Posts: 60
Threads: 15
Joined: Feb 2014
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away.
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away.
You want that d in there?
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see
you see is sometimes a filler line. It's not for a rhyme, at least not directly. Unless maybe it is. But, anyway, it's not terrible being there like you have it, not terrible.
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline
The last two lines are interesting. On their own they're not much, and the poem as a whole isn't much. It presents good ideas for a poem, with little substance.
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Feb 2014
(02-20-2014, 02:41 AM)kindofahippy Wrote: It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. [period here and no where else. why?]
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood-- [dashes = mean?]
My pocket's starving too, you see
Until I learn a skilled trade [no punctuation here, typo?]
Exchanging blood for gasoline
The puctuation is interesting, I can't tell if it's intentially emphasizing parts, which affects how I read the poem. If it's consistent throughout then I could probably catch on and recognize a style, but if it's sporadic it may hinder my understanding of the poem (confuse me  ).
This poem seems like it's an excerpt in that there's more to it. The poem intensifies at each line, becoming more thought provoking and providing an image of a person. I think you could take this poem further. I like where it is and I'd like to see what more can come of it.
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
I'm torn between wanting this poem to be longer and go further into the story, and wanting it to be much, much shorter. Could even be an interesting haiku maybe. As it is, the idea is there, but the execution is not. The last two lines are the most interesting, and I don't think it's a coincidence that they're also the shortest.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
Posts: 16
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2014
(02-20-2014, 02:41 AM)kindofahippy Wrote: It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. undwinds -> unwinds
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see I like the idea you have here, I think this would be a good one to expand on. Especially the tension between hunger for food/hunger for money, or wanting to eat but also needing to save?
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline I'm also fond of these lines; the thought is interesting to consider, but it's rather open to interpretation...
There is inconsistency in your punctuation here. You started out by using some, then less, then none. The dashes in the second stanza don't give the reader a clear idea of what you mean. I would exchange it for a semicolon, or just leave it out.
You have a few interesting ideas/themes here that could be developed more, but they don't really seem to have a cohesive point running through the whole poem. While it all has to do with being at work, I don't really get left with an impression of what you're trying to say with the poem as a whole.
The final line is the most powerful language in the piece. I'm torn between thinking the line before needs to elevate to that power, and that the current line of truth juxtaposes the power and makes it so powerful.
Might be interesting to play with that second to last line.
I really like the first stanza of your poem, the idea of 20 minutes being torturous is powerful and relatable, definitely speaks to the reader.
As I go on, however, I become a little bit more confused. Maybe it's the rhyme in the first line of the second stanza, or maybe it's my curiosity as to the relationship between the hunger of your pockets and your stomach. What makes your pockets so hungry, what do they need?
Some very interesting themes here that I want to be expanded. Just food for thought
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2014
[quote='kindofahippy' pid='155623' dateline='1392831679']
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. Extra d in unwinds. Do you need to say 'mere' and 'slow and painful'?
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see I think this is fine
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline. A little stark. I was not prepared for this harsh reality.
Posts: 19
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2014
I like the idea the poem conveys. It speaks to the rat race everyone is living every day. Work to make money to buy a car to get to work so pay for the gasoline and so on.
Posts: 22
Threads: 8
Joined: Apr 2014
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. This starts to feel a bit long
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline
I will try to avoid saying what others have already written- You should cut the middle stanza out, it is empty and doesn't add anything to the poem. Also, the second line feels a bit long, maybe cut up the first two lines into four. The last two lines are interesting, I suggest you expand on those. You have a good idea, and now need to work on execution. Please expand this poem because I feel like it can be great.
Posts: 16
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2015
Apprentice chef? I like the second stanza, it seems to tell a story much more than the first. I think you could go a bit longer and tell more of the story. I also agree with some others about the first two lines, I think they could be condensed a little. I enjoyed this.
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2015
I like the raw ideas you have going on in this poem, though I think you need to flesh them out a bit to have a stronger piece of poetry. As other have said, the last stanza seems to be the strongest. I think the last stanza also showcases the general ideas you are trying to evoke much better than the first two stanzas do. I would lengthen the poem, overhaul the first two stanzas or get rid of them altogether.
Try to make the message your poem is trying to send the reader (me) stronger. Paint the picture in my head, because right now with the poem you gave me I have a few brushstrokes. Nice brushstrokes, but ultimately this piece feels unfinished, or rather it can be something much stronger.
|
