Prisoner

[Loveblind]

Lonely thoughts
Eagerly waiting to escape my mind
But, I continue to drown
In words,thoughts

I am on mute
I want to speak
But, I keep silent
So much words rushing to roll off my tongue
Yet, I`m Still Silent

burning sensation in my throat
when I swallow the words bitterly
angry thoughts surge rapidly
How could I not express
Nor Speak

In a tough world, where it's barley
a strong pack together
Alone one trys to stand, but leans
I am a prisoner of my words and thoughts

[billy]

Lonely thoughts
Eagerly waiting to escape my mind
But, I continue to drown
In words,thoughts

I am on mute
I want to speak
But, I keep silent
So much words rushing to roll off my tongue (many words)
Yet, I`m Still Silent

burning sensation in my throat
when I swallow the words bitterly
angry thoughts surge rapidly
How could I not express
Nor Speak

In a tough world, where it's barley
a strong pack together
Alone one trys to stand, but leans
I am a prisoner of my words and thoughts

for me there's a lot of reiteration with this one LB, that isn't needed.
could do with a few concrete images.

as far as i can see you have one verse
explained 4 different ways.

the emotion and frustration need to be shown not told.

as always it's great to see you posting.

[addy]

Just a few spelling error to mind LB

Lonely thoughts
Eagerly waiting to escape my mind
But, I continue to drown
In words,thoughts the word "thoughts" was repeated (or is this intentional?)

I am on mute
I want to speak
But, I keep silent
So much "many" words rushing to roll off my tongue
Yet, I`m Still Silent

burning sensation in my throat
when I swallow the words bitterly
angry thoughts surge rapidly
How could I not express
Nor Speak I noticed that you had different colorful ways of describing your thoughts (lonely, angry, waiting to escape) ... maybe it would be interesting if you make the image a full-blown personification. Have the thoughts acting as literal jailers(shadowed figures that chain you and torture you), or maybe acting as fellow prisoners in your mind. Something like that.

In a tough world, where it's barley (barely)
a strong pack together
Alone one trys (tries) to stand, but leans
I am a prisoner of my words and thoughts

Thanks for the read LB. Always eager to see your stuff

[Loveblind]

How could I possibly improve this?

[billy]

here's a different take on the 1st first verse LB

Lonely thoughts
Eagerly waiting to escape my mind
But, I continue to drown
In words,thoughts

Lonely
eagerly weighted thoughts
imprisoned in my mindset.
I drown
in viscous words unspoken

i did it really quick to show a different (not necessarily better) way.
what do you think ? jmo

[addy]

Let's see... billy suggested you can do with a few concrete images. One easy way you can do this is to pick one image/metaphor, and use that as inspiration for other images in the poem.

Just as an example, your title is "Prisoner", so you can strengthen the messages of your poem by using imagery related to a prison or anything about being imprisoned. For instance, in the verse about being mute, you can talk about being gagged, or compare your voice to heavy, creaking chains. Something like that.

You don't have to do it that way, but its just one suggestion in order to sprinkle a few more concrete images there

[Loveblind]

Thanks so much guys. I found the advice very helpful. I`m going to re work the poem and try new things.

[billy]

good for you. LB

i moved you help post to the help section. tack the edits you have on to the bottom of their respective threads