coworkers in work, and is happy you can't leave. Is that right? It could be phrased a bit clearer I think.

Just thoughts. =]

-justcloudy

ha, that's two thumbs down on the birds. Thanks for commenting on finch, I'll try to eliminate the rhymes that sound the most forced.

Using "the" would not mess with the form although it may mess with the meter, but I'll certainly give it a try, and look at the full stops.

I thought I was being pretty blunt in S3 but I'll see if I can clarify there.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad it was fun and I really appreciate your thoughtful comments.

Gathering ammo for next edit.

[ChristopherSea]

It's an amusing poem and your chosen poetry form accommodates the light and humorous subject. I was wondering what that winch was doing in your trunk other than carrying the rhyme scheme. Maybe they should be standard options for us folk in New England!

[ellajam]

It's an amusing poem and your chosen poetry form accommodates the light and humorous subject. I was wondering what that winch was doing in your trunk other than carrying the rhyme scheme. Maybe they should be standard options for us folk in New England!

Well, I tried to anchor the winch with its use in the past, but I may not have gotten away with it. I have wished I had a winch in my trunk and a sturdy tree nearby.

These were fun rhymes to play with, I'll reconsider my choices.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[ChristopherSea]

It's an amusing poem and your chosen poetry form accommodates the light and humorous subject. I was wondering what that winch was doing in your trunk other than carrying the rhyme scheme. Maybe they should be standard options for us folk in New England!

Well, I tried to anchor the winch with its use in the past, but I may not have gotten away with it. I have wished I had a winch in my trunk and a sturdy tree nearby.

These were fun rhymes to play with, I'll reconsider my choices.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Me too! However, I do have an AAA card in my wallet.

[Truerenigma]

I'm pretty familiar with objects bringing back memories.

I have a winch on the front bumper. Never seen one in the trunk.

The ynch/inch sound as a rhyme just sounds silly to me for some reason.

[ellajam]

I'm pretty familiar with objects bringing back memories.

I have a winch on the front bumper. Never seen one in the trunk.

The ynch/inch sound as a rhyme just sounds silly to me for some reason.

Hi, true, I've edited a bit since you helped me in the practice thread. I have a small winch in the basement somewhere, used it for straightening out an ice-pulled dock, I guess that's the simplest form of it. Do you think having it in the trunk is unbelievable?

The inch sound, it is a silly poem, do you think the sound hurts the poem?

[ChristopherSea]

Ella, many trucks and SUVs have winches on their rear bumber to launch and retrieve boats. Why not try something like:

'My car’s bumper holds an antique winch.'

I don't see a problem with a 'winch' rhyme in a funny poem. However, I don't see a problem with a 'wench' in my trunk or some junk in your trunk!

[Truerenigma]

I'm pretty familiar with objects bringing back memories.

I have a winch on the front bumper. Never seen one in the trunk.

The ynch/inch sound as a rhyme just sounds silly to me for some reason.

Hi, true, I've edited a bit since you helped me in the practice thread. I have a small winch in the basement somewhere, used it for straightening out an ice-pulled dock, I guess that's the simplest form of it. Do you think having in the trunk is unbelievable?

The inch sound, it is a silly poem, do you think the sound hurts the poem?

nah, limericks may be better though.

Having winch in the trunk during the snow season is prudent. Not that it's unbelievable. It's just that around here most people aren't so prepared. A snow storm is an apocalyptic event.

[billy]

i have never had a wrench in my trunks but lets not make this about me,
i don't know the form apart from reading what it is. it stands as a good poem. without checking up (does the refrain start at the 1st or 2nd stanza? i like the inch pinch cinch thing that's going on. i have read the other feedback and can see why some of what was said was said, that said, i don't think i'd change a thing unless it's to fit the form (which i'm not sure of) do have a suggestion of swapping line one with line two in the 1st but that's all it is, a suggestion.
it's one of those poems most of us can relate to, a twattish boss when we're in an impossible situation.

wish i could have been more help.

As snow is falling inch by inch,
the birds have flown: no wren, no finch.
Accumulating tall and fast,
white walls the gift of arctic blast. Arctic

Anticipating winter's pinch
my car's trunk holds an ancient winch,
it brings back chills of blizzards past
as snow is falling.

Although at dawn it was a cinch
to get to work, I'd like to lynch
my boss whose gall is unsurpassed,
who has us stuck in drifts amassed,
the only one who doesn't flinch
as snow is falling.


(I'm working on this from the rondeau practice thread. I don't know if it stands as anything other than practice, all suggestions welcomed.)

[ellajam]

i have never had a wrench in my trunks but lets not make this about me,

Thanks for that, and for reading, billy. The switch of lines 1 & 2 would be lovely, but the form uses the first few words of L1 as the refrain. I don't think emphasizing the birds even more would go over big.

Thanks for the Arctic, I'll look into it.

[ellajam]

Well, I've got an edit up for S1 and the refrain, but as usual I not sure if I've killed the poor thing.

So far I'm dry on a rhyme to replace winch, all I can think of is grinch, maybe I'll pull out the Dr. Seuss and see what else he's got.

Thanks again for all the help, all comments welcome.

[milo]

Drfifts amassed isn't working. Why not enjam on amassed?

[ellajam]

Drfifts amassed isn't working. Why not enjam on amassed?

Good idea, I'll give it a go. Thanks

[kindofahippy]

It is a very well written poem, I see no mistakes with it. The only item that might be changed is in S1, L3. A period here instead of a comma, and make L4 a new line. This would add emphasis to the chill of winter.

Overall, an amusing poem in a rondeau form I didn't expect, I'm used to the limerick being used for the purpose. Thanks for the read!

[milo]

Drfifts amassed isn't working. Why not enjam on amassed?

Good idea, I'll give it a go. Thanks

Well, while you are at it, "white walls the gift of arctic blast" is awkward. I have some suggestions, but id rather read what you do with it.

(I think the inch rhymes are fine, btw)

[ellajam]

It is a very well written poem, I see no mistakes with it. The only item that might be changed is in S1, L3. A period here instead of a comma, and make L4 a new line. This would add emphasis to the chill of winter.

Overall, an amusing poem in a rondeau form I didn't expect, I'm used to the limerick being used for the purpose. Thanks for the read!

Thank you for the punctuation help. It is appreciated, and in my case, usually sorely needed.

I am trying to learn the different forms and tend to use whatever happens to be on my mind to do it. This one has a lovely swing to it, the difficulty for me is to make the refrains work, if I do it here it is just barely.

Thanks so much for reading and for your suggestion.

---

Drfifts amassed isn't working. Why not enjam on amassed?

Good idea, I'll give it a go. Thanks

Well, while you are at it, "white walls the gift of arctic blast" is awkward. I have some suggestions, but id rather read what you do with it.

(I think the inch rhymes are fine, btw)

Thanks for the heads up, I'll work on it.

[ellajam]

Edit #2 is up, A LITtle too much ALLITeration in S2L2?