Underneath

[LaughGiraffe]

In the darkest hour of indigo night
under blackberry sky sugared with light,
the inviting mouths of lovers new
perform the acts that lovers do.

Curtains drawn to a close.
We slip out of clothing and into roles.
Under covers to warm and conceal
the chill of beings yet unrevealed.

What magic in your searching eyes
coaxes me to swallow lies?
Though my body's bare as desert land
you unzip me with your slight of hand.

My inner workings, strong as bricks,
are no match for your heart-melting tricks.
Your piercing gaze splitting up my sides,
my back exposed, then butterflied.

Your tongue and fingers, skillful keys,
prod and poke to taunt and tease.
Though I've never been a chatterbox,
the sheets are littered with my busted locks.

As the floodgates dry at the source,
and our dialogue runs its course,
we end our explorations within,
and, ravenous, yearn for the taste of skin.

My satin freed from armor plates
hugs your muscles, wraps round your waist.
You palm these mountains, taste these plains,
tongue racing across my dark terrain.

In the heat of one another's core
we melt and blend evermore,
articulating what we could not before
through thrust and word, spoken for.

[mwhite0017]

I love the way that your poem flows smoothly with your rhymes, but they don't feel forced, they just work really well. I feel like some of the punctuation could be changed, as to help the reader better understand the voicing of the poem when they read it. For instance, your last few lines.
In the heat of one another's core
we melt and blend evermore, ( I feel like placing a period here, rather than a comma, would show the reader to rest there.)
articulating what we could not before
through thrust and word, spoken for.

I could be completely wrong though! I guess it depends on the writers preference.

[cidermaid]

Hi LG, you have some realy nice images and lines in this one.
I'll offer a few comments as I read it through again.

In the darkest hour of indigo night
under blackberry sky sugared with light, A great opener. I really like blackberry sky, coupled with the rhyme of indigo night / sugared light. Nice.
the inviting mouths of lovers new
perform the acts that lovers do. but I feel let down by these two lines they seam a bit plain and almost cliched. Also the syntax feels a bit forced with lovers new...like it was only turned round to fit the rhyme.

Curtains drawn to a close.
We slip out of clothing and into roles.
Under covers to warm and conceal
the chill of beings yet unrevealed.

What magic in your searching eyes
coaxes me to swallow lies? These two lines and the stanza above read as a section of descriptive narative put in to get from the opener to the next image. Ie just filling the space.
Though my body's bare as desert land
you unzip me with your slight of hand. Back to the images and both of these are solid and work IMO

My inner workings, strong as bricks,
are no match for your heart-melting tricks.
Your piercing gaze splitting up my sides,
my back exposed, then butterflied. Not sure that these images fit...(although I do like them)...I'm getting images of a meat portion being preped for the table...Is this what you were looking to achieve?

Your tongue and fingers, skillful keys,
prod and poke to taunt and tease.
Though I've never been a chatterbox, Never been feels the wrong word; perhaps contract and use not a instead. Overall think this image fits well with the previous from the sky to the land to bricks. I like how the focus is brought down into smaller spaces and details.
the sheets are littered with my busted locks.

As the floodgates dry at the source,
and our dialogue runs its course,
we end our explorations within,
and, ravenous, yearn for the taste of skin.

My satin freed from armor plates
hugs your muscles, wraps round your waist.
You palm these mountains, taste these plains,
tongue racing across my dark terrain.

In the heat of one another's core
we melt and blend evermore,
articulating what we could not before
through thrust and word, spoken for.

I feel that overall this is a great poem in the making with lots of nice images going on. My suggestion is that you think again about the connection between your images and make sure that they do not become confused or cluttered. Try to keep to one theme. I like how you develop the narative from the big spaces down into smaller details as the love making pregresses. Perhaps you could re-look at the last three stanzas as currently they feel like although you maintained your rhyme scheme and story line you lost focus and it sort of just petered out. (No fireworks!)

[The Jester]

I completely agree with mwhite regaring the rhyme, it's fluid and effortless when read aloud.
There's an understated sexiness throughout the piece and you've managed it well, it remains subtle rather than consuming the story, at no point does it become overbearing or tacky.
I think the opening stanza's are definitely the strongest, I would've liked to see you maintain the potency, instead I felt it got a little weaker as the poem progressed. The ending should be just as impactful, if not moreso, than the beginning.

Overall, I think this is an outstanding write for a novice.

[teejai]

One of the best poems I have read so far today, it had a magnificent flow and I agree with Jester that it didn't feel overbearing or tacky. A few lines were slightly off pace but it was nothing that brought the poem down at all. Truly an honour to read, thank you for sharing

[tomoffing]

In the darkest hour of indigo night
under blackberry sky sugared with light, this is truly excellent.
the inviting mouths of lovers new
perform the acts that lovers do.

Curtains drawn to a close.
We slip out of clothing and into roles. I tripped ever so slightly here. 1 foot too many. Slipped from clothing into roles perhaps??
Under covers to warm and conceal
the chill of beings yet unrevealed. I don't agree with the critique that this stanza is filler. Presents the scene for the rest of the poem really well for me.

What magic in your searching eyes
coaxes me to swallow lies?
Though my body's bare as desert land
you unzip me with your slight of hand.

My inner workings, strong as bricks,
are no match for your heart-melting tricks.
Your piercing gaze splitting up my sides,
my back exposed, then butterflied. Butterflied is perfect for me here. I imagine an arching back. Brilliantly done if that's what you intended

Your tongue and fingers, skillful keys,
prod and poke to taunt and tease.
Though I've never been a chatterbox,
the sheets are littered with my busted locks. Not sure about these two lines. Chatterbox, littered, busted locks conflict somewhat with the more tender images and tones. More likely I who's missing the point though.

As the floodgates dry at the source,
and our dialogue runs its course,
we end our explorations within,
and, ravenous, yearn for the taste of skin. I'd remove the first comma.

My satin freed from armor plates great image of disarming
hugs your muscles, wraps round your waist.
You palm these mountains, taste these plains,
tongue racing across my dark terrain.

In the heat of one another's core
we melt and blend evermore,
articulating what we could not before
through thrust and word, spoken for.

This is really beautiful. Effortless flow and rhyme, it's descriptive, intimate and graphic without being sophomoric, obvious or overbearing.
I will be reviewing everything I've written on the subject in light of this.

Thank you very much.

[Blake]

I enjoyed reading this one, great use of visual, descriptive words. Also pretty good rhyme and rhythm. I've always felt that both rhyme and rhythm add a certain "magic" to poetry that freeform simply doesnt deliver, good job.