Take Your Pills

[Judgey]

Take your pills.
Those three words dig at my soul,
Can't you see I've been clawing at this hole
My fingers hurt - all I can taste is clay and dirt
Wondering when exactly I'll get to see your face over the ledge..

I will be your pillar as long as you let me stand,
Clench your hands and just trust in my arms to carry you
Through hell or high water and I promise.. not to get your hair wet

I remember the day I told you there was another woman
and you said you'd need to think about it.
and that night you wanted to sleep alone,
but I watched you go home with Guillaume
I had been shot.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I'm sorry I break down when I lose shit,
Some people are obviously better stitched.
But as I knit myself up, know that at least I care.

In a moment where all I wanted was to smell your hair,
and from that pit of despair, the clouds parted and you stood there
In my doorway asking meekly if you were welcome..

Lady, there's no one more welcome than you
and while I'll never understand the concept of a glass shoe
I'd love nothing more than to squeeze into you and writhe -
Be alive in passion unrestrained, your love coursing through my veins
I love you.

So we lay there, my mind finally at peace.
I had found my new drug,
Her body not making a peep
The first night I didn't pop a pill to sleep.

[tectak]

Take your pills.
Those three words dig at my soul,
Can't you see I've been clawing at this hole
My fingers hurt - all I can taste is clay and dirt
Wondering when exactly I'll get to see your face over the ledge..

I will be your pillar as long as you let me stand,
Clench your hands and just trust in my arms to carry you
Through hell or high water and I promise.. not to get your hair wet

I remember the day I told you there was another woman
and you said you'd need to think about it.
and that night you wanted to sleep alone,
but I watched you go home with Guillaume
I had been shot.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I'm sorry I break down when I lose shit,
Some people are obviously better stitched.
But as I knit myself up, know that at least I care.

In a moment where all I wanted was to smell your hair,
and from that pit of despair, the clouds parted and you stood there
In my doorway asking meekly if you were welcome..

Lady, there's no one more welcome than you
and while I'll never understand the concept of a glass shoe
I'd love nothing more than to squeeze into you and writhe -
Be alive in passion unrestrained, your love coursing through my veins
I love you.

So we lay there, my mind finally at peace.
I had found my new drug,
Her body not making a peep
The first night I didn't pop a pill to sleep.

Please don't dump and run.Read the forum rules. You must give crit before posting, that is only fair. This thread will be moved to novice but may be considered for workshopping if that is your wish, after you have given some critique to others.
Best,
tectak

[jdguyb]

The title of the poem makes me think of taking pills but the body of your poem has nothing to do with it. also the rhyming scheme is off.

[ScurryFunger]

The woman's a fool. The man is self absorbed and shallow.

As love letters go...

The last verse was great, it said it all with a final 'ha, my guilt is gone' rather than a 'I've caused her so much pain, I'm so sorry'

[The Jester]

It starts of good, but between the beginning and end it seems to lack substance. What is the fascination with her hair?
But I really liked the meaning of the final stanza.

I also like the second stanza, it starts off strong but the "...not to get your hair wet" kinda put me off and then I found it hard to get into the write properly.
I really hope you work on this, it has the potential to be a truly outstanding write. You just need to mean it, and feel it more.

[Destructed]

the first and last stanza were wonderful. I love the descriptive aspect you've put into those two stanzas, but I feel that some of the others weren't as united as they could be? a little bit all over the place. but I love the heart and soul in this

[Blake]

When I first began reading I was excited that this may be another rhyming poem (my favorites), but I found that rhymes were only occasionally placed throughout the poem. To me this seemed to break the natural flow.

Of course that may in fact be your chosen form, as alot of us have different writing styles and preferences, but as for my personal preference I would say either stick with the rhyming or remove them all together. It can confuse the reader as to what kind of poem they are reading.