Missed call -- 4:13pm edit 1 (rewrite of Just for a night)

[justcloudy]

edit 1 Thanks AJ

Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,
surveying the field sprinkled with bales. By daddy
she stands small, hand secure in his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion moment. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashes gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:13 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with a checkered shirt, a worn down smile,
a heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

She shuts down slurred urges on the hour
to gape at the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original (kind of)

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

[cidermaid]

Hi JC,
I've not been around very much, I did have a look in at the other thread but i think I will just stick to reading this as it is without the history of the previous work. (i'm fresh eyes for you in otherwords)

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge I like the details of this line, but would want the edge to be more than the field mentioned.
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

so (and please forgive me messing like this is just easier than trying to write) - if edge had a comma and then the next lines were reconfigured l felt it might strengthen the double image of it being the smell of diesel and alfalfa that does this to her as well as a phisical representation.

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge,
surveying the field of scattered bales with daddy
she stands small, hand enveloped by his.


For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million Really like this dream like sequence
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large, So many M words in close proximity really aught to be overdoing the alliteration, but I think it is working, however I don't like the word minute in the mix. Slow motion makes the sounds work but then minute is a hard short sound...perhaps this was an intentional jar to strengthen the impact line, but taken on it's own did not work for me as a sound within the line. Sorry very verbose way to say I don't like a word
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay, Not sure i like appraising it feels like it is too soft for the rest of the line. Under our appraisal ? as a suggestion. Like the stark and abrupt statement of the crash after the longer dream lines sounds
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles Perhaps i am missing something that was explored in the other thread, or just being slow on the uptake, but i don't get why daddy is chuckling. I would imagine wry laughter if he had just finished working the field...but chuckling conveys a image genuine humour
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field. This was a good image and is working hard within the overall read of the poem; because of the word tidy it places a thought that this was not a real incident, but is now a metaphor for another event. (On my second read armed with the heart attack image i read this as the execution of the will to disperse the estate

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled I like the time detail taking centre stage here even though it does make the line read a bit clunky.
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked. Nice phrasing - I can well imagine that it is probably not origninal, but does not feel cliched to my read and is well placed here.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts Gramma is not a strong point for me...but does there need to be a hyphen in re-enact ? I could well be wrong!
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty. I love the emotion that is carried through this stanza and feels this is what is pulling the poem together; so although is low on pulling any power punches, I like the soft window on the process of grieving. It ties in well with the alternating views on the scene.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges Not a fan of once. I think it makes the subject sound overly emotional whereas for the rest of the poem she has been presented as still standing through the trial. I have been admiring her for her resolve now she comes accross as weak. I know this is a personal thing to each reader - just letting you know what this reader wants - If she is shutting down on the hour i can choose to read it as - on the hour of the accident. For others who would better identify with someone being more emotional, then they can take it as on the hour every hour if they like...the girl in my read has more backbone than that
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry. I like the ending, it is a classic and has been re-told thousands of times but it is always good when done well. The rest of your poem supports the ending.



(some edits made since posting)
original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

Thanks for the read JC - I really enjoyed this one. AJ.

[71degrees]

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



(some edits made since posting)
original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

I watch the evolution of your poems (through rewrites/edits) and observe you are a poet who makes the most out of critiques. I'm just in here to tell you this is hitting the "wow" stage. Keep it up. LOVE THE TITLE.

[justcloudy]

AJ thank you for a very thoughtful crit, you hit on some great points and I absolutely love what you did with the first stanza. That was the effect I was going for but was struggling with it, so thanks for the suggestion! Your "once" idea is gold also. Really appreciate it and everything else. Your comments will definitely influence my edit!

Since you and tectak both mentioned it (tec in the previous thread), I didn't presume to think that "heart still unattacked" was my own invention, but I'm glad you think it works here because I do too.

71 thanks for the encouragement! This one was kicking my ass before so I needed so slap it into shape a bit. ;p

-justcloudy

[justcloudy]

Unsatisfied but in a rut with this edit, I thought maybe posting it would elicit some helpful advice. =] Thanks in advance!!

-justcloudy

[Erthona]

This has a nice poignant quality to it, however this was more difficult to understand than it needs to be. I am still uncertain about the dream sequence and how it fits with the rest of the poem. Maybe I'm dense but it completely threw me off, and I had to read it three times before I got what was happening.

Why "Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"

instead of: "The smell of Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"

I'm all for brevity, but not at the sake of making something more difficult to read, and what is the benefit? I don't see one.

The use of enjambment in L 2-3 seems more about being clever than necessary, I think it is obvious that the bales were made by him.

I think stanzas 3 and 4 are in pretty good shape, if the rest were written this well, you would have a very solid poem.

Unfortunately the last stanza doesn't follow this example. I don't understand why it is necessary to play coy with the facts of the story, again how does that benefit the poem? A poem may at times appear obscure because the idea is profound, but the reverse does not apply. Obscuring something purposefully does not create profundity. I understand that certain modernist poets pursued such an approach, but to my mind that was a failed experiment, but then again, I am not much a fan of the modernists.

Regardless you have some good work here, I would just wish it were better.

Dale

[justcloudy]

Hmm that's disappointing. I wasn't trying to be obscure, nor did I think it was unclear. I guess that's why outside opinions are so important. Thanks Dale, I appreciate the point of view, and thanks for all the comments!

-justcloudy

[cidermaid]

Hi JC
This has been a period of intensive work on this one. Just passing on advise others have given to me, but perhaps this would be a good time to put this on a shelf and walk away for a period of time and allow yourself some distance....come back later with a sense of freshness.

I did read Dale's comments and in part agree, but obviously he can't have it all his own way ...I have a couple of different takes to offer.

edit 1 Thanks AJ

Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge, I disagree about needing to tell the reader it is a smell under discussion. It would be bordering on cliche for me. I think that the idea of a smell being evocotive and a prompt for a memory such a strong one it has passed into general knowledge...and i still like the double meaning on edge of the field / reason / Psychosis
surveying the field sprinkled with bales. By daddy But I do agree with Dale in part here. I don't think it is the line break rather than a punctuation problem. I would suggest taking these lines apart and reconstructing a sentence to say exactly what you wanted and then set it out from there. As it stands it is clunky but to my read the image is clear enough.
she stands small, hand secure in his.

If it helps i get the following loud and clear from this stanza: A girl on the edge replaying a memory tape- Associations of daddy with tractor diesel, cut alfalfa...being with daddy at the end of harvest. Daddy the farmer. Love / safety

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion moment. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashes gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field. No nits on this stanza. (still not 100% with the chuckles but it works fine within the context of dreaming - everything is twisted). I like the second look switch to grown up girl with daddy...the dream effect of confusing time lines.

4:13 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with a checkered shirt, a worn down smile,
a heart still unattacked. This is is beautifully done to give me an image of the enduring sadness of loss before each new day forces reality unpon the weary.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts Perhaps i might be wrong here but I 'm wanting a comma after mug. I read a pause there after I have been told of her focus
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

She shuts down slurred urges on the hour
to gape at the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry. Overall i like the ending but I am not a fan of gapes..I get a negative association of gormlessness.(glazed stare is the image I am looking for but this might be too cliche to work so perhaps something else)

Hope this is of some help
well done on all the work you have done on this already here and in the other thread. Nice workshopping AJ.

[justcloudy]

My thoughts exactly AJ, time to step away. Thanks for the comments and encouragement. And you're right in saying this poem has gone a long way! Improvement is my goal and I've done that so far at least. =]

[Truerenigma]

edit 1 Thanks AJ

Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge, I love the smells here
surveying the field sprinkled with bales. By daddy She stands would be a better line break, the inversion isn't helping you here.
she stands small, hand secure in his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet Every time I come back to check your revisions and progress I am really just stopping in to see if you got rid of this yet. The fedex bullet thing does nothing for me.
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion moment. You may want to cut the whole bit. It is too abstract and over modified to provide and image, and the phrasing and sounds just aren't interesting enough to justify its existence.

She stands large, Maybe cut large, and go for something like stands with daddy and appraises the wreckage.
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashes gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:13 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled wakes up at 4:13
with a checkered shirt, a worn down smile,
a heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts You need at least one comma in this wild inversion
his mornings.colon to set off the list. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

She shuts down slurred urges on the hour shuts down slurred urges is painful. Maybe cut the whole stanza.
to gape at the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original (kind of)

Tractor diesel and mowed alfalfa bring her to the edge
of the field sprinkled with fresh bales. She stands small,
surveying with daddy, hand enveloped by his.

For a month she's dreamed in circles: a FedEx bullet
freefalls through wispy noontime clouds at a million
miles per slow motion minute. She stands large,
appraising with daddy. The plane hits the hay,
soundlessly flashing gold and crimson. He chuckles
at the tidy carnage, gifts littering the field.

4:38 she wakes up most mornings, eyes still filled
with his checkered shirt, worn down smile,
and heart still unattacked.

To feel his tanned farmer’s hands wrapped
around his mug she reenacts
his mornings. Coffee, milk, let out the chickens,
then head off to daily duty.

Once an hour she shuts down slurred urges
to stare at her phone-- the call she didn’t pick up,
red polish not yet dry.



original poem/thread here: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13367

I like the poem, I really do. I think it would be a rather nice piece if you took a very objective approach to paring off the unneeded parts, and corrected the inversions. It's free verse so rhymes are fine, yes, but they don't have to be at the ends of the lines.

[Erthona]

"Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge, I disagree about needing to tell the reader it is a smell under discussion."

I would agree with cidermaid if "tractor' was dropped from the line.

"diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge",

diesel is diesel, it doesn't matter what one puts it in, adding tractor to the equation has nothing to do with smelling the diesel, thus I focused on this strange hybrid and what it's particular aspects were, and smell was way down the list. If you were to drop tractor from the line I would agree that one doesn't need to introduce the idea of smell as it would be inferred.
----------------------------------------

Best,

Dale

[Truerenigma]

The smell thing works as is, without beating the reader over the head with it. I wouldn't be able to smell it if i was being told that her, and not me, was smelling it.

The tractor image is lovely.

[justcloudy]

Sorry Dale, I'm with true on this one. But then again when I do come back to this to edit (dunno how soon that'll be but I'll certainly reference this discussion) who knows what'll change and what'll stay. Thanks again all.

-justcloudy