Danger Men at Work

[tigrflye]

Edit 2

I ran in slow motion past
the emptied ambulance
into a room of unanswered prayers
clinging to the thick burgundy
carpet, Bibles, and tissue boxes.
In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high-pitched laughter.
Her relief blistered my skin.

I only wanted to stay
indefinitely in your sterile room,
but a doctor arrived to break me
with practiced sympathy.
Your shrouded body
hiding a gaping hole
the surgeon made, trying
to massage your heart back to life.

I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver
and memorized the love-lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said with a hollow chest
no sheet could conceal

Edit:
I ran in slow motion past
the empty ambulance
into a room full of unanswered prayers
clinging to the thick burgundy
carpet, bibles, and tissue boxes.
In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high pitched laughter.
Her relief blistered my skin.

I would have waited for you
indefinitely in that sterile room,
but a doctor arrived to assault me
with practiced sympathy.
Your shrouded body
hiding a gaping hole
the surgeon made trying
to massage your heart back to life.

No sheet could conceal
the dark void in my chest
as I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver
and memorized the love lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said to the second father
that left me in this lifetime.

Original-
-special thanks to Todd for helping me with free verse-
(for Greg)

I ran in slow motion past
the empty ambulance
into a room full of unanswered prayers.
They were clinging to the thick burgundy
carpet, bibles, and tissue boxes.
In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high pitched laughter.
Her relief was a hot poker in my chest.

I would have waited for you
indefinitely in that sterile room,
but a doctor arrived to assault me
with practiced empathy.
He robbed me of any reason
to hopefully wait.

Your body was shrouded
to hide a gaping hole
the surgeon made
trying to massage your heart back to life.

No sheet could conceal
the dark void in my chest
as I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver
and memorized the love lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said to the second father
that left me in this lifetime.

[tectak]

-special thanks to Todd for helping me with free verse-

(for Greg)

I ran in slow motion past
the empty ambulance
into a room full of unanswered prayers.
They were clinging to the thick burgundy "They" is too close to "prayers" and so detracts from meaning
carpet, bibles, and tissue boxes.
In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high pitched laughter.
Her relief was a hot poker in my chest. Perhaps a genre cliche here. You are better than this

I would have waited for you
indefinitely in that sterile room,
but a doctor arrived to assault me
with practiced empathy. Nicely described cameo though not sure about the use of empathy...sympathy? specially considering next line
He robbed me of any reason
to hopefully wait. A mugger and thief...hmmm. Again, just missing the bull's eye of veracity. Did you then wait WITHOUT hope?
Your body was shrouded
to hide a gaping hole
the surgeon made
trying to massage your heart back to life. the line lengths makes this lack rhythm at a moot moment but it is not deliberate and so seems incompetent...please take this with emphasis on "seems"

No sheet could conceal
the dark void in my chest
as I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver
and memorized the love lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said to the second father
that left me in this lifetime. Poignant over purpose and so shielded from any hurtfully honest crit. Relatable to by many and I know you are not writing gratuitously. Enough said.

Hi tigr,
This is not a "like" poem. That is bleedin' obvious and I apologise for the fact before favour. The piece, like many in this genre, is barely crittable because no matter how written it will cry its own tears and no comforting words will stop the flow.
Best,
tectak

[tigrflye]

Tectak,

Thanks - I debated over sympathy/empathy. You solved that.

 "Did you then wait WITHOUT hope? " - mmm yes

Trying to massage your heart back to life - maybe break on massage would help?

I appreciate the crit. I know it isn't a "like" poem. It is a story I wanted to tell and I haven't really written free verse so I am very thankful for the help.
-Jenn

[Todd]

Void is such an overused "poetic" word, what about cavity?

I really like the edit though. The small changes you've made are very effective.

Best,

Todd

[tigrflye]

Todd,
I really hate that "void" is overused because it really feels right. Void feels mental. Cavity feels physical. Also, there are cavities in the body naturally. Abdominal cavity/ Chest cavity - where "void" suggests something is missing. I also tried "Pit" but that feels more like stomach.
Thank you - Jenn

[ellajam]

Todd,
I really hate that "void" is overused because it really feels right. Void feels mental. Cavity feels physical. Also, there are cavities in the body naturally. Abdominal cavity/ Chest cavity - where "void" suggests something is missing. I also tried "Pit" but that feels more like stomach.
Thank you - Jenn

Abyss? Canyon?

[Todd]

Hollow

[tigrflye]

Ellajam- thank you!
I like Canyon.
Possibly without "dark".

---

No kidding, Todd.. I've been chewing on "Hollow" most of the day.

[milo]

Edit
(Todd, tectak)

I ran in slow motion past
the empty ambulance

Why the break on "past"?
I think "empty" is superfluous.

into a room full of unanswered prayers

There is probably no way to convince you that "room full of unanswered prayers" is a "dim land of peace" situation but I think you could at least shave "full"

clinging to the thick burgundy
carpet, bibles, and tissue boxes.

why the break on "burgundy"?

In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high pitched laughter.
Her relief blistered my skin.

the last line here is too hyperbolic. Something else that is odd here as well, but it is tough to put my finger on. I suppose laughter and relief aren't properly tied together. It also feels too much like flat prose. Many of these word choices should be pointing toward your metaphor but hey are not so they should probably be re-thought: burgundy, hallway, high pitched (high-pitched btw), they are flat description.

I would have waited for you

again, i am perplexed by the break on "you"

indefinitely in that sterile room,

when did you get to a sterile room? I assume we are in a different room (no carpets in sterile rooms) but we need some kind of transition for you to use "that"

but a doctor arrived to assault me
with practiced sympathy.

"assault" tells too much.

Your shrouded body
hiding a gaping hole

is the body hiding the hole or the shroud? You wrote it as if the body was hiding the hole. Also, "gaping hole" is cliche.

the surgeon made trying
to massage your heart back to life.

is he trying to massage the heart back to life or the person?

No sheet could conceal
the dark void in my chest

the way this is written is that someone would try to conceal a void in your chest but we can see it anyway. It just feels like inaccurate reportage to me.

as I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver
and memorized the love lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said to the second father
that left me in this lifetime.

as a reader, i never get the significance of the "second" father turn. How does this relate to the rest of the poem? It feels like a detail stuck in because it is a true story but it ends up weakening the poem as a whole.

Thanks for posting.

[crow]

Danger Men at Work

The title is about the doctor, surgeon, ambulance driver? Or about the cause if death? Or both? The read is unclear . . .

I ran in slow motion past

I'd put parentheticals around "in slow motion" to force a slower reading.

the empty ambulance

Doesn't seem superfluous to me, but perhaps "emptied" would be a better descriptor: it's more narrative and would contrast pleasantly to roomful.

into a room of unanswered prayers

Oh--I thought this was "room full," and was going to suggest "roomful," to make it mysterious if it's one person's prayers or lots of them, and, further, that "unanswered prayers" could be "prayers and their absence"

clinging to the thick burgundy

I read this as a reference to red-carpeted churches and communion. Slightly jarring, but I take it we're at a funeral now?

carpet, bibles, and tissue boxes.

Add a reference to a coffin to seat the reader in the new location? Also, if this is a funeral, capitalize "Bibles."

In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high pitched laughter.
Her relief blistered my skin.

Hyphenate "high pitched." "Heard" seems superior to "could hear." Her "relief" fits to the doctor's empathy? Blisters make skin sensitive and vulnerable , but there's no pay off. Perhaps the skin bursts or weeps later? Otherwise, "her" paired to "blister" (the thing you get from something hot, like Hell) could relate to religiosity, e.g. "bibles," to suggest a demonic presence. Is that an inversion of a guardian angel idea?

I only wanted to stay
indefinitely in your sterile room,

Seems like purgatory meets hospital? Are we scene-shifting? Also consider "I wanted only to stay". Otherwise, I think your action was leaving, as in, "I only wanted, but did not need or do."

but a doctor arrived to break me
with practiced sympathy.

Perhaps, "break me from/away/loose." And try "with clinical sympathy"? Otw, I could attribute the sympathy to the narrator.

Your shrouded body
hiding a gaping hole

Why "gaping"? Why "hiding"? Why not, "Your shrouded body hides a hole"? Or, maybe better, "Your shroud hides a hole"?

the surgeon made trying
to massage your heart back to life.

Made is weak. Try "the surgeon [some variant of 'opened']. Add a comma to "made". Why not combine the actions as "the surgeon made, to massage"?

I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver

" touched" is weak. Otw great, here. Oh, also, is there an intended ambiguity? It could be either the narrator's (or narrators'?) or the deceased's (or deceaseds'?) hair.

and memorized the love lines around your eyes.

Hyphenate "love lines," for ease of reading. You're contrasting love lines with laugh lines. Cool. But "memorizing" shares the distance attributable to the laughing woman and the empathetic doctor. Is that intentional?

"Goodbye" I said with a hollow chest

Should be, "'Goodbye,' I said" w the comma. Chest links back to boxes? Perhaps not, but it could. But now I think the deceased is speaking . . . Is there a kind if spiritual heart transplant?

no sheets could conceal

Should be "sheet," singular, in the subjunctive.

The concealing forces are manifold, not just linen. The doctor, the prayerful loved ones in the waiting room, the relieved woman.

This line implies an effort to conceal--did the doc and the crying woman teach you to conceal your heart?

Macro--this is a poem about a death. The narrator runs into a hospital and finds herself in a church, remembering the hospital, coping with it. It is also about things being present and absent--prayers, literal and figurative hearts, God, the loved one, and, mainly, comfort. It is not a poem of mourning, and so I disagree that the poem cries. There's no eulogy in it.

Good. It's about the moment you reach down for a heart that's not there anymore.
Keep the deceased away, focus on the decedent, and develop the parallels between the comforts offered--laughter, sympathy, massage, etc.--and the two exposed/shrouded hearts.

[Todd]

Edit 2

I ran in slow motion past
the emptied ambulance
into a room of unanswered prayers
clinging to the thick burgundy--The more I read this the more I want to pull carpet up to end this line
carpet, Bibles, and tissue boxes.
In the hallway, I could hear
a woman's high-pitched laughter.--The problem with I could hear is it feels too static. I need more motion, more desperation, maybe images or scenes could be presented which show an increase in hope juxtaposed with the speaker's increasing fear
Her relief blistered my skin.

I only wanted to stay--some transition on arriving in the room maybe. I may end up liking it less, but it might be worth looking at
indefinitely in your sterile room,
but a doctor arrived to break me
with practiced sympathy.
Your shrouded body
hiding a gaping hole
the surgeon made, trying
to massage your heart back to life.

I touched soft brown hair streaked with silver--You might be able to move into the hair without the "I touched"
and memorized the love-lines around your eyes.
"Goodbye" I said with a hollow chest
no sheet could conceal--The ending feels better to me.

I hope that helped some and didn't add to the confusion that multiple edits can bring.

Best,

Todd

[No1wouldriotforless]

I like your style and poem... and that I've come into viewing this poem only now, on the 2nd edit.

The structure of the last stanza has been greatly improved.

Here's my biggest problem: In the first stanza I understood the rush from ambulance, but then was lost on burgundy carpet.... more is needed here to clarify the scene. I almost thought "funeral parlor" then thought "no, church".... then I realized it should invoke more waiting room.

I was lost there, but don't have any suggestions to amend that.... other than maybe you should add a little pre-context along with the "rush"

The ending would be slightly improved by strengthening the word "touched"

I don't like the word "massaged" in this context... maybe coax? pull?

I think the last lines could use a small adjustment to fix timing.... maybe something like "Goodbye" I said with a hollow
that no sheet could conceal"

That's all I have for now! Good luck editing.

---

I think it wants for another title, too. Maybe "Love lines." ?? Corny... I don't really have another thought.

[Leptir]

undefined