Gawkers

[ChristopherSea]

final

Gawkers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire:
the road-kill photographer,
the carrion scavenger.
They draw close, observe
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse,
a sandwich half-chewed,
a flayed best seller
and scattered paper,

college-ruled.

The gestalt exhibition
is a décollage
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt
as another roadside attraction.

Center stage: a leaden grotesquerie
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime.

The strewn victims
seem incidental
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours
to drain the scene lifeless.


-----------------------------------------------
Leanne/Dale edit2 Thanks folks!

Gawkers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire:
the road-kill photographer,
carrion scavenger.
They draw close, observe
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse,
a sandwich half-chewed,
a flayed best seller
and scattered paper,

college-ruled.

The gestalt exhibition
is a décollage
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt

as another roadside attraction.

Center stage: a leaden grotesquerie
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime.

The strewn victims
seem incidental
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours

to drain the scene lifeless.


----------------------------------------
Dale edit1


Gawkers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire,
from the road-kill photographer
to carrion scavenger.
They draw close to observe
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse
and a sandwich half-chewed,
a flayed best seller,
some scattered paper,

college-ruled.

The gestalt exhibition
is a massive décollage
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt

as another roadside attraction.

Center stage is a leaden grotesquerie
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime.

The strewn victims
seem almost incidental
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours

to drain the outlook lifeless.

----------------------------------

Gapers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire,
from the road-kill photographer
to carrion scavenger.
They draw close to observe
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse
and a sandwich half-chewed,
a flayed best seller,
some scattered paper,

college-ruled.

The gestalt exhibition
is a massive décollage
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt
as another roadside attraction.

Center stage is a leaden grotesquerie
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime.

The strewn victims
seem almost incidental
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours

to drain the outlook lifeless.

[Erthona]

Chris2fur

It is rare that I don't find something I would correct on the first read, but that is true here...as regards the poem itself. I would change the title to "Gawkers" (purely stylistic, but the sound of "gawkers" reminds me of crows). Loved the Tom Robbins allusion. Really a very good write.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Chris2fur

It is rare that I don't find something I would correct on the first read, but that is true here...as regards the poem itself. I would change the title to "Gawkers" (purely stylistic, but the sound of "gawkers" reminds me of crows). Loved the Tom Robbins allusion. Really a very good write.

Dale

Thank you very much for your time and critique Dale. I have edited this thing to death over a couple months and was afraid that I might have over-worked it. I am glad a fresh view says that it reads well. I do like your suggestion for the title. Gapers came about from the traffic term 'Gaper-block. 'Gawkers' with that crow connotation brings out the scavenger theme better. I shall most likely change it! Cheers/Chris

[tomoffing]

This is brilliant.

Top 3 lines;
3. air-brushed in hemoglobin,
2. The gestalt exhibition
1. a botched Titan's accordion

that is all.

[newsclippings]

Chris2fur

It is rare that I don't find something I would correct on the first read, but that is true here...as regards the poem itself. I would change the title to "Gawkers" (purely stylistic, but the sound of "gawkers" reminds me of crows). Loved the Tom Robbins allusion. Really a very good write.

Dale

I agree. I had nothing to correct and I sincerely enjoyed the poem. We as humans can't help but rubberneck. We piss and cry about what we see, but we're still curious about how it'll end.

[Erthona]

Actually Chris, stick with "Gapers", to change the title would give the impression that your "carrion scavenger" is a crow, but you define him as four footed later. Of course that could be read as just changing into an animal, but introducing the idea of a crow sets the poem off incorrectly. Sorry, bad suggestion.

dale

[tomoffing]

I have to disagree with Dale on his retraction.

Gaping implies a sense of wonder that, for me at least, is inconsistent with the darker aspect of human nature displayed.
Gawking draws no connection to crows for me and thus does not conflict with your later quadrupedal reference.

do with that as you will.
t

[ChristopherSea]

This is brilliant.

Top 3 lines;
3. air-brushed in hemoglobin,
2. The gestalt exhibition
1. a botched Titan's accordion

that is all.

Thank you Tom for taking the time to read this poem and sharing your reactions, especially listing your favorite lines! This critique was a nice treat after shoveling about one foot of snow out of the driveway yesterday. All the best in life and poetry./Chris

[heslopian]

Your poems have a tendency to replace concision of image or thought with mere wordiness, creating a leaden rhythm, but this one stays just shy of that. It's densely written, but in a good way. You're clearly improving as a poet and this is a brilliant poem. The rhythm is solid and stable, each phrase rolls off the tongue. This is one which I'd love to hear read. The last line is my favourite. It brims with scorn, but also has a delicious splash of dark humour.

Like Erthona, there's nothing I would change in the poem itself. Every individual line seems to be exactly where it should be, and the central image is so subtly conveyed, yet so profoundly clear, that I envy you this poem! (I also agree with Erthona about his title suggestion, by the way.) Thank you very much for the read, ChristopherSea

[Erthona]

"had 12 inches yesterday and will get 6 more tomorrow". Wow, I bet your wife is happy! You should make movies!

dale

[ChristopherSea]

Your poems have a tendency to replace concision of image or thought with mere wordiness, creating a leaden rhythm, but this one stays just shy of that. It's densely written, but in a good way. You're clearly improving as a poet and this is a brilliant poem. The rhythm is solid and stable, each phrase rolls off the tongue. This is one which I'd love to hear read. The last line is my favourite. It brims with scorn, but also has a delicious splash of dark humour.

Like Erthona, there's nothing I would change in the poem itself. Every individual line seems to be exactly where it should be, and the central image is so subtly conveyed, yet so profoundly clear, that I envy you this poem! (I also agree with Erthona about his title suggestion, by the way.) Thank you very much for the read, ChristopherSea

Much obliged Jack for your time and critique! I shall comment more when I return from digging out. We had 12 inches of snow yesterday and will get 6 more tomorrow. Ugh...

I do understand your points about my style. I guess it is difficult for a watercolor artist to paint in black and white or a scientist to write in street language, but I am learning! As my first reviewer and mentor on site, I do appreciate your support and evaluation of my progress. As for Dale's title recommendation, it's gone from Gapers to Gawkers and back again. Therefore. I assume you like Gapers, just as I was learning towards Gawkers. Oh well...

---

Actually Chris, stick with "Gapers", to change the title would give the impression that your "carrion scavenger" is a crow, but you define him as four footed later. Of course that could be read as just changing into an animal, but introducing the idea of a crow sets the poem off incorrectly. Sorry, bad suggestion.

dale

Not necessarily Dale. The crow as a symbol is potent and they are scavengers. I like the sonics of Gawkers with gnawing as well. The quadrapeds are really bipedal humans shapeshifting to animals as the scene shifts from tragedy to a spectacle. It is still worth considering. Much obliged for the return visit!/Cheers

[just mercedes]

it was like a surreal experience for me


Gapers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire,
from the road-kill photographer
to carrion scavenger.
They draw close to observe
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse
and a sandwich half-chewed,
a flayed best seller,
some scattered paper,

college-ruled.

The gestalt exhibition
is a massive décollage
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt
as another roadside attraction.

Center stage is a leaden grotesquerie
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime.

The strewn victims
seem almost incidental
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours

to drain the outlook lifeless.

I like this - the allusion to the single shoe reminds me of how photographers would take a single shoe with them to a crash site, this being generally recognized as a potent image of death. I like the single line stanzas - they work to add pathos. I'm not too keen on all the adjectives, but I seem to be allergic to them lately so that's me, not you. A decollage is formed by removing layers, so maybe the term should be collage?

[ChristopherSea]

Mercedes, Thank you for your time and effort to critique this poem. Those photographers you speak of must be some of aforementioned road-kill photographers and pretty sick to bring their own shoe to an accident site! Anything for the shot, I suppose, as the Paparazzi would say. The one I saw was clearly from one of the victims.

I know what you mean about collage verses decollage. I was a little torn (pun intended) between the two. If you consider the 'new art' being a deconstruction of the vehicle and victims to their individual parts it is a decollage. If the 'exhibit' was a reconstruction of the ripped apart vehicle than it would a collage. I chose decollage to go with gestalt, with the idea that the aftermath was an examination of the parts comprising the whole. Let me know it that makes sense, as I could easily change it. I shall think on it regardless. Much obliged for your comments and insights! Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 1 is posted. My wife cast the final vote for the title of Gawkers, as Dale suggested. I also dropped down the last line a stanza 2, in line with the other stanzas.

[Leanne]

Chris, my main suggestions revolve around my own desire to read this as a series of snapshots to further enhance the voyeurism idea. This requires removing some fillers to give a staccato effect.

Gawkers

Ravenous, they come
gnawing with desire,
from the road-kill photographer -- you could remove from the, put a comma after photographer, ie.

road-kill photographer,
carrion scavenger

which might even work better with a colon after desire

to carrion scavenger.
They draw close to observe -- perhaps a comma after close and remove to
a still life of running shoe,
the battered knockoff purse
and a sandwich half-chewed, -- wondering what the and is doing here, in the middle of a list
a flayed best seller,
some scattered paper,

college-ruled. -- nice use of white space here

The gestalt exhibition
is a massive décollage -- massive doesn't add anything for me
air-brushed in hemoglobin,
arrayed upon asphalt

as another roadside attraction.

Center stage is a leaden grotesquerie -- you might try "Center stage: a leaden grotesquerie" -- this has a twofold effect of turning up the pace and playing on the stage direction format
fashioned in heavy metal,
shattered glass and burnt rubber;
a botched Titan's accordion -- lovely sonics with accordion/cordoned
cordoned off in yellow

as if tragedy were a crime. -- excellent insight

The strewn victims
seem almost incidental -- almost robs this line of its power
to this prying pack
as they sink low on all fours

to drain the outlook lifeless. -- this last line is problematic for me as I read it as "outlook lifeless" (as if it were lifeless to begin with) rather than that they're draining it lifeless, which is I think what you're going for. Anything I can think of as an alternative right now is cumbersome though

[ChristopherSea]

Leanne, much obliged for the astute and detailed critique. I will work through those alternate punctuation suggestions and word deletions for brevity. Agreed, massive doesn't say much. I need a word for big and ugly. However, that may be accomplished by the next stanza. In last stanza and line, I was going for the cold cruelty of the pack, as well as the contrast of grandiose exhibition transitioning to emptiness. I can see how it marginalizes the victims. On the other hand, that is what the poem is all about. Nonetheless, I shall give the closing further inspection and see how to make it less anticlimatic. Perhaps simply, 'drain the scene lifeless' would work. 'Scene' would also fit the theatrical framework. Thanks for the read and advice! I should have a new edit up soon. Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 2 is posted. Thanks for the advice! Let me know if 'scene' replacing 'outlook' feels alright. It seems to play off 'Centerstage' well.

[Leanne]

Yes, scene is better. I don't know about in your lingo, but here the word "outlook" is interchangeable with "lookout" -- so it's a tourist spot, but looking off the road and not on

[ChristopherSea]

Yes, scene is better. I don't know about in your lingo, but here the word "outlook" is interchangeable with "lookout" -- so it's a tourist spot, but looking off the road and not on

Actually, tourist spot or tourist attraction would fit this theme of likening a accident scene to an art exhibition or theatrical production. You have almost inadvertantly persuaded me to change it back. I'll have to let the poem sit awhile and give it a fresk look again.