Look Within

[nhanna1223]

LOOK WITHIN

My image is a facade of life's dilemma's.
People see the outside without wondering
what's within.

Nobody sees the gaping wound in my chest,
split open as if one had opened a sealed box with a blade.

It still beats with the usual thump, thump, thump,
but bleeds so slowly as if it were a balloon losing air over time.

The patches have been placed with care but drips of rich
red blood drip, drip, drip as the bandages wear.

As time passes the wound becomes massive,
the red droplets start to flow as if it were a winding river.

Still, I stand my ground and wonder. Will you save me or wait until it's too late?

[Erthona]

Welcome, keep writing.

Dale

[just mercedes]

Some very strong imagery in your poem. I like the concrete images - abstract ideas like the facade of a dilemma don't work so well for me.

I like the slant rhymes within the poem. Not keen on the repetition of 'drips' and 'drip drip drip' within a line of each other.

Welcome to the site, keep writing!

[nhanna1223]

Thank you for the critique, Mercedes! I added the drips and thumps às a dramatic effect, was not sure how it would be received. Thank you for your honesty!!! : )

[Elezaron]

LOOK WITHIN

My image is a facade of life's dilemma's. Typo "dilemmas" (no apostrophe). also, I think when you say "facade" you mean something like "reflection" where, rather than being a fake "life's dilemma," you are showing "life's dilemma" in your "image."
People see the outside without wondering
what's within.

Nobody sees the gaping wound in my chest,
split open as if one had opened a sealed box with a blade. this simile is very case specific. maybe more graphic imagery would be more effective.

It still beats with the usual thump, thump, thump,
but bleeds so slowly as if it were a balloon losing air over time. this phrase is a little awkward. Imagery is good, but I feel that the odd grammar distracts from the purpose.

The patches have been placed with care but drips of rich
red blood drip, drip, drip as the bandages wear.

As time passes the wound becomes massive, good!
the red droplets start to flow as if it were a winding river.

Still, I stand my ground and wonder. Will you save me or wait until it's too late?

This is pretty good, but i think your imagery needs to be a bit more fleshed out.

[shemthepenman]

LOOK WITHIN

My image is a facade of life's dilemma's.
People see the outside without wondering
what's within.

Nobody sees the gaping wound in my chest,
split open as if one had opened a sealed box with a blade.

It still beats with the usual thump, thump, thump,
but bleeds so slowly as if it were a balloon losing air over time.

The patches have been placed with care but drips of rich
red blood drip, drip, drip as the bandages wear.

As time passes the wound becomes massive,
the red droplets start to flow as if it were a winding river.

Still, I stand my ground and wonder. Will you save me or wait until it's too late?

I really like some of the physicality in this. Unfortunately, I don't think it sits well with the more abstract 'message' that I suspect you are trying to get across.

The 'split open like...' Line is great, but again very physical, and I am not sure how it fits, conceptually.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing. Look forward to more.