If I Awake to Flames After I Die
#1
I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.
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#2
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my wealth to set aside…
I know of but one thing I would not give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I enjoyed this one, very good and nice rhythm. My only suggestion would be to separate it into stanzas to make it easier on the eyes and avoid the "wall of text" effect.
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#3
Loved this!! Although no a very good at critiques as I do not know enough to give a fair and balanced (is that an aphorism that one of the cable news stations uses that is actually an untruth?) critique BUT I agree with the gentleman who posted first after your post...Oh dear...confusing myself and everyone else at the same time!
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#4
Almost every time, I break a poem into stanzas, if not on paper, then in my head. The line after line is brutal to see sometimes. Structured poems are simply easier to look at.
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#5
If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.

But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race

more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.

Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I really like the last 2 lines, Line 9 and 11 should start with a cap letter, I'm not sure that L10 needs a colon, I was also trying to keep some separation or stanzas. I also have a bit of a time when reading thru L6

Beyond that, i enjoyed it immensely.
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#6
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I really like the last 3 lines. I could really 'feel" what was going on, which for me, is important. Maybe break it up into stanzas. I would have the last three lines into its own stanza because for me, it really seals the deal!
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#7
good effort, sadly punctuation isn't my forte. one of the rhymes could be better, all in all it's a solid effort. nothing stand out and jabs the reader in the eye though i did think the couplet round off the piece well it read for me as iambic and i saw nothing intrinsically wrong with it apart for the fact it didn't really hold me fast.
keep your eye out for the cliche as well

thanks for the read.

(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been. i'm assuming when you said it in your head [been] sounded like bin (it's how we say it in parts of the uk)
But cast into oblivion, if He, cliche
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell the first part of the couplet is cliche
to save my soul eternity in hell.
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#8
(07-24-2014, 02:17 PM)Joshua Wrote:  
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I found lots of pointless commas

Hi, Joshua, welcome. I hope you understand that your comment will not help the poet unless you point out which commas are "useless" and why. Please be more specific. Thanks./mod.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#9
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He, good place for a colon, I think.
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race felt kinda chunky when reading. I didn't like the stress on the "a"
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I like the how the poem starts with "eternal payment" and then ends with a refusal to sell. The bargaining makes it seem very typical of a religious monologue inside one's head. I found L12 particularly powerful because it is reaching a limit within your soul-- the last thing that you could not possibly budge on!
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#10
Honestly. This wasn't bad for a novice section piece.. I expected something much worse.. You've got the right idea as far as rhyme schemes and rhythms go.. this flowed well off the toungue for me.. nothing major as far as hiccups and I like the juxtaposition of the beginning to the end.. I really do quite enjoy this piece and I might save it in my huge list of poems I enjoy as a word document. it really is quite a nice piece and you have a decent flow to it.

My main complaint would be maybe a bit more imagery.. I like having a picture in my head of what's going on when I read something.. but that's just a person tidbit you had some decent imagery.. it was just a tad cliché.. nothing major tho.
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#11
"Payment" in the second line sounds off. Two words with long vowel sounds really extends this line to make it linger too much.

The last two lines would likely work better if they were of equal syllables. The way the lines currently working is the next to last line goes on just long enough to be noticed it's longer than the last line.
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#12
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
I loved this part, its very rhythmic.
In my opinion you lose it afterwards.
But still I love the idea of looking to your past and judging yourself.
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#13
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

Thui is a beautiful sonnet. Like most have said the large body of text needs to be broken into stanzas purely for aesthetic reasons. Secondly I enjoyed how the discourse progressively builds a more passionate semantic field. "My passions" "I'd never give up" "eternity in hell". It all makes for an excellent read! My final piece of constructive criticism would be to read your poem over and of ever a line sounds like it needs re arranging, then spend time finding the words that fit. Sometimes even just matching the syllables would do the job. Well done!
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#14
(09-04-2014, 12:12 PM)CameranMorgan Wrote:  Love this poem. It tells the truth about our sins. The punctuation is ok though it could be a little bit better but no by much though! I love the rhythm and the style. Keep up the good work!

(09-09-2014, 10:38 AM)an_unread_rose Wrote:  Wow very deep, a lot would not admit to it, but I bet they feel the same

Hi, folks, unfortunately these are not adequate critiques in the workshops. You need to be more specific. Please take a look at the important threads of each workshop before posting. Thanks, ella/mod.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#15
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.

I enjoyed reading your work, the beginning...

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.

Flows rather well and works to introduce the next lines in the piece, the use of 'sin' and 'been' is a good creative decision for your rhyme and contributes toward the continuity of the work. My suggestion is to take more chances with your choice of rhyme otherwise the work risks becoming monotonous. Your Sonnet feel 'natural' though, as if you do not struggle too much with the creation of your poetry.
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#16
Sad 
(09-12-2014, 12:59 PM)Pyxx Wrote:  
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.
But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live:
my passions and my past to set aside…
I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.
I enjoyed reading your work, the beginning...

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.

Flows rather well and works to introduce the next lines in the piece, the use of 'sin' and 'been' is a good creative decision for your rhyme and contributes toward the continuity of the work. My suggestion is to take more chances with your choice of rhyme otherwise the work risks becoming monotonous. Your Sonnet feel 'natural' though, as if you do not struggle too much with the creation of your poetry.
Your topic is quit interesting, it not everyday a poet will write about sin and hell. At least you bring up something different to read about.
The structure makes the edges sound rough so it would be a bit better to break the poem into stanza's.
The language you use is deep and you bring up the virtues of life which is what makes it an interesting poem to read.
the argument of thinking about reliving your life but then not so because of treasured moments. quit interesting.
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#17
(01-30-2014, 01:41 AM)alatos Wrote:  I could especially use help with punctuation!

If I awake to flames after I die
to make eternal payment for my sin,
I will not raise my voice to question why
remembering the man that I had been.

But cast into oblivion, if He,
the Perfect Judge, should look my way with grace
and offer lovingly to pardon me
if only I would run again life’s race
more faithfully, without conceited pride,
the greed-filled lies, the lust, this time to live
my passions and my past to set aside…

***I think the middle section above could use work. It's not entirely clear to me what you mean whereas the first section and the section below I really understand. I really enjoy how this turns into a love poem by the end.***

I know one thing alone I'd never give.
Those moments spent with you I would not sell
to save my soul eternity in hell.
Reply
#18
(01-20-2015, 06:08 AM)charlie142 Wrote:  i liked this, i really like the idea! Perhaps some of the rhymes could be tweaked, along with some of the rhythm, and personally I would rather it were split into separate stanzas. But I really liked this poem Smile

Please be more specific in the workshops. Which rhymes could be tweaked and why? Where is the "rhythm" off? Please leave critiques that can help the poet improve.

Thanks, ella/mod
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#19
Powerful! Although, I would capitalize the "To" in the last line for more of an emotional effect. But otherwise well done.
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#20
(01-24-2015, 03:17 PM)Kymax Wrote:  I am very new to this site and not sure about things yet. However I am hoping this is the proper way to leave a comment for what you have written. I absolutely love the message that is very apparent when reading this.Right up my alley of the type of things I like to write about but I am not much help with punctuation and grammar I am more interested in the message trying to be relayed to the reader. That is the number one reason why I joined this forum. Maybe I'll be able to learn where the commas go. What  Should be the capital letters and all that other fun stuff, however I write to get a message across and I believe you have done that. Good job thank you.

Welcome, Kymax, please check your PMs. ella/mod
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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