The World and All Its Light

[heslopian]

My grandmother's garden in spring was like
the courtyard of a faded mansion, where once someone
of note had sat; not to talk of anything grand
or pose, but just to sit, leaving their shadow
in the form of a plaque. "A statesman once sat here."
The cracked paving slabs (pink and yellow,
Battenburg) revealed the brittle grass, now black with age.

Over the rear fence, moulding and bowed, the tops of trees
called out to you, "come here, come here, the world
and all its light are over here". The birds were meaner;
they swooped and soared with gay abandon, featureless
like birds in children's pictures. They rarely stopped
to perch on our birdtable, or tease the brittle grass.

[billy]

hi jack

i like the feel of it, run down yet warm and full of memories.
i do think you could make it less yet more. some suggestions below;

for me the enjambment could be different
an example; (not a rewrite)

Over the rear fence, moulding and bowed
tops of trees called out to you,

"come here, come here, the world
and all its light are over here".

The birds were meaner;
they swooped and soared with gay abandon
featureless
like birds in children's pictures.

i don't think it would take take long to give it a good edit because you already have the story
thanks for the read.

My grandmother's garden in spring was like is my needed? we can assume it's the 1'st persons granny. i think the line reads better if it ends after spring
the courtyard of a faded mansion, where once someone
of note had sat; not to talk of anything grand
or pose, but just to sit, leaving their shadow
in the form of a plaque. "A statesman once sat here." would the quote be better on it's own line?
The cracked paving slabs (pink and yellow,
Battenburg) revealed the brittle grass, now black with age. a suggestion would be The cracked Battenburg paving slabs, let them google as it's a common item

Over the rear fence, moulding and bowed, the tops of trees
called out to you, "come here, come here, the world
and all its light are over here". The birds were meaner;
they swooped and soared with gay abandon, featureless
like birds in children's pictures. They rarely stopped
to perch on our birdtable, or tease the brittle grass.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and helpful critique, Bilbo I like "the cracked Battenberg paving slabs". I asked myself whether I could make that metaphor subtler. I like your suggested enjambments, too. They'd make the poem more definitely free verse.
I see what you mean about "my" in the first line, but without it the line reads too stilted and posh, I think, like "mummy's house" or "father's room".

[Erthona]

Jack,

Outside of "revealed the brittle grass, now black with age." which I have never seen, you have crated an excellent dichotomy that could apply to so many things, such as the split between the eventually staleness of the English Romantic period and the freshness of the modernest period.

I'm also thinking after another read that it should be "but just to sat," instead of "but just to sit,". That might be complete;y wrong, but I'm not pulling out the grammar book to find out, besides just sat feels correct.

PS to Bilbo "cracked Battenburg paving slabs" common where? I have never heard of them!


Dale

---

Jack,

I had written something of more substance but Billy's program had whisked it away. I have never heard of Battenburg (Billy) no seen "black grass" (except for in the oil fields). Anyway, nice dichotomy. Must go now.

Dale

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and helpful critique, Erthona I see what you mean about sit/sat... It's hard to get the tense right. I think I put "sit" because I was going for the present tense; a fantasy being imagined as the narrator speaks.

---

I had written something of more substance but Billy's program had whisked it away. I have never heard of Battenburg (Billy) no seen "black grass" (except for in the oil fields). Anyway, nice dichotomy. Must go now.

Dale

This is Battenburg cake, a popular teatime treat in England http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/food/ic/food_16x...8_16x9.jpg

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and honest feedback, fogglethorpe I like your useful trimming of a few things in the poem.

[billy]

PS to Bilbo "cracked Battenburg paving slabs" common where? I have never heard of them!

Dale

a battenburg is common so doesn't need referencing (not the phrase) the use of b/burg is excellent

[Erthona]

"Pot licker" also common and doesn't need referencing. Right?

[tectak]

Hi hes,
Sentiment rules...I like the quietness of understated emotion...no "but" here, it gets by on veracity. There are places where a pedant can drop a kerchief...pick it up or leave it. Here goes.
My grandmother's garden in spring was like
the courtyard of a faded mansion, where once someone where someone of note once sat
of note had sat; not to talk of anything grand Disconnect. One does not need to sit for any inverted reason...least of all the exclusivity of talking...so why mention it? Better to say "...of note once sat; no grand oration nor pride in pose, but just to sit, leaving his (their? plural. Singular, surely, as evinced by next line) shadow in a (adjective to suit) plaque." Form of a plaque? Or a plaque?
or pose, but just to sit, leaving their shadow
in the form of a plaque. "A statesman once sat here."
The cracked paving slabs (pink and yellow, No no. Impertinent thoughts which pop into your mind need to be gently massaged into the flesh of a poem...not crudely tattooed on the surface. Battenburg...maybe but of what relevance? Avoid the pointless metaphor/simile.
Battenburg) revealed the brittle grass, now black with age.

Over the rear fence, moulding and bowed, the tops of trees
called out to you, "come here, come here, the world
and all its light are over here". The birds were meaner; Line breaks are becoming randomised. If you abandon rhythm...abandon it completely. You cannot beat one drum with three hits from three different sticks...or derive rhythm with three different lines.
they swooped and soared with gay abandon, featureless Ooops! Gay abandon? That's a new one on me... not
like birds in children's pictures. They rarely stopped
to perch on our birdtable, or tease the brittle grass.

A lot to like but it is let down by the packaging...too much of it.
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful feedback, tectak I especially like your edit of the "someone of note" metaphor. The Battenburg metaphor was supposed to recall tea with grandmother, that kind of cake being a stereotypically granny food, but I see what you mean, especially in regards to the parenthetic presentation.