WORLD STAGE BAR SCENE -PG

[ChessPiece]

WORLD STAGE BAR SCENE

drink on
men and women of the sickly age

there was a season to
turn turn turn
yeah yeah yeah

it fucked us over
all that passive-aggressive revolution

you’re still lovers and killers and thieves
you’re still petty,
grand larceny and theft under 5K
is it ok?
no,
it’s not ok- do it anyway

drink fervently on,
i’ve heard that
you’re inherently good although
i have my doubts

critics!
take note the heaping of garbage bags
stuffed with
day-old donuts
piled-up fat stomachs in rancid bins
the ravines are aglow and fragrant with jasmine carcinogen
the forests alive with hysteria
the molted antlers hang broken in the trees

mosquito, hummingbird, drone?
a new conspiracy theory
for a sniping in plain sight
detractors say:
‘come on people relax…
it’s not the end of the world!’

oh but it is

[bena]

I like the point....not sure about the route to take to get there. I mean, I get what you are doing, but at no point am I connecting to the fried sixties up-chucked in anger later in life narrator. Maybe it's just me though, that happens a lot.

it was a wild ride, though.

[ChessPiece]

Thanks for the comments, Bena. If I might ask, what did you mean by connecting? Was there something specific that prevented it. Maybe I can correct this. Wild ride? I'll take it! Somewhere between lazy drivel and tour de force, I like the sound of that

I like the point....not sure about the route to take to get there. I mean, I get what you are doing, but at no point am I connecting to the fried sixties up-chucked in anger later in life narrator. Maybe it's just me though, that happens a lot.

it was a wild ride, though.

[bena]

I just felt disconnected, like I was listening to a speech or a half-rant. Not sure how to fix it, I'm sure someone will come along with better advice.

[ellajam]

Hi, Chess, at first I wanted this to start at "drink fervently on", but maybe that's because I don't like getting yelled at.
Again, I'd like to see what would happen with full punctuation, if you need it at the end you might need it straight through. Here are some notes:

WORLD STAGE BAR SCENE

drink on
men and women of the sickly age I'd cut this line, you say it better below.

there was a season to
turn turn turn
yeah yeah yeah

it fucked us over
all that passive-aggressive revolution I'd cut "all that", and maybe lose the white space.

you’re still lovers and killers and thieves
you’re still petty, Petty is very good here
grand larceny and theft under 5K I don't get "theft under 5K", a legal limit? That may be just me
is it ok? I'd prefer something like "Are you ok?", a more direct, amusing reference.
no,
it’s not ok- do it anyway

drink fervently on,
i’ve heard that Not a fan, you could say this better.
you’re inherently good although
i have my doubts

critics! I don't think you are talking just to critics, I don't get this.
take note the heaping of garbage bags
stuffed with Why break on with? But here the beauty begins, great section.
day-old donuts
piled-up fat stomachs in rancid bins
the ravines are aglow and fragrant with jasmine carcinogen Love this line
the forests alive with hysteria
the molted antlers hang broken in the trees

mosquito, hummingbird, drone?
a new conspiracy theory
for a sniping in plain sight
detractors say: I'd bring the next line up
‘come on people relax…
it’s not the end of the world!’

oh but it is

Hope this gives you some help with your edit.

[ChessPiece]

Great suggestions, points to ponder during editing for sure. Yeah theft under $5,000 is a legal term.
For the first line are you suggesting removing the entire line or just "men and women of the sickly age"?
Not sure about the "Are You Okay" line but I'll mess around with it.
I agree that 5th stanza a bit weak.

I definitely can remove the critics bit, I guess I was referring to those who didn't agree with the narrative.

Thanks again for these great comments!

Hi, Chess, at first I wanted this to start at "drink fervently on", but maybe that's because I don't like getting yelled at.
Again, I'd like to see what would happen with full punctuation, if you need it at the end you might need it straight through. Here are some notes:

WORLD STAGE BAR SCENE

drink on
men and women of the sickly age I'd cut this line, you say it better below.

there was a season to
turn turn turn
yeah yeah yeah

it fucked us over
all that passive-aggressive revolution I'd cut "all that", and maybe lose the white space.

you’re still lovers and killers and thieves
you’re still petty, Petty is very good here
grand larceny and theft under 5K I don't get "theft under 5K", a legal limit? That may be just me
is it ok? I'd prefer something like "Are you ok?", a more direct, amusing reference.
no,
it’s not ok- do it anyway

drink fervently on,
i’ve heard that Not a fan, you could say this better.
you’re inherently good although
i have my doubts

critics! I don't think you are talking just to critics, I don't get this.
take note the heaping of garbage bags
stuffed with Why break on with? But here the beauty begins, great section.
day-old donuts
piled-up fat stomachs in rancid bins
the ravines are aglow and fragrant with jasmine carcinogen Love this line
the forests alive with hysteria
the molted antlers hang broken in the trees

mosquito, hummingbird, drone?
a new conspiracy theory
for a sniping in plain sight
detractors say: I'd bring the next line up
‘come on people relax…
it’s not the end of the world!’

oh but it is

Hope this gives you some help with your edit.

[ellajam]

Great suggestions, points to ponder during editing for sure. Yeah theft under $5,000 is a legal term.
For the first line are you suggesting removing the entire line or just "men and women of the sickly age"?
Not sure about the "Are You Okay" line but I'll mess around with it.
I agree that 5th stanza a bit weak.

I definitely can remove the critics bit, I guess I was referring to those who didn't agree with the narrative.

Thanks again for these great comments!

I was just the "men....age" line I was addressing.

That may be bad "I'm OK" advice, it was just a thought, maybe a hasty one.

I like S5, it's just "I've heard that" that I think could be better, maybe "believing" or something along those lines.

Good luck with it.