The Fire Within

[somnium]

You wanna be great, and you wanna be special? You want power to rule fate? Well why then do you accept what's on everyone else's plate? Why don't you learn to stand, and stop giving in to everyone else's demand? You can create!! That's right, and so do not go without a fight! STAND I SAY!! You accept death, and you accept all the decay, you accept that one day you will be out of breath you say. And the entire time you forget that you were given choice. Alas, do not fret for a new day is there to be met! Your imagination is alive and yearns to strive. So stop repeating everyone else's lines, and start accepting that within you is divine! You are like the Sun shining in the morn, as a child newly born. Your eyes can be made to see, peering into the mystery. And so start accepting creation and let go of the history. The time is now, and to no-one should you bow. All you need do is trust and allow, the light within, you already endow.

[zahrakh]

is this a prose poem or something? Because it has no line break and stanzas, so little hard to read.

[tectak]

You wanna be great, and you wanna be special? You want power to rule fate? Well why then do you accept what's on everyone else's plate? Why don't you learn to stand, and stop giving in to everyone else's demand? You can create!! That's right, and so do not go without a fight! STAND I SAY!! You accept death, and you accept all the decay, you accept that one day you will be out of breath you say. And the entire time you forget that you were given choice. Alas, do not fret for a new day is there to be met! Your imagination is alive and yearns to strive. So stop repeating everyone else's lines, and start accepting that within you is divine! You are like the Sun shining in the morn, as a child newly born. Your eyes can be made to see, peering into the mystery. And so start accepting creation and let go of the history. The time is now, and to no-one should you bow. All you need do is trust and allow, the light within, you already endow.

Hello somnium and welcome,
I write this because we do not accept single line crit as being valid. It is invariably fluffy or derogatory and does nothing to help the writer. In this piece, however, one could write copiously on the  cliched cry of this vacuum verse. It is as if the tables have turned....you have done nothing to help the reader. It may be good. I have no idea. I have tried to read it. I cannot. It reads like regurgitating a raw egg sandwich...it all comes out stuck slitheringly ( and if that ain't a word, it should be) together. Yuck...the sandwich, I mean. Or do I?
Get rid of all the cliches, any phrase you have heard in teenage angst song lyrics, forced rhymes (morn/born, decay/say),  get rid of at least half of the "and"'s, then punctuate to clarity what is left. This should not take long
Kindly best,
tectak

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is this a prose poem or something? Because it has no line break and stanzas, so little hard to read.

Would you be happy to receive crit like this? At least try to help the writer improve by thoughtful advice...after all, if you can see what is wrong you can tell what is right.
Mod

[Grace]

You wanna be great, and you wanna be special? You want power to rule fate? Well why then do you accept what's on everyone else's plate? Why don't you learn to stand, and stop giving in to everyone else's demand? You can create!! That's right, and so do not go without a fight! STAND I SAY!! You accept death, and you accept all the decay, you accept that one day you will be out of breath you say. And the entire time you forget that you were given choice. Alas, do not fret for a new day is there to be met! Your imagination is alive and yearns to strive. So stop repeating everyone else's lines, and start accepting that within you is divine! You are like the Sun shining in the morn, as a child newly born. Your eyes can be made to see, peering into the mystery. And so start accepting creation and let go of the history. The time is now, and to no-one should you bow. All you need do is trust and allow, the light within, you already endow.

Hello somnium and welcome,
I write this because we do not accept single line crit as being valid. It is invariably fluffy or derogatory and does nothing to help the writer. In this piece, however, one could write copiously on the  cliched cry of this vacuum verse. It is as if the tables have turned....you have done nothing to help the reader. It may be good. I have no idea. I have tried to read it. I cannot. It reads like regurgitating a raw egg sandwich...it all comes out stuck slitheringly ( and if that ain't a word, it should be) together. Yuck...the sandwich, I mean. Or do I?
Get rid of all the cliches, any phrase you have heard in teenage angst song lyrics, forced rhymes (morn/born, decay/say),  get rid of at least half of the "and"'s, then punctuate to clarity what is left. This should not take long
Kindly best,
tectak

---

is this a prose poem or something? Because it has no line break and stanzas, so little hard to read.

Would you be happy to receive crit like this? At least try to help the writer improve by thoughtful advice...after all, if you can see what is wrong you can tell what is right.
Mod

Speaking as one who mainly writes "raw egg sandwich" ( the words of which remain valid in a different context eg my journal in which I drink raw-egg daily), I would like to quote back to you these words from your poem:  "You can create!!  STAND I SAY!! Your imagination is alive. The time is now".

This poem is posted in a workshop. Please read the mod comment right above yours and address how to improve the poem rather than comment on your own writing quirks. Try to be more specific about the strengths and weaknesses of poem posted. Thanks, ella/mod

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Thank you! Point taken. Sorry.
Start again: I like the message of the poem: I think it is about being creative, trusting "the light within", rather than " repeating everyone else's lines". As a reader of it, I was distracted by some of the rhymes, eg mystery/history, bow/endow as they sounded as if they were perhaps put there just because they rhymed. Sometimes the rhymes fell in awkward places eg "why don't you learn to stand and stop giving in to everyone else's demand". At other times there were no rhymes eg "...and the entire time you were given choice. Alas, do not fret..". I was needing more of a rhythm to hang the words on, so they'd flow into my mind.

[i pray to pills]

I like the form you picked as a mean to make the poem non sacred. If you' re going through this unusual verse disposition think about rearrange the rhymes. That would fit with the theme. I personally like rhymes that are not in the end of the words, or are not exactly similar sounds. Creative rhymes.

As a foreign i don't get that use of "alas" . For me sounds archaic, but i dont know. Why is it there?

Sounds like a poem about confidence in art. I'd like to see  more clearly about what art stands against in the poem. Death is maybe a cliché, unless you can talk it from life, not from the books.

[simmon]

You really need to break the lines...

The first few lines already told what you want to write about, then it getting really off due to excessive expression, so I lost my motivation in reading. I think It is better if you try to rearrange the idea of what you want reader to feel at first then what after that. It is important that the readers must feel some kind of connection between them and your work (Maybe the first bit, but after that are too random). In overall, it feel like hook part from an online advertising than a poem.

[tomcrocus]

Hello there,
i'm not being patronising but as a junior member i think this
is a great effort,i get what you're saying,"your imagination is alive and yearns
to thrive",nice one,
Tom.