Living in Time

[71degrees]

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink

[HalfOpenArms]

A nice, if cynical, sentiment. Very enjoyable simile in S2. "He tells her loving her" threw me at first, and it distracted from the reading. "He tells her that loving her" is more readily understandable.

One question: what do you have against periods?

All in all, quite a nice piece. I enjoyed it.

[71degrees]

"(that) loving her" is a noun clause...the relative pronoun is not usually needed, but when I get to the point of reading it at a poetry reading, I'll try it. Thanks.

The poem is cynical. Thanks, again. Inspired by another poem here at this forum. Kind of a response, I guess. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

One answer: I don't mind the Mona Lisa without eyebrows Poetry this short doesn't need end marks. All prose poetry "should" have end marks. Free verse...no. There's no reason for it.

[Nihil Loc]

I like this poem because it is clean and clear. There is no grasping rumination about the meaning, the context, the reference, the intent. It presents itself unencumbered. I'm not looking through a glass darkly.

[71degrees]

I like this poem because it is clean and clear. There is no grasping rumination about the meaning, the context, the reference, the intent. It presents itself unencumbered. I'm not looking through a glass darkly.

Thanks. I appreciate your comments very much.

[bena]

I love this one. Wonder what poem it was inspired by, though. This is richly dark. I adore the underbelly of life.

the scant punctuation doesn't bother me at all....especially in a short poem where line breaks can work as the end of a thought.


mel.

[71degrees]

bena: your poem "Fallout" got me thinking. Thank you. Was informed this morning a version of this poem was accepted for a February Zine' publication No $ but world wide recognition is at hand.

[bena]

Well that is awesome!!! Congratulations. Most publications don't pay (or if they do, they don't pay well) so no worries, it is all about getting your name out there.

Glad I was your inspiration.

[cheyrn]

Nihil someone said what I was going to say. I like that it has simple (like precise) symbolism and reads like a poem and doesn't rhyme but isn't emphasizing that.

I am very biased by content, and I like the content of the poem. I also have an unfair dislike of certain forms of poetry, and this doesn't use those forms.

I am also a total novice.

[71degrees]

Nihil someone said what I was going to say. I like that it has simple (like precise) symbolism and reads like a poem and doesn't rhyme but isn't emphasizing that.

I am very biased by content, and I like the content of the poem. I also have an unfair dislike of certain forms of poetry, and this doesn't use those forms.

I am also a total novice.

I believe in rhythm but not necessarily rhyme. I believe in poetical form that takes the shape that the writer imagines. Thank you for your comments.

Every poet and/or writer is a "novice" at some point in their lives. Thank you for your encouraging comments.

[billy]

if you use punctuation use it or don't use it. you use commas but not periods

i found the read okay with just a few nits. not sure the title adds anything but i got an impression from the poem of living in a rut and just accepting things for what they were. that it was easier to be together than it was to be apart.
thanks for the read.

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her is [her] needed as no one else is mentioned apart from the two of them?
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her again, is [her] needed
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry sounds like a fart...a suggestion would be another kind of fruit. maybe strawberry or such, of course it could just be my gutter of a mind
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another no need for [instead]
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink for me [ they put them
to their lips] doesn't add anything, and sort of take from the closure of wine pouring which is symbolic enough on its own. (to drink on it)

[71degrees]

if you use punctuation use it or don't use it. you use commas but not periods

i found the read okay with just a few nits. not sure the title adds anything but i got an impression from the poem of living in a rut and just accepting things for what they were. that it was easier to be together than it was to be apart.
thanks for the read.

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her is [her] needed as no one else is mentioned apart from the two of them?
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her again, is [her] needed
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry sounds like a fart...a suggestion would be another kind of fruit. maybe strawberry or such, of course it could just be my gutter of a mind
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another no need for [instead]
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink for me [ they put them
to their lips] doesn't add anything, and sort of take from the closure of wine pouring which is symbolic enough on its own. (to drink on it)

I agree about the title. I rarely use the title I intend to use for the final draft. Not sure about fart vs raspberry. I'll chalk that up to your reason. Thanks for your nits.

---

Banana. Banana. Banana.

No. No. No.

---

This is my first critique, and I probably suck but here goes:

Very nice poem. Execution was very good, like some said the poem is very clear and concise. I was slightly thrown by the he-him-her-she referencing in the second stanza the first time around, but I don't think it's a problem really.

Suggestion: Cut the "Instead" at the beginning of the last stanza. It's not very clear (to me) what it refers to.

Irrelevant side note:
The "raspberry" part actually made me cringe, not because it was bad but, um, agreeably unpleasant. For some reason I imagined it in an "ugly" way (like 'up-close video/audio of an old person chewing food'-style realism).

Love and other nice things,

David

You don't suck, David. I appreciate you even sticking your nose in here to tell me Love and other nice things. I go back-and-forth about "instead"….to me it's the most important word in the poem. But instead, people pooh, pooh it

[Blake]

A nice, if cynical, sentiment. Very enjoyable simile in S2. "He tells her loving her" threw me at first, and it distracted from the reading. "He tells her that loving her" is more readily understandable.

I agree with what is said here. If you dont want to sacrifice syllables might I suggest changing:

He tells her loving her
should be as simple

to:

He says that loving her
should be as simple

[ThePinsir]

I think it should end with a period. Besides that, I might try reducing the third stanza to 3 lines just to fit the format of the rest of the poem.

I really liked your message.

Thanks for the read!

[Blake]

I think it should end with a period. Besides that, I might try reducing the third stanza to 3 lines just to fit the format of the rest of the poem.

I really liked your message.

Thanks for the read!

I cant believe I didnt notice that. I agree, the 4-line stanza feels out of place now that I notice it.

[71degrees]

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink

Thanks for ALL the different comments, etc. here. A version of this poem (under a different title) was accepted so I'm going to stick w/what was taken. Most poems I post here are rejected at least once. If (think confidently...when) they are taken, that's enough. Again, thanks.

[clemonz]

"neither understands"

hello, i'm a n00b but would consider "understanding" rather than understands. the latter shifts the focus away from the scene slightly more, which i think it unnecessary here, it over-complicates the poem for me.

[EdwardStone]

He tells her loving her
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry
into his mouth

If loving her isn't that simple, than their relationship isn't perfect. Of course, if this is a happy ending than I guess that means she requires a certain unique love for the type of person she is. Confusing but that does make it a more intriguing poem.

[mahlbeck]

As she brushes her hair,
she asks him to tell her
a story with a happy ending

He tells her loving her
should be as simple
as putting a raspberry
into his mouth

They both smile; in reality,
neither understands what either
is all about

Instead, he pours them each another
glass of white wine; they put them
to their lips and drink

Being able to say things and portray ideas that escape standard discourse by finding a way to be encapsulate them in vagueness and undefined interpretation, thats poetry, and I see that in this.
I like the shortness of the poem, it brings about a certain effect. It connected with me in relation to a women I was recently with. I drew many parallels.
I am still trying to put my finger on exactly what elicits my minds decision to connect this poem to my previous lover.
Good work. My only criticism is that I prefer longer poems, but than again its more of a preference than a criticism.

[Zainabk]

Hi,

It's my first time posting and I'm a newbie at poetry so take it with as many grains of salt as you think you should but here goes. I usually write in bullet points due to my undiagnosed ADD.

1. I liked the poem. It kept me engaged the whole way through. It flowed smoothly.

2. The her is redundant. There are only two characters in this poem.

3. I enjoyed the third stanza a lot.

4. Pick another food item. I too thought of something else. Putting a raspberry in your mouth doesn't have to be easy.

5. I would have a period at the end. It gives the poem a sense of finality.

Good luck!