Freedom

[ruagun]

Bound not by shackles of this world
But of sacrifices by martyrs
A right many have lost
A gift some were given
To walk among the sunset
To live the dreams of this world
dare desire to silent my dreams
I too shall become a marthyr


Poem
by Ruagun

[rowens]

Bound not by shackles of this world

That's one of those automatic first lines.


But of sacrifices by martyrs

A too natural second line. Natural, but flat and a little clumsy.


A right many have lost
A gift some were given

More flat train of thought.


To walk among the sunset
To live the dreams of this world

It gets more flat as it goes. Walking among the sunset probably isn't saying more than it seems to be.


dare desire to silent my dreams
I too shall become a marthyr

[Clandestine]

I know there's not a whole lot of substance to this comment, but whatevs. It feels like there's something there underneath it all. It wants to come out, but the wording just isn't quite right. I'm not going to try to rewrite it or anything, but I think further review would do this justice. I feel that some punctuation is in order as well. You should try to really drive home the significance of a martyr some other way than just a couple general statements that are "flat" as rowens pointed out.

[Mungo man]

Bound not by shackles of this world What is not shackled? This is a very vague opener to a very vague poem. Not a bad concept though.. With some time and effort I think you could write something great that has the same general idea.

But of sacrifices by martyrs You might want to say 'by the sacrifices of martyrs', because as it stands it is slightly confusing and it doesn't flow too well.

A right many have lost What right is that? If you're referencing the sacrifice as a martyr thing. then how does one lose that right?

A gift some were given

To walk among the sunset

To live the dreams of this world

dare desire to silent my dreams - Silence? It feels like you need something to introduce this line. It seems to just kind of... Pop up on one, with no real explanation. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose either. You could fix it, I'm sure.

I too shall become a marthyr I feel like this is supposed to be martyr. This is a relatively weak finale, but it fits the rest of your poem. Try to spice things up a bit, experiment a little, throw some stuff in here or there in your poem and see where it leads.
I must concur, it seems a little flat.






I like what you were going for, I think, but only time will tell. Best of luck, and I'd love to read any revisions that you do.

[Paul1004]

Hello there, I found this poem somewhat difficult. Difficult to find its' rhythm. And as a result fairly unengaging, save one line. Assuming 'silence' was intended, I found "dare desire to silence my dream" haunting. I lingered in thought for some time over that line. That alone was worth the price of admission.

[tigrflye]

Bound not by shackles of this world
But of sacrifices by martyrs
I wish there was a Subject. Or punctuation. Bound not by shackles? Ok. Im assuming you are bound by something. What is it? "Of sacrifices by martyrs" what? Maybe " Because of sacrifices by martyrs"
A right many have lost misplaced? What rights? Maybe those rights were taken. Forcefully! Hence the need for martyrs
A gift some were given
To walk among the sunset
To live the dreams of this world
dare desire to silent my dreams the only line that doesn't start capitalized. ? Silence?
I too shall become a martyr meh


Poem
by Ruagun

"Bound" bothers me. We have freedom because a select few were willing to sacrifice. Because some people dream to walk in the sunset and that shouldn't be lost. You want to be a martyr too.
That is what I take from this. If that was your intention, done. I think it could be more powerful - who can't walk among the sunset? Why? Tell me why it is important for you to sacrifice for this right.
just thoughts,
Jenn