12-15-2013, 05:55 AM
Noticed the use of form here - it's very sweet. The rhythm is nice. It's strange that you'd pick iambic tetrameter, though, for this poem, which is so violent. It's bouncy. I'm expecting a joke by the fourth line of each verse, not 'never pity my abject soul.' I wonder if you chose it intentionally, as a juxtaposition - regardless, I do not really feel it works.
The poem would benefit from clarity exponentially. It's very vague. If it wasn't for the title I would have thought this was a poem about a rapist or something like that. It'd have taken me all the way to wolfsbane and hemlock to get any clue that this was about a wolfman if it wasn't for the title.
To me, really, the poem really comes into its own in stanza 4. The first three stanzas are too vague to really mean anything or be very threatening. You seem to have been preoccupied trying to come up with poetic ways to say 'I am a werewolf'. At stanza 4, though, it lights up; I have never seen lycanthropy treated in this way before, which is good. 'Come unto me with poisons and narcotics!' - it's a very interesting angle. My advice is start there. That's a strong start and it keeps that strength up until the end. A tortured old werewolf saying: get me drunk and kill me.
View the original thread here
Quote:I dread the romance of midnight really nice opening
and your poet's false harvest moon, but, I don't understand what this means
which steers the tides and lights your way,
whilst invading my sickened cells. a little awkward and unclear - the first stanza could be much stronger. I'd suggest replacing this line for a phrase which makes the 'I am a werewolf' thing a lot more obvious
In fits of hydrophobia,
rabid thoughts usurp my senses.
What inspires the hearts of lovers,
vexes my despicable core. despicable isn't really in meter as I can read it? Maybe 'my horrid old core', or something (though that has an out-of-place masculine ending)
My lust is more like contagion;
in your terror, my hunger grows.
Grins transform into grimaces
when my shadow’s cast on all fours.vague - could be made more clear. I'm guessing the poet is about to bed me, and then turns into a wolf, to my horror? The last two lines here could easily be switched out for something more concrete. This isn't the time to be subtle with poet games, here, go hard - as in, rather flirting with it 'my shadow's cast on all fours', say, 'I'm a wolf' outright - show me the money!
My resources have been exhausted
on a cure for this malady;
please deliver me kegs of rum
and narcotics to blunt my ire. there's a major transformation in subject matter with this verse, and I really like it. The poem is strongest here
Go crush the mandrake into paste;'into' disrupts the rhythm - it'd be much better written simply as 'to' - 'Go crush the mandrake to paste'
prepare a bitter wolfs-bane draft.
Maintain resolve and don't waver;
never pity my abject soul.waver/never is very nice here
Gather up Nightshade and Hemlock
to brew a lethal cup of tea.slow and slithery wording here, vowel-heavy; gorgeous!
I welcome your silver bullets;
take aim, lest I disembowel you.switching from 'do this to me' to 'I will do this to you' is too sudden here, for me, it's too out-of-sync; something like 'take aim, and [whatever I'd do]' instead; this threat doesn't really add anything
Ignore the human before you;
beware of the beast deep within.effective
Better run and hide your daughters;
I once had a little girl too.Sort of jarring - get me stoned, kill me, and then run and hide your girls? It's a sinister ending but quite out of place.
The poem would benefit from clarity exponentially. It's very vague. If it wasn't for the title I would have thought this was a poem about a rapist or something like that. It'd have taken me all the way to wolfsbane and hemlock to get any clue that this was about a wolfman if it wasn't for the title.
To me, really, the poem really comes into its own in stanza 4. The first three stanzas are too vague to really mean anything or be very threatening. You seem to have been preoccupied trying to come up with poetic ways to say 'I am a werewolf'. At stanza 4, though, it lights up; I have never seen lycanthropy treated in this way before, which is good. 'Come unto me with poisons and narcotics!' - it's a very interesting angle. My advice is start there. That's a strong start and it keeps that strength up until the end. A tortured old werewolf saying: get me drunk and kill me.
View the original thread here
It could be worse
