01-12-2014, 07:44 AM
Too shocking
to absorb the shock
he didn't
prepare himself
for the happening
blaming it
on his Mummy
which at 33 is woeful!
should have been brave
and yelled it to the world
that he himself was to blame!
That first part is going along O.K., then you stop and add the Barbaric Freddy, and that's O.K. too. But the second half of the poem is getting inflated over old news. Barbaric Freddy seems like a pretty dull cat, just now realizing that people are full of shit, and nothing happens.
What I think is that you could either cut and replace that last half of the poem, or keep it and add to it. As it is, it doesn't feel finished.
The little errors are typos and can be easily fixed, but there could be more to it.
You could develop more on the theme of the few opening stanzas and then go into Freddy, and show how he puzzles, then continue from there.
to absorb the shock
he didn't
prepare himself
for the happening
blaming it
on his Mummy
which at 33 is woeful!
should have been brave
and yelled it to the world
that he himself was to blame!
That first part is going along O.K., then you stop and add the Barbaric Freddy, and that's O.K. too. But the second half of the poem is getting inflated over old news. Barbaric Freddy seems like a pretty dull cat, just now realizing that people are full of shit, and nothing happens.
What I think is that you could either cut and replace that last half of the poem, or keep it and add to it. As it is, it doesn't feel finished.
The little errors are typos and can be easily fixed, but there could be more to it.
You could develop more on the theme of the few opening stanzas and then go into Freddy, and show how he puzzles, then continue from there.
