United Within

[Love]

First off, I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read and critique my poem. I VERY much appreciate it honestly. You have really great advice!

Another member on here kind of inspired me to write this poem.

United Within

Continents divided by limitless sea
Cultures isolated for hundreds of years
Thousands of unique languages
Millions of different lifestyles
Yet there is one thing that we all share
we are all together
venture to the edge of the world
a smile is always the same
there is only one kind of people
all of which should be treated equally
and one of them is you

[newsclippings]

Here's an example of an inspired poem that doesn't carry. It's like you're screaming pretension. I say keep the topic of social injustice, but write something more personal. Something striking to you. This poem is overgeneralized and comes off bleak.

Can't wait to see what you come up with,
Sandra

[Love]

Here's an example of an inspired poem that doesn't carry. It's like you're screaming pretension. I say keep the topic of social injustice, but write something more personal. Something striking to you. This poem is overgeneralized and comes off bleak.

Can't wait to see what you come up with,
Sandra

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

[ellajam]

Here's an example of an inspired poem that doesn't carry. It's like you're screaming pretension. I say keep the topic of social injustice, but write something more personal. Something striking to you. This poem is overgeneralized and comes off bleak.

Can't wait to see what you come up with,
Sandra

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

[ChristopherSea]

Love,

The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.

I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

[Love]

Here's an example of an inspired poem that doesn't carry. It's like you're screaming pretension. I say keep the topic of social injustice, but write something more personal. Something striking to you. This poem is overgeneralized and comes off bleak.

Can't wait to see what you come up with,
Sandra

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

Thank you for the great feedback, I will definitely start reading more poetry on here! "create a situation that expresses it without stating it" - that's a hard concept :p could you give an example

Thank you so much!

---

Love,

The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.

I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

Thank you for the great feedback, and I really like you explaining to me what to do. It helps a lot and I really appreciate it, honestly!

I followed your advice and came up with this, let me know what I should fix

A New Pangea

Millions of people all alike
seperated by fictious borders
controlled by government and politics
the poor and helpless put at the bottom
of a corrupt hierarchy of authority
dishonest leaders live luxurious lifestyles
funding their simpleminded death machine
while their people die of starvation
propoganda controlling their view of reality
it is a vicious cycle of power
put an end to the segregation
and allow this world to live as one

[ellajam]

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

Thank you for the great feedback, I will definitely start reading more poetry on here! "create a situation that expresses it without stating it" - that's a hard concept :p could you give an example

Thank you so much!

Here's an example of a slice of life saying so much more.

justcloudy's Ghandhi's Shadow

Also, here's the link for how to post an edit

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

Thank you for the great feedback, I will definitely start reading more poetry on here! "create a situation that expresses it without stating it" - that's a hard concept :p could you give an example

Thank you so much!

---

Love,

The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.

I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

Thank you for the great feedback, and I really like you explaining to me what to do. It helps a lot and I really appreciate it, honestly!

I followed your advice and came up with this, let me know what I should fix

A New Pangea

Millions of people all alike
seperated by fictious borders
controlled by government and politics
the poor and helpless put at the bottom
of a corrupt hierarchy of authority
dishonest leaders live luxurious lifestyles
funding their simpleminded death machine
while their people die of starvation
propoganda controlling their view of reality
it is a vicious cycle of power
put an end to the segregation
and allow this world to live as one

You now have something worth working with here. As Ella points out, you need to post this edit above the original. You also need to focus on a couple examples that you have sketched out and use some images or metaphor to illustrate them rather than just state them.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

unfortunately I only glanced at the other replies, so if i am repeating others ignore me
the poem is an idea, not such an original idea, true; but that doesn't matter too much. An unoriginal idea can be expressed originally. For example, take a love poem that says "to love someone is to love more than you love yourself" this is an idea of love, a popular idea of what it means to love. It is a bit flat though, isn't it? Doesn't really do what poetry can do with ideas, that is, turn them into a feeling, a sense, even a new idea. Consider "I gave her my last cigaret", just as done-to-death, granted, but even this cliche is better than "to love someone is to..."
So, in terms of your poem, or idea, try to plug it into the senses, or a situation, or a fact. What was the precise situation that lead to this idea? Did you meet someone who spoke a completely different language but were able to communicate? Did you look at a machine and realise the interconnectedness of everyone? It is these specifics that poetry is about (in this instance). Not, oh this particular thing made me have this idea, how can i schematize it? but rather, how can I show this general idea through the particular reality.

First off, I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read and critique my poem. I VERY much appreciate it honestly. You have really great advice!

Another member on here kind of inspired me to write this poem.

United Within

Continents divided by limitless sea
Cultures isolated for hundreds of years
Thousands of unique languages
Millions of different lifestyles
Yet there is one thing that we all share
we are all together
venture to the edge of the world
a smile is always the same
there is only one kind of people
all of which should be treated equally
and one of them is you

[milo]

Thank you for the feedback sorry this may sound like a dumb question, but how would I personalize it per say?

Hi, Love, welcome.

There are many ways you could approach this thought. One is to create a situation that expresses it without stating it, a picture that would bring us to your conclusion. Another is to come up with a metaphor that will do the same.

I suggest reading more poems, when you come across something that effects you in an Aha way, you'll get the idea. I find this site a good place to read because the critiques point out what works and why as well as what doesn't work and why not.

Again, welcome.

Thank you for the great feedback, I will definitely start reading more poetry on here! "create a situation that expresses it without stating it" - that's a hard concept :p could you give an example

Thank you so much!

---

Love,

The title does not entice a read, while the poem has little to say. Yes, a smile is universal, but seas are not limitless any more with internet, jets, you know... Nonetheless, no one could argue with the concept of a united world with freedom and justice for all. However, you need substance and image to bring life to this piece. Bring up vivid images of injustice like gang rape in South Africa and India or the abuse of children as pawns in Sudan's civil war or 3.5 million starved to death in North Korea while a dictator watches exhibition basketball. You don't have to directly mention any specific atrocity, but it would be good to point out inequality in your call for equality.

I would entitle this 'A New Pangea' in your plea for a world without borders. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

Thank you for the great feedback, and I really like you explaining to me what to do. It helps a lot and I really appreciate it, honestly!

I followed your advice and came up with this, let me know what I should fix

A New Pangea

Millions of people all alike
seperated by fictious borders
controlled by government and politics
the poor and helpless put at the bottom
of a corrupt hierarchy of authority
dishonest leaders live luxurious lifestyles
funding their simpleminded death machine
while their people die of starvation
propoganda controlling their view of reality
it is a vicious cycle of power
put an end to the segregation
and allow this world to live as one

The title on this one is better but it is still just a list of general statements and abstractions. Poetry is about specifics. None of your statements are profound or even original and no one knows you enough not to just dismiss these as one uninformed person's opinions.

also, you misspelled Pangaea and separate.