Please Critique

[Love]

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way

Love

Imaginary yet so real
Indescribable, but understandable.
Visible in pictures
although you can't point it out
you know it's there
love is powerful and dangerous
it can cause happiness
as well as pain

---

Ok just updated it

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
it causes My heart to race slightly
Consumed within your beauty
When I look into your eyes
all I can see is beauty
but within I feel much more
a force stronger than myself
It is what guides my life
and makes me who I am
It is something that everyone has

Love

---

Updated Again

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is the strongest feeling ever
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

---

Updated Again:

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

[billy]

try ti give the poem some depth. don't use phrases that have been used before, if you think you've heard something you'll not be the only one.

I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

really says very little and noting of worthy
how are you consumed?
what force?
show the reader these things if you can.

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way


Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life no need for [the] if use a : at the end of the line
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because no need for because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly this line would be good except heart races is cliche, try and stop it being cliche by turning it into a simile or metaphor [and my heart races slightly like mercury in a tube] is an example
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

[Erthona]

It's always a bit uncertain when you start by naming your poem a song title.

Always on My Mind

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way

Love

Imaginary yet so real
Indescribable, but understandable.
Visible in pictures
although you can't point it out
you know it's there
love is powerful and dangerous
it can cause happiness
as well as pain

---

Ok just updated it

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
it causes My heart to race slightly
Consumed within your beauty
When I look into your eyes
all I can see is beauty
but within I feel much more
a force stronger than myself
It is what guides my life
and makes me who I am
It is something that everyone has

Love

---

Updated Again

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is the strongest feeling ever
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

---

Updated Again:

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

Hi Love, Is the title supposed to be part of the first line? If not, then you begin with a fragment, which is rather weak. Punctuation would benefit both you and the reader. This is pretty much a beginner's generic love poem. You have emotion herein, but little else. No strong images, no similes or metaphor. These should be the skeleton to hang your emotion on. Say everything differently:

In a labyrinth of gray matter
hides my life’s inspiration;
it’s path revealed in your eyes.

Heart races is too common, heart races slightly makes no sense.

My heart is a locomotive or a gull in flight or anything else…

You get the drift. Show him the way you feel! Now go do something interesting with this. Good luck!/Chris

[Love]

Thank you so much for the GREAT feedback! This is exactly what I needed to advance my skills. I will modify the poem and post here again. Thank you for taking the time to help me

---

So I modified this line

Guiding my actions

To this Guiding my actions like an ocean's tide

You are very right! The simile makes a big difference.

Also What if I just removed this line? Here is updated poem, seems like it has alot to do with the ocean maybe it's because it was on my mind


Also I didn't really follow any poem guide lines I just had an idea where I would talk about love without saying the word and then at the end state it, is that a good idea?


Here is update:

Always on my mind



In a labyrinth of gray matter
hides my life's inspiration
it's path revealed in your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
wherever you go my heart will follow
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than the the ocean
Guiding my actions like the tide
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love