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Sometimes even though it is repressed
The inner Ninja ecapes
I try not to let it out
But it is a ninja who can stop it
Last time it came out was listening to hip hop
The lines about grabbing the Clack-Clack
Throwing up gang signs the inner ninja activates
But most the time no one notices that is what ninjas do
Sometimes he takes control completly
He uses me as his host feeding on anger
He waits till the blood is really boiling
And then he takes over and we have a ninja moment
I am a ninja I can't help it
My mom was a ninja and my dad was a ninja
When we ninjas are together you know we are ninjas
But I am not your average ninja I have mastered the art of disguise
critique away I need it
Posts: 32
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Joined: Jan 2014
hey thanks I am a horrible at grammer lol. I do see what your trying to say. This piece is a idea I have that I want to use for a segment of some spoken word. The ninja moment being comical is actually intentional. I am just trying out different things that work or don't for stanzas. The Ninja or word ninja in this poem is suppose to represent another "N word." I being black don't like the N word so I use the tearm Ninja like "what up ninja." knowing this what you think
Sometimes even though it is repressed
The inner Ninja escapes
I try not to let it out
But it is a ninja who can stop it
Last time it came out was listening to hip hop
The lines about grabbing the Clack-Clack
Throwing up gang signs the inner ninja activates
But most the time no one notices that is what ninjas do
The last lines of those first two parts, are you using ninja in a different way? "A ninja who can stop it", "no one notices that is what ninjas do", like saying you can still like the music and feel anger yet not go out and get violent? Calling yourself a ninja, but using the word in a positive way? Or are you meaning ninja differently in those two lines, like a literal ninja as opposed to a negative stereotype like the other word you're thinking of?
Sometimes he takes control completely
He uses me as his host feeding on anger
He waits till the blood is really boiling
And then he takes over and we have a ninja moment
I am a ninja I can't help it
My mom was a ninja and my dad was a ninja
When we ninjas are together you know we are ninjas
But I am not your average ninja I have mastered the art of disguise
The rest of the poem is clear, knowing what ninja means. Other than the ninja metaphor, there isn't much else here when it comes to poetry. I think you could add something to take it further.
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once again i am late on the old critique and good points already made. i will reiterate that it is unclear your position whether positive or negative with regards to your ninja. some of the lines were simply confusing. and to be quite honest, i didn't really get a lot of it.
having said that, i kind of like what it could be. i am not sure if it is supposed to be comical (again, there seemed to be no clarity of intention) but i assumed it was meant to be funny. the word ninja is just a funny word and just funny, i dont know why. (the mighty boosh episode whereby the cool one has a magazine so cool that it is delivered every month by ninjas
); i cannot really give much advice here, because on the one hand it is like one of those really bad horror films which is so bad it is actually good, and thus i would say just leave it as it is (but maybe polish up the spelling and some other little things); on the other hand, it IS pretty bad and unless you are confident that you have the self-awareness to go off-road like this, maybe you should take note of the other comments above and revise it quite severely.
Posts: 32
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2014
Hey thanks for coming through Rowens. I actually was using it in the same way, and was attempting to make it seem like I was using "ninja" literally but was using it symbolically to represent the other n word. I said not one notices I am controlled by the Ninja because in my opinion me being black they expect me to act like a Ninja and when it comes to Ninjas they are hard to notice since they lurk in the shadows. Thank you for your insight.
Shemthepenman I appreciate your comments as well I am not sure how I want feel about it either I guess since I just live with it I am indeffernt to it so it is not really positive or negative. I was actually trying for some comic relief. Where some people that get it get it and those that don't when they finally do get it they are in on it like an inside joke
