Defiant Articles (edit 1)

[tomoffing]

Edit below.

Addressed your article issues Dale, thanks.
And I've reworked the last stanza in an effort to scrap the preachiness (cloudy, Ella)

Any thoughts appreciated and thanks again. t

Defiant Articles (edit 1)

I am not a brick.
I am firmly pressed palm
of grizzled steady mason's hand.
Three taps of trowel. Click-click-click.
I am not a brick.

I am not mortar.
I'm a finely crafted mixture
that becomes a permanent fixture.
Sand, lime, time, splash of water.
I am not mortar.

I am not a lock.
I'm a home protected with
safety mechanism of a smith.
Have you not a key! Knock knock knock.
I am not a lock.

I am not a chair.
I'm a pensioner relieved
by a wicker worker's weave.
Rock rock rock. Numb knees spared.
I am not a chair.

I am not a table.
I am urgent family meeting
and stranger's seat of greeting.
Salt and pepper siblings, here sat Cain and Abel.
I am not a table.

I am not a knife.
I am keen surgeon's scalpel
and toddler's well peeled apple.
Wielded life and death. Slice slice slice.
I am not a knife.

We are not our names.
Masons, weavers, surgeons, mothers,
builders, strangers, smiths and brothers
are the human white space of still life's frame.
Please don't forget these not our names.

Original

Defiant Articles

I am not a brick.
I am firmly pressed palm
of grizzled steady mason's hand.
Three taps of trowel. Click-click-click.
I am not a brick.

I am not mortar.
I am finely crafted mixture
that becomes a permanent fixture.
Sand, lime, time, splash of water.
I am not mortar.

I am not a lock.
I'm a home protected with
safety mechanism of a smith.
Have you not a key! Knock knock knock.
I am not a lock.

I am not a chair.
I am pensioner relieved
by a wicker worker's weave.
Rock rock rock. Numb knees spared.
I am not a chair.

I am not a table.
I am urgent family meeting
and strangers seat of greeting.
Salt and pepper siblings, here sat Cain and Abel.
I am not a table.

I am not a knife.
I am keen surgeon's scalpel
and toddler's well peeled apple.
Wielded life and death. Slice slice slice.
I am not a knife.

We are not our names.
We are future pains dissolved
by today's simple challenge solved,
building step by step by step civilization's frame.
Do not forget our names.

[ellajam]

Hi, tomoffing, first read but I love it. It's the first poem I've seen in a while where I feel center justified is justified.

The structure is firm and sure. The missed rhyme in S1 made the rhyme sneak up on me. I like that.

The only thing I am unsure about is the switch to we. This manages to be a very specific but universal poem, the switch brought a bit of preach into it for me. Have you tried it with "I" straight through?

Thanks so much for the read, I'll be back again.

[Erthona]

A couple of articles appear to be missing in stanza 2

Does palm and hand rhyme from where you are from, or was that just a Freudian slip

Those things aside, a very concise poem.

Dale

[justcloudy]

Hi tom

I had a similar reaction to ella's, but for me it's the entire last stanza that seems preachy. The rest is sort of light and clever but poignant, and the end just feels like it's dragging the whole thing down into pseudo-philosophy. I think you could scrap the whole thing. Just my opinion of course.

And I have to say I was a bit disappointed upon reading it and realizing the title was NOT a clever word play about definite articles. ;p Maybe you could change "articles" to "objects" or something like that. I really was expecting a poem about grammar, hehehe. But of course that's not super important.

As a whole though I thought it was a very interesting point of view, and the rhyme scheme caught my attention and was we executed. I'm with ella-- it didn't bother me that the first stanza didn't follow the scheme.

Thanks for sharing!

-justcloudy

[tomoffing]

Thanks all,

I'm uncomfortable with the final stanza too. I want the collective voice of the objects (or the people behind them if you will) but definitely not the preachy aspect.

An earlier edit closes with the same refrain,

"We are not our names"

Any thoughts on whether that would lighten it Cloudy?

Noted on the articles Erthona, I've been fighting with the rhythm in that stanza so I'll work on getting it fixed overall.

Thanks all, t

[justcloudy]

Yes I think what you suggested would help, though I do think that final bit you have could work depending on what comes before. Why shouldn't we forget the names?

Also, imo "building step by step by step civilization's frame" is the preachiest part. If you replaced that line it might solve the problem.