Stones

[Heartafire]

He needs to disassociate.
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill.

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught.

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

[Codry]

He needs to disassociate.
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill.

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught.

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

For a senior member I was expecting a better one than this ... I have a problem with the fact that there are no capital letters used at every beginning(word) of the verse, the fact that it makes no sense why her father or brother "cast" the stones for her adultery or why is she chosen to take her place.. is there some incest going on? if the stones are not meant to kill why does it have to be a fatal blow? why would she wonder about their remorse after death (assuming there's no life afterwards)?

[beaufort]

I like this (have enjoyed all your recent posts), have made a few comments below.


He needs to disassociate. I read "disassociate" as "dissociate" in the psychiatric sense of unconscious separation of cognition from affect or feeling. Or do you mean he has to disassociate physically/emotionally from his soon-to-be killed wife? Or perhaps both.[b]
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill. I like the implication that stones are not by nature dangerous

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught. this gave me chills, thinking of what these young girls are witness to and how early they are forced to marry

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

In those countries where this is a culturally sanctioned response to alleged adultery, it is interesting to consider whether the men would feel guilt (pride? moral righteousness?) or just view the stoning in a matter-of-fact way. I think it is a powerful and thought-provoking image. Thanks.

[Codry]

I like this (have enjoyed all your recent posts), have made a few comments below.


He needs to disassociate. I read "disassociate" as "dissociate" in the psychiatric sense of unconscious separation of cognition from affect or feeling. Or do you mean he has to disassociate physically/emotionally from his soon-to-be killed wife? Or perhaps both.[b]
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill. I like the implication that stones are not by nature dangerous

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught. this gave me chills, thinking of what these young girls are witness to and how early they are forced to marry

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

In those countries where this is a culturally sanctioned response to alleged adultery, it is interesting to consider whether the men would feel guilt (pride? moral righteousness?) or just view the stoning in a matter-of-fact way. I think it is a powerful and thought-provoking image. Thanks.

I don't wanna sound like a pig but I would have written more about the trauma the woman suffers while she's being assaulted by stones and the eye to eye connection with her daughter while this is happening(that would have made more sense and I would have recon the particular caste the author was talking about) ... I would have dug deeper. Poetry is not about reporting only the facts it's about the rapport between the facts and the emotion behind them.

[justcloudy]

Codry, why don't you write your own poem with this theme? You'd go about it differently, which is fine, but no need to harp on a poet saying you "expected more" and telling her the focus is all wrong. Your many comments will be of little use to her when she goes to edit.

Heart, I live in a very moderate Muslim country and am not a fan of how people/ the media focuses on the glamorized atrocities in very select and backwards regions of the world, so I'll refrain from commenting.

-justcloudy

[Heartafire]

He needs to disassociate.
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill.

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught.

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

For a senior member I was expecting a better one than this ... I have a problem with the fact that there are no capital letters used at every beginning(word) of the verse, the fact that it makes no sense why her father or brother "cast" the stones for her adultery or why is she chosen to take her place.. is there some incest going on? if the stones are not meant to kill why does it have to be a fatal blow? why would she wonder about their remorse after death (assuming there's no life afterwards)?

Codry, I can't imagine why you think a "senior member" means
anything more than that I have posted a number of poems here and has nothing to do with my skills as a writer. I don't feel the need to use caps at the beginning of each line, why would I do that? You missed the point regarding the young girl who (in this poem) has been chosen by the "wronged" spouse to replace his wife. No incest is involved though I don't know why I even address such a nonsensical remark. I find your comments ridiculous.

---

Codry, why don't you write your own poem with this theme? You'd go about it differently, which is fine, but no need to harp on a poet saying you "expected more" and telling her the focus is all wrong. Your many comments will be of little use to her when she goes to edit.

Heart, I live in a very moderate Muslim country and am not a fan of how people/ the media focuses on the glamorized atrocities in very select and backwards regions of the world, so I'll refrain from commenting.

-justcloudy

Just Cloudy, my poem is based on a recent documentary that I watched and the atrocities being played out in some regions of the world are well known. Thank you for reading my poem.
My best!
Heart

[YouAreMe]

He needs to disassociate.
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill.

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught.

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

Very awesome I liked it. Kinda suspenseful

[ChristopherSea]

He needs to disassociate.
His claim is that she has
committed adultery.
Before the pit is dug,
stones are gathered.
They are not meant to kill.

Who will cast the first stone,
the father or the brother?
Chosen to take her place,
the young girl is forced to watch,
life’s lessons must be taught.

When they close their eyes
Will the gritty taste of dirt
fill their mouth?
Lying in the dark, will they wonder
whose stone delivered the fatal blow?

Hello Heartafire. I see you already have a lot of feedback to sort through for this one since I first read it. Nonetheless, I think you could strengthen your opening by removing that period and completing the statement. You could try something like:

He needs to dissociate
from his claim that she has
committed adultery
and the consequences
of the accusation.

I beleive that dissociate would be stronger than disassociate both sonically and conotatively. Perhaps you wanted to create some doubt or double meaning, but the poem may have less ambigiuity if you reconcile: 'stones...not meant to kill' and 'the fatal blow'. The same with: 'Chosen to take her place' and
'the young girl is forced to watch,' Which is it, is she forced to watch the stoning of the aldultress or does she arbitrarily have to take her place? If she has to take her place, why? How does that teach the child a lessen if she is dead. Why would it prevent another woman from committing the same act, if the consequence is that another innocent girl will take your place? I would be relieved, if this is the case. Clarification is probably needed. I might put 'Who will cast the first stone,' in quotes or in intallics. Alternatively, you could say it in a new way. I do like the contrasting references to the bliblical stoning that Jesus was supposed to have witnessed and the Shirley Jackson short story, 'The lottery' that you had me rethinking after reading this. I hope something above helps you with your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[Erthona]

Heartafire,


"He needs to disassociate"
I read this as a nice double entendre as meaning he needed to sever his ties with her socially, and also emotionally. For the rest of the poem it took several reads to figure out who was who and what their role was. Just by process of elimination I understood the girl was to be his wife. I still have not resolved the stones problem. Obviously they are going to be used to bury her, but she will be dead first.

Here's the problem, although I can probably figure most of this out, I shouldn't have to. This is not a complex idea you are trying to get across, it is simply storytelling. So why the lack of clarity? I suspect you are like most of us and assume that the reader knows more than he does. I had a real bad blind spot when I first started writing, and it took me nearly ten years to begin to see how I made the assumption that everyone should understand what I was saying because I did. The problem was that I was holding back about 50% of the needed information that the reader needed. One way to help with this is to let the piece set for awhile, and then come back to it after you have forgotten it some. It will help to recognize the holes you have left and consequently fill them in.
As far as capping the first word of every line, that convention disappeared mid-twentieth century, and has only been retained for the sonnet.

Example from Allen Ginsberg's Howl circa 1955-56


For Carl Solomon

I

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated,
who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war..."

Dale