Her Thraldom
#1
1st revision

Its so easy to hear the cries bellowing beneath the sheets
and her footsteps echoing through the halls
Her mouth contains words lips will never speak
Her heart only feels verbs

Her posture regal
Capitalist
Catapulting cynic concepts via lucid lies
Crashing comber of metaphors

Like

Leaning towers of a distraught mind
Meteors showering saline cries
A conjuring soul seeping through holes a normal person wouldn't find

If you told her you loved her
she'd only wait for the next lie
Shes well-seasoned
and one who waits on an infinite line

Waiting for reproof
A reassuring shrine
That she too will lead a generation though the stains of the tears she cried

original
It’s so easy to hear her cries bellowing from the sheets
Her Footsteps Echo through the halls
Her mouth contains words her lips will never speak
Her heart only feels verbs

Her posture regal
Capitalist
Catapulting cynic concepts via lucid lies
Crashing comber of metaphors

Like

Leaning Towers of a distraught mind
And
Her meteors showering saline cries
Her conjuring soul seeping through holes a normal person wouldn’t find

If you told her you loved her
She’d only wait for the next lie
This is a woman who’s done all, seen all
Who waits on an infinite line

Waiting for reproof
A reassuring shrine
That she too will lead a generation through the tracks of the tears she cried
Reply
#2
Hello Acasia, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you (both inline and overall):

(01-03-2014, 10:19 PM)AcasiaMotley Wrote:  It’s so easy to hear her cries bellowing from the sheets--would beneath be better than from?
Her Footsteps Echo through the halls--The capitalization doesn't seem to add much for me
Her mouth contains words her lips will never speak
Her heart only feels verbs--This is an interesting line.

My first impression of S1 is that you use her a lot. It would be better if you could find a way to remove some of the pronouns. The content would improve if the repetitiveness were removed (in my opinion). I also wonder if your title is helping you much. If the title for instance was "Her" or some variation that would allow you to mix up the structure a bit. Just a thought.

Her posture regal
Capitalist
Catapulting cynic concepts via lucid lies
Crashing comber of metaphors--I like comber and this feels like your strongest line of S2. I wonder since you go with "Like" below if similes might be a better choice.

Like

Leaning Towers of a distraught mind--distraught is more tell than show and hurts the image.
And--outside of like which is a good one word transition "And" cannot hold the line
Her meteors showering saline cries
Her conjuring soul seeping through holes a normal person wouldn’t find--Condense here

If you told her you loved her
She’d only wait for the next lie
This is a woman who’s done all, seen all
Who waits on an infinite line--I think this line is also interesting.

Waiting for reproof
A reassuring shrine
That she too will lead a generation through the tracks of the tears she cried
Tracks of the tears and done all, seen all are both a bit overused. I think you could do better.

I do think there is some good stuff here. I want to be careful not to impose a style on your poem, but I hope the comments will be helpful to reflect upon.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#3
^I agree. Was firstly wondering why Footsteps Echo was capitalised, though maybe I'm missing something obvious? Tongue Last line of S3 and S5 could both perhaps be made into two - this could aid in keeping up momentum. A positive is that it doesn't come across as too contrived, but there's always room for improvement Smile
Reply
#4
(01-04-2014, 12:30 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hello Acasia, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you (both inline and overall):

(01-03-2014, 10:19 PM)AcasiaMotley Wrote:  It’s so easy to hear her cries bellowing from the sheets--would beneath be better than from?
Her Footsteps Echo through the halls--The capitalization doesn't seem to add much for me
Her mouth contains words her lips will never speak
Her heart only feels verbs--This is an interesting line.

My first impression of S1 is that you use her a lot. It would be better if you could find a way to remove some of the pronouns. The content would improve if the repetitiveness were removed (in my opinion). I also wonder if your title is helping you much. If the title for instance was "Her" or some variation that would allow you to mix up the structure a bit. Just a thought.

Her posture regal
Capitalist
Catapulting cynic concepts via lucid lies
Crashing comber of metaphors--I like comber and this feels like your strongest line of S2. I wonder since you go with "Like" below if similes might be a better choice.

Like

Leaning Towers of a distraught mind--distraught is more tell than show and hurts the image.
And--outside of like which is a good one word transition "And" cannot hold the line
Her meteors showering saline cries
Her conjuring soul seeping through holes a normal person wouldn’t find--Condense here

If you told her you loved her
She’d only wait for the next lie
This is a woman who’s done all, seen all
Who waits on an infinite line--I think this line is also interesting.

Waiting for reproof
A reassuring shrine
That she too will lead a generation through the tracks of the tears she cried

Tracks of the tears and done all, seen all are both a bit overused. I think you could do better.

I do think there is some good stuff here. I want to be careful not to impose a style on your poem, but I hope the comments will be helpful to reflect upon.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to implement some of your adviceSmile. The capital letters were actually a typo. I was typing fast and looked past it when I proof read and i too thought the title was a bit bland or not powerful enough i just didn't know what to lean with. As far as "crashing comber of metaphors" I wrote "like" afterward to introduce the metaphors that will follow. I don't see what i wrote as a simile. Is my idea of a metaphor wrong? Huh

What would you suggest besides distraught, i know the image I'm trying to paint but I don't know what direction i should go. I also don't see how it damages the image but I'm eager to know how.
Reply
#5
(01-04-2014, 02:24 PM)AcasiaMotley Wrote:  Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to implement some of your adviceSmile. The capital letters were actually a typo. I was typing fast and looked past it when I proof read and i too thought the title was a bit bland or not powerful enough i just didn't know what to lean with. As far as "crashing comber of metaphors" I wrote "like" afterward to introduce the metaphors that will follow. I don't see what i wrote as a simile. Is my idea of a metaphor wrong? Huh

What would you suggest besides distraught, i know the image I'm trying to paint but I don't know what direction i should go. I also don't see how it damages the image but I'm eager to know how.
I keyed on like because like or as is usually a lead in for a simile. I'm not saying you'd written similes but you could play on the structure you've created and do just that. That said you could also simply cut like. I'm not sure if that answered the question fully.

Distraught: I don't immediately have an replacement. Let me rephrase your line into an obvious metaphor:

Her mind is a Leaning Tower

That is essentially what you are getting at the syntax is being adjusted to accommodate a rhyme.

There is nothing in the image to suggest that the mind would be necessarily distraught. It is a little too open ended. Nervous breakdown could be possible. She could be wavering between choices. So what you've done is essentially this:

Her distraught mind is a leaning tower.

That adjective is telling because it doesn't lead logically from the image.

So we're going for upset and agitated in distraught. You could possibly get upset in some aspect though it strikes me as more wavering decision with the image. What you can't get is agitation. What that likely means is the image isn't quite the right one, and will require some thought.

This isn't what I'd necessarily use in the poem but a distraught image in my mind (that also might include anger) would be striking a bee hive with a stick. Again, I'm not saying that's what you should use, but I hope it makes sense.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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