The Void-First revision

[ralex003]

First revision: This time, it's untitled because the way I rewrote the poem doesn't reflect a void.

Untitled
The virgin frontier perpetually expanding,
creating stars to guide explorers through treacherous territory.
Dreams about the possibilities of life
bounce off the walls of spacecrafts, planets, satellites, stars and moons.

Constellations come to life and celebrate
This wondrous yet dangerous realm.
The Pleiades dance in a circle, forever running from Orion.
Sirens sing upon asteroids, tempting astronauts from their course
to meet an untimely fate upon the ice shards of Saturn’s rings.

Pisces splashes after Aries, and Aquarius dumps water
on Virgo’s head, her dress soaked and clinging to her body.

Green-skinned aliens stalk intergalactic seas
For ships to raid or people to meet.
Eyeball monsters drag dripping tendrils
collecting debris and organisms to feast on.

A black hole swallows everything,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension and remade.


I'm a beginner poet, and I really want criticism on my writing. I'm a journalist, so I'm used to getting criticized. Don't be afraid to tell me exactly what to fix. Thank you. Here it goes.

Behold the universe!
Inky black void, glowing white balls of gas dotting
The virgin frontier slowly expanding outward.
Will it collapse inward?

Stars guide explorers to unexplored areas
Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons.

Perhaps a black hole will come along
And swallow all in its path,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood.
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension where
We are reborn.

Have we come so far to let that happen?
Can we prevent it if we wanted to?
Why can’t we just lie down
And close our eyes and cover our ears
With snug headsets blocking out
The roaring of the world collapsing?

[Pleasure's all mine]

I found the second half much more engaging than the first- there's a stronger direction. perhaps try some other other adjectives for the inky void? Also the whole bit about explorers to unexplored areas- it's a little obvious, they wouldn't be explorers otherwise, but sure you could think of some beautiful little metaphor like sirens singing- tempting the explorers forwards, something about the yearning and aching we all feel for something that's just out of reach.

[ralex003]

I found the second half much more engaging than the first- there's a stronger direction. perhaps try some other other adjectives for the inky void? Also the whole bit about explorers to unexplored areas- it's a little obvious, they wouldn't be explorers otherwise, but sure you could think of some beautiful little metaphor like sirens singing- tempting the explorers forwards, something about the yearning and aching we all feel for something that's just out of reach.

Thank you for the helpful feedback. This is exactly the kind of direction I need with this.

[shemthepenman]

Ok, first line by line in god knows how long. But you have touched on something interesting, so... And just a note, I am not going to highlight any punctuation or spelling errors. I am not your english teacher. And most spelling and punctuation mistakes are so obviously typos or oversights or deliberate I don't know why people mention them in critiques (unless deliberate and the question could be raised 'why?'). In which case, my advice on that score is look closely.

I'm a beginner poet, and I really want criticism on my writing. I'm a journalist, so I'm used to getting criticized. Don't be afraid to tell me exactly what to fix. Thank you. Here it goes. And just a note, I am not going to highlight any punctuation of spelling errors. I am not your english teacher. And most spelling and punctuation mistakes are typos or oversights or deliberate. In which case, my advice on that score is look closely)

Behold the universe! — logically doesn't make much sense, but ok, I'll stick with it.
Inky black void, glowing white balls of gas dotting — again, I think you are talking about space and not the universe (and even then a very specific part of space visible from earth). Doesn't 'inky black void' sound a bit weak? A lot weak? And I must say that trying to, in diagrammatic terms, explode a naturally poetic word such as 'stars' into some kind of prosaic description 'glowing white balls of gas' is a peculiarity of new poets, and a habit that one should get out of right away.
The virgin frontier slowly expanding outward. — I like this, the virgin frontier. Like the universe is a rapist and perpetually fucking a virgin.
Will it collapse inward? — I don't think this line is necessary, at least potentially it could add a very interesting idea to the 'virgin' thing before, but it sounds a bit pretentious.

Stars guide explorers to unexplored areas — the word choice 'areas' horrible. Even 'places' would be better, not much, but better.
Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings. — oh dear, I will try to keep this as brief as possible (it's a struggle) this sounds like a line written by a child who has just heard the word 'existential'. It really has no place here. No actually, this is possibly the worst two lines of poetry I have ever read, I actually feel stupider after reading it.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons. — ok, this is a good idea, in fact a beautiful idea. And I like that you have used a list that breaks the rule of 3. I love it when that happens. But, 'dreams bouncing off' sounds a bit flat, and you went to all the trouble of avoiding the word star unnecessarily, and then use the word 'dream' when you could have done with some creative explosion

Perhaps a black hole will come along
And swallow all in its path, — 'everything in its path' sounds less crap.
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood. — again, love the broken rule of 3. And in my opinion the longer the list the better. I would love to read a poem that is just a list of words.
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension where
We are reborn. — I would have left out 'into nothing', it seems superfluous. 'Flung' great word choice.

Have we come so far to let that happen? — I don't get this line.
Can we prevent it if we wanted to? — these two lines should be thrown out, they add nothing, and sound silly.
Why can’t we just lie down
And close our eyes and cover our ears
With snug headsets blocking out
The roaring of the world collapsing? — the finale isn't great. The question doesn't really add anything. Maybe a complete re-write of the conclusion. Yes, definitely. Although, I do like 'the roaring of the world collapsing', just like the idea of that, but in the context of the poem I am not sure what it means or why it is there.

[ralex003]

Ok, first line by line in god knows how long. But you have touched on something interesting, so... And just a note, I am not going to highlight any punctuation or spelling errors. I am not your english teacher. And most spelling and punctuation mistakes are so obviously typos or oversights or deliberate I don't know why people mention them in critiques (unless deliberate and the question could be raised 'why?'). In which case, my advice on that score is look closely.

I'm a beginner poet, and I really want criticism on my writing. I'm a journalist, so I'm used to getting criticized. Don't be afraid to tell me exactly what to fix. Thank you. Here it goes. And just a note, I am not going to highlight any punctuation of spelling errors. I am not your english teacher. And most spelling and punctuation mistakes are typos or oversights or deliberate. In which case, my advice on that score is look closely)

Behold the universe! — logically doesn't make much sense, but ok, I'll stick with it.
Inky black void, glowing white balls of gas dotting — again, I think you are talking about space and not the universe (and even then a very specific part of space visible from earth). Doesn't 'inky black void' sound a bit weak? A lot weak? And I must say that trying to, in diagrammatic terms, explode a naturally poetic word such as 'stars' into some kind of prosaic description 'glowing white balls of gas' is a peculiarity of new poets, and a habit that one should get out of right away.
The virgin frontier slowly expanding outward. — I like this, the virgin frontier. Like the universe is a rapist and perpetually fucking a virgin.
Will it collapse inward? — I don't think this line is necessary, at least potentially it could add a very interesting idea to the 'virgin' thing before, but it sounds a bit pretentious.

Stars guide explorers to unexplored areas — the word choice 'areas' horrible. Even 'places' would be better, not much, but better.
Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings. — oh dear, I will try to keep this as brief as possible (it's a struggle) this sounds like a line written by a child who has just heard the word 'existential'. It really has no place here. No actually, this is possibly the worst two lines of poetry I have ever read, I actually feel stupider after reading it.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons. — ok, this is a good idea, in fact a beautiful idea. And I like that you have used a list that breaks the rule of 3. I love it when that happens. But, 'dreams bouncing off' sounds a bit flat, and you went to all the trouble of avoiding the word star unnecessarily, and then use the word 'dream' when you could have done with some creative explosion

Perhaps a black hole will come along
And swallow all in its path, — 'everything in its path' sounds less crap.
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood. — again, love the broken rule of 3. And in my opinion the longer the list the better. I would love to read a poem that is just a list of words.
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension where
We are reborn. — I would have left out 'into nothing', it seems superfluous. 'Flung' great word choice.

Have we come so far to let that happen? — I don't get this line.
Can we prevent it if we wanted to? — these two lines should be thrown out, they add nothing, and sound silly.
Why can’t we just lie down
And close our eyes and cover our ears
With snug headsets blocking out
The roaring of the world collapsing? — the finale isn't great. The question doesn't really add anything. Maybe a complete re-write of the conclusion. Yes, definitely. Although, I do like 'the roaring of the world collapsing', just like the idea of that, but in the context of the poem I am not sure what it means or why it is there.

Thank you! I need these critiques. Poetry is the most difficult form of writing for me to get and always has been, but I want to get it right.

[billy]

don't forget to give feedback in the other forums we have. :J:

[ChristopherSea]

You have got a lot of good feedback on the body of your poem. The close is great, but the body could be more concise and focus better on a central theme. It seems to me that you are trying to be too all emcompassing. Additionally, you need a new title that draws us in. 'Void' is one of those words that is a cliche in itself! Everyone is either lost or trapped or F***ed in the void, etc. Try something like 'Spark in a Vacuum' , but better! Good luck with your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[ralex003]

You have got a lot of good feedback on the body of your poem. The close is great, but the body could be more concise and focus better on a central theme. It seems to me that you are trying to be too all emcompassing. Additionally, you need a new title that draws us in. 'Void' is one of those words that is a cliche in itself! Everyone is either lost or trapped or F***ed in the void, etc. Try something like 'Spark in a Vacuum' , but better! Good luck with your next edit. Cheers/Chris

Thank you. Just from reading all this feedback, I'm getting new ideas for how I want to focus the poem. I think when I started to write it, I just had a vague idea of the theme. I want it to be about outer space and all it's mysteries. I think I'm going to take a different approach to my next rewrite.

[ralex003]

Okay. Here's what I think I should do based on the feedback. I think I should keep the second half of the first stanza, keep the second and third stanzas and trash the ending because it doesn't seem to work after I've read it. I'm going to rework the parts I keep to focus on one central theme. I'll make those parts more concise and build from them to make better sense.

[Erthona]

There are too many points for me to give the reason why you should not do some of this stuff, you can accept that it's not a good idea, figure out why it's not a good idea, or ignore the comments. Up to you.
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I like the idea of you focusing more. Drop the science fiction and stay with the facts. This is just distracting:

"Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons. "
--------------------------------------------------------
Stay away from the conjecture, even if it is rhetorical

"Have we come so far to let that happen?
Can we prevent it if we wanted to? "

What is the point of asking those questions. You need to think about why you are writing what you're writing.
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Stay away from the hypothetical:

"Perhaps a black hole will come along "
or perhaps it won't.
----------------------
Stay away from making Carl Sagen statements:

"Behold the universe!"
----------------------
The following is just an example, not a suggestion, but it gives you something to compare to what you have, and a way to examine the differences.

Void

The universe,
a black void expanding outward.
Black holes crush and tear celestial bodies:
scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas,
flesh and blood?
Disintegrating everything.

We are reborn.
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Dale