To My Son

[kingmicahde]

When I look at you I see potential
Potential to conquer the world
No one can stop you but yourself
Let the fear of inadequeacy fuel you

In your little hands
I see the ability to love and provide
Those hands that you use to create
I know that those hands will do extrordinary things

In your small feet
Those feet will guide you on your conquest
Stand up right with those feet before the world
Let that be your foundation

Your tiny heart
Follow your heart like a compass
And you will learn to show compassion
Let the beat of your heart be your soundtrack

Use your eyes
They see things for what they are
And for what they could be
Use them to invision your destiny

Yes my son you are small
But you won't be long
You have potential
Potential to take over the world

[kathyjeanp]

The love you feel for your son flows beautifully in this poem.

[DonMar]

This is a charming tribute to your son. I love the hands, feet, heart, and eyes references.

I have a couple of suggestions. One of these is to re-think line 4 in S1. It's the only negative line in the entire lyric, and sounds at odds with the overall tone. Perhaps turn the line around to say, for instance, something about courage or curiousity. You might also re-think line 3.

I'd also suggest altering somewhat the notion of conquering/taking over the world. That notion leaves me a little uneasy, given that so many other figures in history have tried to take over. I know you don't mean 'conquer' literally, but maybe adjust those lines to convey something about enhancing the world, contributing to it in a positive way, making it a better place than he found it. (You touch on such aspects in S2.) Even the notion of 'taking on the world' might be better.

In S2&3, you're telling the child what he will do. In S4&5, you're instructing him to do something. I feel it would strengthen the poem if you used either one or the other (e.g. either telling or teaching).

I'd also recommend using the same structure for each stanza (e.g. along the lines of S1), for the sake of consistency.

In any case, these are simply the random thoughts of one person. Keep or sweep.

Donna

When I look at you I see potential
Potential to conquer the world
No one can stop you but yourself
Let the fear of inadequeacy fuel you

In your little hands
I see the ability to love and to provide For a parallel structure.
Those hands that you use to create Perhaps adjust to read something like 'I know these hands will be used to create/to do extraordinary things'.
I know that those hands will do extrordinary things

In your small feet
Those feet will guide you on your conquest Maybe begin again with 'I see', also in the following stanza, for consistency.
Stand up right with those feet before the world
Let that be your foundation

Your tiny heart
Follow your heart like a compass
And you will learn to show compassion
Let the beat of your heart be your soundtrack

Use your eyes
They see things for what they are
And for what they could be
Use them to invision your destiny

Yes my son you are small
But you won't be for long
You have potential
Potential to take over the world

[kingmicahde]

Hey thanks I really appreciate the comments I will be working on one for my daughter next then after a while I'm going to perfect each poem and showcase them as spoken word hopefully soon