Titleless

[Pigler]

Wrote this in about 20 minutes and it came out better than I expected... No title for it.

It feels like a while back
that I didn't even know her name
yet the burden stacks and stacks
and I still feel all the same

I own the regret and hope
however, without the joy
now I'm on sorrow's scope
and it's using me like a toy

Back and forth, left and right
that's how it feels
every morning, every night
my mind obediently kneels

Kneels to whom, you wonder?
To the pesty little peck
that scares me and makes me ponder
from knee, to chest, to neck

The pesty thing, it's called regret
and it holds me in its clutch
not letting me let go, forget
I hardly feel like much

I say with a word sincere
and an utmost lonely mind
I imagine she's right here
and my sorrows this night unwind

[billy]

you should have spent an hour on it and made it three times better :J:
you have some god line that use an image and some no so good lines that are too drawn out and wordy.

i've probably spent as much time reading it and commenting as you have writing it, some how that doesn't seem fair

Wrote this in about 20 minutes and it came out better than I expected... No title for it.

It feels like a while back does it feel or is it fact? if it's fact
[a while back i didn't know her name. ]
that I didn't even know her name
yet the burden stacks and stacks a good enough image
and I still feel all the same the opening stanza needs something more than the voice, show us something solid

I own the regret and hope
however, without the joy
now I'm on sorrow's scope
and it's using me like a toy

Back and forth, left and right
that's how it feels
every morning, every night
my mind obediently kneels another good image

Kneels to whom, you wonder?
To the pesty little peck
that scares me and makes me ponder
from knee, to chest, to neck

The pesty thing, it's called regret two words that have already been used
and it holds me in its clutch
not letting me let go, forget
I hardly feel like much

I say with a word sincere
and an utmost lonely mind
I imagine she's right here
and my sorrows this night unwind [tonight my sorrows unwind] try not to reverse a phrase in order to make it fit the line.

[Pigler]

you should have spent an hour on it and made it three times better :J:
you have some god line that use an image and some no so good lines that are too drawn out and wordy.

i've probably spent as much time reading it and commenting as you have writing it, some how that doesn't seem fair

Wrote this in about 20 minutes and it came out better than I expected... No title for it.

It feels like a while back does it feel or is it fact? if it's fact
[a while back i didn't know her name. ]
that I didn't even know her name
yet the burden stacks and stacks a good enough image
and I still feel all the same the opening stanza needs something more than the voice, show us something solid

I own the regret and hope
however, without the joy
now I'm on sorrow's scope
and it's using me like a toy

Back and forth, left and right
that's how it feels
every morning, every night
my mind obediently kneels another good image

Kneels to whom, you wonder?
To the pesty little peck
that scares me and makes me ponder
from knee, to chest, to neck

The pesty thing, it's called regret two words that have already been used
and it holds me in its clutch
not letting me let go, forget
I hardly feel like much

I say with a word sincere
and an utmost lonely mind
I imagine she's right here
and my sorrows this night unwind [tonight my sorrows unwind] try not to reverse a phrase in order to make it fit the line.

Thank you for the reply!

1 - Well, it is a while back yet it feels longer, so not sure if I worded it correctly.

2 - Not sure what you mean by more than the voice, I do agree it might be a bit too weak, though.

3 - Indeed, I'll replace the word ''pesty'' with a synonym. Which is the other one? :o

4 - Makes sense. So as a general rule, rephrasing is bad? Or just in this case?

[billy]

i just got fucked over by my fellow mods for the a good enough image lines. ...and rightly so, i should have said why i thought it a good image.

you should have spent an hour on it and made it three times better :J:
you have some god line that use an image and some no so good lines that are too drawn out and wordy.

i've probably spent as much time reading it and commenting as you have writing it, some how that doesn't seem fair

Wrote this in about 20 minutes and it came out better than I expected... No title for it.

It feels like a while back does it feel or is it fact? if it's fact
[a while back i didn't know her name. ]
that I didn't even know her name
yet the burden stacks and stacks a good enough image, in it i see the straw that broke a camels back,
and I still feel all the same the opening stanza needs something more than the voice, show us something solid

I own the regret and hope
however, without the joy
now I'm on sorrow's scope
and it's using me like a toy

Back and forth, left and right
that's how it feels
every morning, every night
my mind obediently kneels another good image, as a catholic perhaps i see something that not there, it's also a good image of someone being under the thumb of someone else, bewitched even.

Kneels to whom, you wonder?
To the pesty little peck
that scares me and makes me ponder
from knee, to chest, to neck

The pesty thing, it's called regret two words that have already been used
and it holds me in its clutch
not letting me let go, forget
I hardly feel like much

I say with a word sincere
and an utmost lonely mind
I imagine she's right here
and my sorrows this night unwind [tonight my sorrows unwind] try not to reverse a phrase in order to make it fit the line.

[milo]

i got a title for you, Time wasted.

This is not considered adequate for the mild forum. Please read the forum rules and work on your critique skills.