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Edit 1: more danger in S2? (Todd)
I love riding
the fast train,
eyes closed:
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.
Even better,
on the platform,
right on the edge,
close your eyes -
wait -
all Creation
crashing by!
Original:
I love riding
the fast train:
eyes closed,
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.
Even better,
to the tracks, closer
than you should -
all Creation
crashing by!
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Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Jan,
It's a relatively short poem; so, I don't have a lot of comments for you.
Here goes: The title is great giving it a sense of moment is an inspired choice.
What's also a nice choice is the short lines. They also give the sense of movement. It would have been easy (and incorrect in my opinion) to make your first line: "I love riding the fast train" because it would have felt slow.
Neil Armstong on a horse also works. It gives the sense of blasting off, and feels a bit anachronistic (which I like).
Once we get to S2, I lose a bit of momentum. "to the tracks" feels a bit off to me, and closer than you should also doesn't really convey well to me. It could just be my read, but I get no sense of tension or danger, and I feel that's what you want. The last two lines I like a lot, and feel they aren't the issue here.
I'm not sure if any of that helps, but that was my initial read.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Hello Todd,
Thanks a lot for your feedback! I agree with your criticism, and I'll work on it in the next draft. 
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I like this! When reading it aloud the line "right on the edge" doesn't flow well for me. Maybe just "on the edge"? or "at the edge"? Somehow I'm thinking three syllables would be preferable to four. Thanks ~
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Yes, fantastic edit. I love the danger in S2 now.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Thanks again for the suggestion, Todd! I have a feeling I will use this poem as a basis for another poem in the future; I like the playfulness of the poem as it is, but for me it doesn't have a real emotional core yet. But it's a start, I guess. 
(11-12-2013, 02:10 AM)Todd Wrote: Yes, fantastic edit. I love the danger in S2 now.
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No, it doesn't have an emotional core, but fun read still isn't a bad place to build from.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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That's true; my poems often start out a bit empty or childlike, with big images or word-games as 'placeholders' for emotion. After that I usually think a long time about the emotional implications of the images (in this case, what interests me is that people sometimes consciously put themselves in danger for an extreme (sonic) experience). This can take weeks or months even, and then I usually rewrite the whole thing - often there's hardly a trace left of the original poem.
This is probably more a subject for Poetry Discussion, but I'm curious if anyone recognizes this writing process?
(11-12-2013, 07:33 AM)Todd Wrote: No, it doesn't have an emotional core, but fun read still isn't a bad place to build from.
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Yeah, that wouldn't be a bad discussion to put in the forums on how the creative process works.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(11-11-2013, 08:25 PM)jdvanwijk Wrote: Edit 1: more danger in S2? (Todd)
I love riding
the fast train,
eyes closed:
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.
Even better,
on the platform,
right on the edge,
close your eyes -
wait -
all Creation
crashing by!
Original:
I love riding
the fast train:
eyes closed,
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.
Even better,
to the tracks, closer
than you should -
all Creation
crashing by!
Excellent edit! I like the whole concept of this and you chose a title which could only add to the piece.
Short lines work well here. They are construct which leads to breathless prose!
This is terse-verse and it is therefore difficult to offer up huge and lengthy improvement. If I had to, though, I would suggest trying to develop a meter based upon stanza rather than line. This is not a new idea. If you write out each stanza as free-text then by tweaking, give it a rhythm based upon meter, you should then be able to re-lineate back to the original short-line form...without losing the internal pulse.
Or leave it alone
Best,
tectak
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Hello Tom, thanks for the advice! I would like to experiment with that; I normally approach meter rather instinctively, so I think I could learn a lot by trying to be more deliberate about it. Do you mean that the whole poem is then governed by one meter? Or each stanza by a different meter?
All best,
Jan
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(11-12-2013, 11:52 PM)jdvanwijk Wrote: Hello Tom, thanks for the advice! I would like to experiment with that; I normally approach meter rather instinctively, so I think I could learn a lot by trying to be more deliberate about it. Do you mean that the whole poem is then governed by one meter? Or each stanza by a different meter?
All best,
Jan
Your poem; but once you start to meter mix you could be accused of inconsistency...so meter stays throughout the poem. It is not difficult and can be very satisfying.
Best,
Tom
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Hello, this is an interesting piece. The name caught my eye, and I like how the first two lines are about going fast. Maybe you can go faster than a train? The "eyes closed" part I like. I can imagine closing my eyes, and feeling the speed. I didn't really get the Neil Armstrong on a horse thing though. He flew to the moon in a rocket! The second stanza starts off as if it's going to be a platform off of a looong drop, but it repeats the eye closing, then makes you wait. I like how you end it with a bang though.
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