An outbreak in Kansas

[Charlesjoseph]

If you live in tornado alley you quickly learn,
storm sirens are not something one should take lightly.
So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,
with enough food and water to last them about a week.
They huddled in the damp dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground perished in the wind.

At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled to mourn over rubble;
the town an atomized prairie desperate for emergency aid.

Nine months later, a miraculous boom of rainbows.

[tectak]

If you live in tornado ally, one quickly learns, No. If you live, YOU learn. If one lives, ONE learns. Don't mix.
storm sirens are not something one should take lightly, In fact, I would start again.Drop the"one" completely. It is pretentious.
So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar. See. There isn't one there's two

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,Childless? Your point is? Were they dogless? Goldfishless? What IS the connection to the subfloorboard situation. Every word MUST count for something.
with enough food and water to last them about a week,
they huddled in the damp dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground perished in the wind. You have become non-poetic. Why? No rhythm, rhyme, meter...give me something. This is just narrative.

At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled to mourn over ruble, Ah,those Russians. Anything for a buck...er...ruble. Czech before posting.
the town an atomized prairie desperate for emergency aid. dramatic overkill here

Nine months later, a miraculous boom of rainbows. Sure beats the shit out'a me. He gave her one, huh? Is that it? Needs more flesh. I have to think more than you wrote. Not good

You had only a breeze to play in. You never brewed up the storm. This is a thin effort. Sorry.
Best,
tectak




I was thinking that i may want to shape this poem like a tornado but I'd have to research the form because i've never done anything like that before. If anyone has advice on that it would be much appreciated.
Chazz

[rowens]

You have that wonderfully outlandish boom of rainbows at the end, but everything above it feels like flat reportage. The shape of a tornado won't add much.

Though it has that subtle birth and rebirth theme. And I like the whole thing the more I think about it. Despite, or really, because of the flat reporting and the boom at the end.

[ChristopherSea]

Chazz, I read this quickly and then saw your query. Shaping it is simple once you have your edits down. Using center formating only, you can sculpt your poem thusly:

If you live
in tornado ally, one quickly learns,
storm sirens are not something one should
take lightly,So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,
with enough food and water to last them
about a week,they huddled in the damp
dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground
perished in the wind.

At dawn in the cruel silence
of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an atomized
prairie desperate
for emergency aid.

Nine months later,
a miraculous
boom of
rainbows.

Cheers/Chris

[tectak]

Chazz, I read this quickly and then saw your query. Shaping it is simple once you have your edits down. Using center formating only, you can sculpt your poem thusly:

If you live
in tornado ally, one quickly learns,
storm sirens are not something one should
take lightly,So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,
with enough food and water to last them
about a week,they huddled in the damp
dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground
perished in the wind.

At dawn in the cruel silence
of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an atomized
prairie desperate
for emergency aid.

Nine months later,
a miraculous
boom of
rainbows.

Cheers/Chris

Or:

If
you live in torn
ado ally, one quickl
y learns,storm sir
ens are not something on
e should take lightly,So when the
twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in
the root cellar. Childless, beneath the floorboards of their
home,with enough food and water to last them about a week,they hudd
led in the damp dark and consoled each other, while everything above ground
perished in the wind. At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an ato
mized
prai
rie d
esp
er
ate
fo
r
em
ergen
cy aid.
Nine mo
nths later,
a miraculou
s boom of rainbows.

...or any combination thereof to no great advantage. Sheesh.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Chazz, I read this quickly and then saw your query. Shaping it is simple once you have your edits down. Using center formating only, you can sculpt your poem thusly:

If you live
in tornado ally, one quickly learns,
storm sirens are not something one should
take lightly,So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,
with enough food and water to last them
about a week,they huddled in the damp
dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground
perished in the wind.

At dawn in the cruel silence
of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an atomized
prairie desperate
for emergency aid.

Nine months later,
a miraculous
boom of
rainbows.

Cheers/Chris

Or:

If
you live in torn
ado ally, one quickl
y learns,storm sir
ens are not something on
e should take lightly,So when the
twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in
the root cellar. Childless, beneath the floorboards of their
home,with enough food and water to last them about a week,they hudd
led in the damp dark and consoled each other, while everything above ground
perished in the wind. At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an ato
mized
prai

rie d
esp
er
ate
fo
r
em
ergen
cy aid.
Nine mo
nths later,
a miraculou
s boom of rainbows.

...or any combination thereof to no great advantage.
Best,
tectak

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

*edit because this is in serious.

Who exactly would be the ally of a tornado? Green Arrow I suppose.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Tornado

Also, I find the gimmick of forcing a poem into a shape, almost always to the detriment of the actual poem (remember line breaks?) to be pretty distasteful but I guess that is just me.

[tectak]

Chazz, I read this quickly and then saw your query. Shaping it is simple once you have your edits down. Using center formating only, you can sculpt your poem thusly:

If you live
in tornado ally, one quickly learns,
storm sirens are not something one should
take lightly,So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,
with enough food and water to last them
about a week,they huddled in the damp
dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground
perished in the wind.

At dawn in the cruel silence
of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an atomized
prairie desperate
for emergency aid.

Nine months later,
a miraculous
boom of
rainbows.

Cheers/Chris

Or:

If
you live in torn
ado ally, one quickl
y learns,storm sir
ens are not something on
e should take lightly,So when the
twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in
the root cellar. Childless, beneath the floorboards of their
home,with enough food and water to last them about a week,they hudd
led in the damp dark and consoled each other, while everything above ground
perished in the wind. At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an ato
mized
prai

rie d
esp
er
ate
fo
r
em
ergen
cy aid.
Nine mo
nths later,
a miraculou
s boom of rainbows.

...or any combination thereof to no great advantage.
Best,
tectak

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

Hey!!!Novel idea! Genre generator! I believe the mot juste is "cool" followed by not.

[ChristopherSea]

Or:

If
you live in torn
ado ally, one quickl
y learns,storm sir
ens are not something on
e should take lightly,So when the
twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in
the root cellar. Childless, beneath the floorboards of their
home,with enough food and water to last them about a week,they hudd
led in the damp dark and consoled each other, while everything above ground
perished in the wind. At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled
to mourn over ruble,
the town an ato
mized
prai

rie d
esp
er
ate
fo
r
em
ergen
cy aid.
Nine mo
nths later,
a miraculou
s boom of rainbows.

...or any combination thereof to no great advantage.
Best,
tectak

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

Hey!!!Novel idea! Genre generator! I believe the mot juste is "cool" followed by not.

...or end with 'they were abducted by aliens' to get the maxium impact of this poem rendering!

[justcloudy]

...this thread is kinda getting hijacked.

Chazz all I have to say is be careful what you post in serious. ;D

Actually no, that's not all I have to say. I like the idea of your poem, and I liked the ending, although I really don't like the idea of putting it in a shape, but maybe that's just me. As others have pointed out though, it's a bit too obvious. Ideas to play around with:

-Maybe try to cut it down to the bones and build it back up being less telly.
-Have you ever been in a tornado warning? Maybe bring up the feelings associated. Sometimes it's just annoying to get in the basement, but if the tornado is near and you can hear crazy shit going on outside it gets pretty tense.
-Tornado warnings vs watched might be fun to play with...
-Again have you been in a tornado warning? I've never heard of anyone with food and water to last a week in their basement/crawl space. Flashlight, blanket, water and maybe some granola bars sure. Maybe the people I know like to live on the wild side, who knows. ;D
-You know how the sky goes all green before a tornado? That could be a cool thing to describe.

Anyway just thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='148264' dateline='1385478640']
If you live in tornado ally, one quickly learns, No. If you live, YOU learn. If one lives, ONE learns. Don't mix.
storm sirens are not something one should take lightly, In fact, I would start again.Drop the"one" completely. It is pretentious.
So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar. See. There isn't one there's two

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,Childless? Your point is? Were they dogless? Goldfishless? What IS the connection to the subfloorboard situation. Every word MUST count for something.
with enough food and water to last them about a week,
they huddled in the damp dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground perished in the wind. You have become non-poetic. Why? No rhythm, rhyme, meter...give me something. This is just narrative.

At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled to mourn over ruble, Ah,those Russians. Anything for a buck...er...ruble. Czech before posting.
the town an atomized prairie desperate for emergency aid. dramatic overkill here

Nine months later, a miraculous boom of rainbows. Sure beats the shit out'a me. He gave her one, huh? Is that it? Needs more flesh. I have to think more than you wrote. Not good

You had only a breeze to play in. You never brewed up the storm. This is a thin effort. Sorry.
Best,
tectak

Hey tektack,
GOt you sir I'll take care if this and rework it.
Chazz

---

[quote='milo' pid='148305' dateline='1385501677']

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

*edit because this is in serious.

Who exactly would be the ally of a tornado? Green Arrow I suppose.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Tornado

Also, I find the gimmick of forcing a poem into a shape, almost always to the detriment of the actual poem (remember line breaks?) to be pretty distasteful but I guess that is just me.

Hey Milo,
I went back and fixed the spelling. I'll be much more careful in the future. I realize this poem needs help but i like the theme and I don't want to abandon it. If you have any advice it would be much appreciated.
Chazz

[milo]

Hey Milo,
I went back and fixed the spelling. I'll be much more careful in the future. I realize this poem needs help but i like the theme and I don't want to abandon it. If you have any advice it would be much appreciated.
Chazz

eh, I guess I can earn my paycheck, here is your first line"

If you live in tornado alley you quickly learn

ok, either I live in tornado alley or I don't, you are the writer, you tell me. (problem of address). Next, what is quickly? If I live in tornado alley will I learn so quickly that I already know? Or am I going to learn soon? This statement makes no sense!!! On the one case, it would be if I live in tornado alley, I already know (so i won't learn anything) otherwise, maybe I just moved there? What are the chances this poem only addresses people who have just moved to tornado alley and haven't learned something that they will learn "quickly". I hope they read this poem before teh next tornado.

[Charlesjoseph]

If you live in tornado alley you quickly learn

ok, either I live in tornado alley or I don't, you are the writer, you tell me. (problem of address). Next, what is quickly? If I live in tornado alley will I learn so quickly that I already know? Or am I going to learn soon? This statement makes no sense!!! On the one case, it would be if I live in tornado alley, I already know (so i won't learn anything) otherwise, maybe I just moved there? What are the chances this poem only addresses people who have just moved to tornado alley and haven't learned something that they will learn "quickly". I hope they read this poem before teh next tornado.
[/quote]

Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.

my original opening was:

When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

So now this is my opening. What sucks now? Because, if this sucks in any way i will rewrite it until you feel we can move on. I trust your judgement Milo i've seen your work and I'm ready and capable to make this poem happen. Below is an example of what i was going for style wise and i'm aware that i failed, but i always write a few shit drafts at first.
Thanks for your patience....
Chazz

First stanza of After Auschwitz by C.K Williams

We’d wanted to make France
but by dusk we knew we wouldn’t,
in a Bavarian town
just off the autobahn,
we found a room, checked in,
and went to look around.

[milo]

Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.

my original opening was:

When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

the first line is actually not terrible because it has music -

whentheTWIS tertouchedDOWN inGREENSburg

it is questionable because twisters as tornadoes are cliche as are they touching down but it is probably passable. But, and here is a thought, do you need to address it as a tornado directly or will the reader /know/ this. Does the storm have to "touch down" as storms do in news reports or can it do something more poetic.

She pounced to the ground like a grey leopard
playfully batting aside the trees, the wires
scratching the dirt up in a funnel

whatever, that isn't great but you can come up with something maybe or just leave the line like it is.

your second line is not as good. You need more music. Also, if someone is in a cellar, you don't need to say they are "already" in the cellar. And you are just telling us, poetry should never tell, it should "present", to do that you need to switch all of your static, descriptive statements to dynamic statements of presentation.

example:

Bobby and Joan were hiding in the cellar - static declaration
Bobby and Joan huddled in the cellar - presentation

etc.

[Charlesjoseph]

Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.

my original opening was:

When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

the first line is actually not terrible because it has music -

whentheTWIS tertouchedDOWN inGREENSburg

it is questionable because twisters as tornadoes are cliche as are they touching down but it is probably passable. But, and here is a thought, do you need to address it as a tornado directly or will the reader /know/ this. Does the storm have to "touch down" as storms do in news reports or can it do something more poetic.

She pounced to the ground like a grey leopard
playfully batting aside the trees, the wires
scratching the dirt up in a funnel

whatever, that isn't great but you can come up with something maybe or just leave the line like it is.

your second line is not as good. You need more music. Also, if someone is in a cellar, you don't need to say they are "already" in the cellar. And you are just telling us, poetry should never tell, it should "present", to do that you need to switch all of your static, descriptive statements to dynamic statements of presentation.

example:

Bobby and Joan were hiding in the cellar - static declaration
Bobby and Joan huddled in the cellar - presentation

etc.

Ok,
thanks for your input i will revisit the opening in the morning and come up with something to suit.
chazz

[tectak]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='148264' dateline='1385478640']
If you live in tornado ally, one quickly learns, No. If you live, YOU learn. If one lives, ONE learns. Don't mix.
storm sirens are not something one should take lightly, In fact, I would start again.Drop the"one" completely. It is pretentious.
So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar. See. There isn't one there's two

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,Childless? Your point is? Were they dogless? Goldfishless? What IS the connection to the subfloorboard situation. Every word MUST count for something.
with enough food and water to last them about a week,
they huddled in the damp dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground perished in the wind. You have become non-poetic. Why? No rhythm, rhyme, meter...give me something. This is just narrative.

At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled to mourn over ruble, Ah,those Russians. Anything for a buck...er...ruble. Czech before posting.
the town an atomized prairie desperate for emergency aid. dramatic overkill here

Nine months later, a miraculous boom of rainbows. Sure beats the shit out'a me. He gave her one, huh? Is that it? Needs more flesh. I have to think more than you wrote. Not good

You had only a breeze to play in. You never brewed up the storm. This is a thin effort. Sorry.
Best,
tectak

Hey tektack,
GOt you sir I'll take care if this and rework it.
Chazz

---

[quote='milo' pid='148305' dateline='1385501677']

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

*edit because this is in serious.

Who exactly would be the ally of a tornado? Green Arrow I suppose.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Tornado

Also, I find the gimmick of forcing a poem into a shape, almost always to the detriment of the actual poem (remember line breaks?) to be pretty distasteful but I guess that is just me.

Hey Milo,
I went back and fixed the spelling. I'll be much more careful in the future. I realize this poem needs help but i like the theme and I don't want to abandon it. If you have any advice it would be much appreciated.
Chazz

Good egg,
You may become famous for your editing....and there's nothing wrong with that
Best,
tectak

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='148331' dateline='1385529732']


Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.

my original opening was:

When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

the first line is actually not terrible because it has music -

whentheTWIS tertouchedDOWN inGREENSburg

it is questionable because twisters as tornadoes are cliche as are they touching down but it is probably passable. But, and here is a thought, do you need to address it as a tornado directly or will the reader /know/ this. Does the storm have to "touch down" as storms do in news reports or can it do something more poetic.

She pounced to the ground like a grey leopard
playfully batting aside the trees, the wires
scratching the dirt up in a funnel

whatever, that isn't great but you can come up with something maybe or just leave the line like it is.

your second line is not as good. You need more music. Also, if someone is in a cellar, you don't need to say they are "already" in the cellar. And you are just telling us, poetry should never tell, it should "present", to do that you need to switch all of your static, descriptive statements to dynamic statements of presentation.

example:

Bobby and Joan were hiding in the cellar - static declaration
Bobby and Joan huddled in the cellar - presentation

etc.

Hey Milo,
I took you advice and reworked the opening. Here's what i came up with.
Thanks for your time,
Chazz

For twenty-two miles she whirled like a top,
her drab colors a vortex of terra firma and metal.
Steady on her needle, she roared like a freight train,
the landscape in her wake a dismal panorama.

[rowens]

You could get rid of the she/her in each line.

A drab vortex of terra firma and metal.

Or something like that.

And maybe something other than SHE ROARED like a freight train, since that sounds overused. You could still use the freight train sound in some way.

[Charlesjoseph]

You could get rid of the she/her in each line.

A drab vortex of terra firma and metal.

Or something like that.

And maybe something other than SHE ROARED like a freight train, since that sounds overused. You could still use the freight train sound in some way.

Hey Rowens,
Here's an edit as you suggested omitting she/her and the train.
Thanks much
Chazz


For twenty-two miles it whirled like a top,
its colors a drab vortex of terra firma and metal.
Steady on its needle, louder than a stampede of cattle,
the landscape in its wake a dismal panorama.

[rowens]

There wasn't anything wrong with the she or her, just that they dominated every line. Now IT dominates every line. There was nothing wrong with the idea of the tornado sounding like a train, just that you could use it in a different way, you could expand on the idea.

Even if you used it/its or she/her in every line, you could carry a consistent set of images. The words are more colorful than in the original poem, but the comparisons seem arbitrary. It's not too bad, but it would be more effective if things felt more unified.

[justcloudy]

Hi Chazz, like rowens I agree this is an improvement but some things don't sit well with me.

For twenty-two miles it whirled like a top,
its colors a drab vortex of terra firma and metal. <-- this is a mouthful when read aloud
Steady on its needle, louder than a stampede of cattle, <-- "louder" is a bit lame, maybe something along the lines of "rumbling like a..." (also meh, but you get the idea)
the landscape in its wake a dismal panorama. <-- dismal I like but panorama just makes me think of... Fujifilm. ;p Plus it's a mouthful again.

Oh and I like "it" better than "she". It's less... obvious? in-your-face? apparent? Maybe you can see what I mean even though I can't say it myself. ;p Anyway I never thought of tornadoes as girls anyway. ;D

Keep at it!

-justcloudy