Better Raw the Taste of Vision (a short poem)

[alatos]

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

[newsclippings]

I probably have a thing against rhymes, so I am biased. But here they seem a little forced. And it reads like Coolio in the 90s.

[visualcondyle]

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

It is better raw- the taste of vision.
Perception, that is unrefined
where we yield not to imprecision.

Do not let slip your mind;
make living your ambition—
leave all the rest behind.

-----------------------------
Hey there,

My immediate reaction is to lengthen the poem a little bit to forsake the rhyme scheme.
I realize that a rhyme scheme can be very minimalist and charming, but I would also consider:

“do not let it slip your mind,
make your life among the living;
a sharp point, can ambition make-
leave the rest behind.”

It will slightly alter the rhyme scheme, but don’t be afraid to step out of bounds
to let the poem really speak in another manner. The speaker declares a message short
and sweet, and emphasizes the positive effects of clarity/focus, determination,
and living life with full ambition. The subtext is very positive, and I wish you luck if
you decide to revamp your poem

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

[Blunt]

I do like this edit. The line where it says "yield to imprecision" felt like a contrast to what the rest of the poem was saying.

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

It is better raw- the taste of vision.
Perception, that is unrefined
where we yield not to imprecision.

Do not let slip your mind;
make living your ambition—
leave all the rest behind.

-----------------------------
Hey there,

My immediate reaction is to lengthen the poem a little bit to forsake the rhyme scheme.
I realize that a rhyme scheme can be very minimalist and charming, but I would also consider:

“do not let it slip your mind,
make your life among the living;
a sharp point, can ambition make-
leave the rest behind.”

It will slightly alter the rhyme scheme, but don’t be afraid to step out of bounds
to let the poem really speak in another manner. The speaker declares a message short
and sweet, and emphasizes the positive effects of clarity/focus, determination,
and living life with full ambition. The subtext is very positive, and I wish you luck if
you decide to revamp your poem

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

[Erthona]

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

You start with a four foot, followed by a three foot line of trochee, so it gives the reader the expectation that, that pattern will continue...it does not. This causes the reader to try and reconnect with that pattern. Doing so causes a shift from the content to the form, not something one generally wants to do.

unrefined-mind-behind

Were you being clever, or was it just happenstance that your rhyming words say the exact opposite of the poem?

As to the content, it is a bit preachy for my taste. I also think that maybe you don't know your subject so well. Most of the history of philosophy deals with man's perception or apprehension of the external world from Plato's idealized objects, John Locke's "Tabula rasa", Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason", and so on up to present day consciousness research. If there is a conclusion, it is the way we make the world intelligible is through distillation (to use your wording), which is to say by referencing past experiences. To understand, we must filter what we see through the baggage of our experience. So yes our view of things is prejudicial, but it is also the only way it is comprehensible. I suppose one could achieve what you suggest by being on a 24/7 acid trip, but I don't think the survival rate would be very good. Human's are incapable of viewing the world objectively because the mechanism that allows that has to have many built in assumptions to work, if not we would take forever to sit down in a chair, for we would not have the faith (from past experience) that it would support us.

Dale

[TheWall0912]

Better raw the taste of vision- I think it might read easier if a colon was used after raw
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision. Not a fan of this line
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

I feel as though some of this poem is forced in order to make the rhymes work. I really like where you're going with it, but I would definitely play around with some of the wording. I generally like poems that rhyme, so I appreciate the attempt, and this is a good start! But just try not to force it.

Looking forward to an edit

[alatos]

Many of you pointed to the fact that 'yield to imprecision' seems to be the antithesis of the rest of the poem. In my mind, it isn't. The message of this poem was to not get caught up in trying to make perfect sense of everything, but rather to live as fully as possible.
Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined. - life is best experienced 'firsthand' (not on the other side of a TV screen
Yield to imprecision. - don't worry about having everything weighed, measured, and counted out perfectly. It's OK. Allow for your own humanness.
Do not distill the mind. - don't try to force your mind to be some pure, absolute thing that it isn't. It is already a miracle.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind. - self explanatory

[just mercedes]

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

I have an aversion to poems that seek to preach at me. I like to know how others see the world, but I like to work it out for myself, from their writing. Give me implicit, rather than explicit.
If I can trust the writer, I will probably believe their words - here, I don't trust, maybe because of the unattractive synesthesia, maybe because I doubt that perception can ever be unrefined.

[kindofahippy]

I am very new to the game of professional poetry, so I can't read a whole lot into meter, but I feel that "Yields" instead of "Yield" would lend a better flow. Also, great poem, that added some sparkle to my day!