Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit tectak it was then heslopian
Young enough to notice change,
she softened the moment
with milk-washed skin,
so thin the air of new regret,
defined her perfect silhouette.
I hid this treasure rather well,
buried beneath books, storyboard Beanos,
desperate Dandys and angry looks.
My eyes now opened in a primeval light,
reality catches me brutal as a dog bite.
Cheeks first reddened by rushed mouths
are held in trembling hands.
Something wakes with new born plans,
our snakes scurry to find a home,
Medusa smiles then turns me to stone.
Original
Young enough to notice
for the first time,
so soft and smooth the moment.
Caught on clarities torn veil,
drawn towards perfect features,
melting critic to a masterpiece.
A creature well hidden till now,
buried beneath story board Beano’s,
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s.
Eyes open primeval,
reveals a change dog bite brutal.
Standing hillside looking back
breathless,
I think to brush pure beauty,
reddened by rushed mouths,
alive my writhing needs,
taking tingles under your touch.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-25-2013, 06:59 AM)Keith Wrote: Young enough to notice
for the first time,
so soft and smooth the moment.
Caught on clarities torn veil,
drawn towards perfect features,
melting critic to a masterpiece.
A creature well hidden till now,
buried beneath story board Beano’s,
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s.
Eyes open primeval,
reveals a change dog bite brutal.
Standing hillside looking back
breathless,
I think to brush pure beauty,
reddened by rushed mouths,
alive my writhing needs,
taking tingles under your touch. Hi keith,
I think you will edit this again of your own volition, as it appears susceptible to change. If parts of it Yoda out loudly to my ears, then I am sure you will hear it,too.
You got hooked on a device at the outset...you know the one. So sentences are written, curtailed... that kind of thing. Then you went with the flow and ended up the words inverted are.
"Eyes open primeval" stumps me until we get "...a change dog bite brutal"??? What IS going on? To be honest, alive my writhing needs. 
To be controversial, I think the words are fine but in the wrong order. Are you copying a style unknown to me? There is a Don Quixotic-forsooth pritheeness about it which seems misplaced.
Anyway, standing hillside looking back breathless sums it up for me.
Help.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(11-25-2013, 07:36 AM)tectak Wrote: (11-25-2013, 06:59 AM)Keith Wrote: Young enough to notice
for the first time,
so soft and smooth the moment.
Caught on clarities torn veil,
drawn towards perfect features,
melting critic to a masterpiece.
A creature well hidden till now,
buried beneath story board Beano’s,
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s.
Eyes open primeval,
reveals a change dog bite brutal.
Standing hillside looking back
breathless,
I think to brush pure beauty,
reddened by rushed mouths,
alive my writhing needs,
taking tingles under your touch. Hi keith,
I think you will edit this again of your own volition, as it appears susceptible to change. If parts of it Yoda out loudly to my ears, then I am sure you will hear it,too.
You got hooked on a device at the outset...you know the one. So sentences are written, curtailed... that kind of thing. Then you went with the flow and ended up the words inverted are.
"Eyes open primeval" stumps me until we get "...a change dog bite brutal"??? What IS going on? To be honest, alive my writhing needs.
To be controversial, I think the words are fine but in the wrong order. Are you copying a style unknown to me? There is a Don Quixotic-forsooth pritheeness about it which seems misplaced.
Anyway, standing hillside looking back breathless sums it up for me.
Help.
Best,
tectak
Tectak thank you for your dog bite brutal honesty, yes I see it now. I wasn't copying any style I managed to get here all on my own. As you say susceptible to change.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(11-25-2013, 06:59 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit tectak it was
Young enough to notice change,
she softened the moment
with milk washed skin. "Milk" and "washed" should have a dash between them. Also, shouldn't there be a comma rather than a full stop here?
defined by her perfect silhouette,
a cameo brooch set in silver. Is this line needed?
I hid this creature rather well,
buried beneath story board Beano’s, Isn't "storyboard" one word? Also, as "Beanos" is being used in a plural context, an apostrophe isn't needed.
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s. Ditto.
My eyes now opened in a primeval light, Excellent line, beautifully conveying the dawn of sexuality. Rarely have I seen a boner described so well
reality catches me brutal as a dog bite.
Cheeks first reddened by rushed mouths
are held in trembling hands.
Medusa smiles as she turns me to stone,
my snakes begin to slither and roam YOUR snakes? Surely Medusa's the one with the snakes. Ending on the previous line would be stronger, I think.
I must admit, when I first read this I had no idea what it was about. Then when I read it again to start critiquing it dawned on me... You dirty bastard Just kidding. It's an elegant and really rather lovely evocation of adolescent sexual awakening. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(11-25-2013, 12:01 PM)Heslopian Wrote: (11-25-2013, 06:59 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit tectak it was
Young enough to notice change,
she softened the moment
with milk washed skin. "Milk" and "washed" should have a dash between them. Also, shouldn't there be a comma rather than a full stop here?
defined by her perfect silhouette,
a cameo brooch set in silver. Is this line needed?
I hid this creature rather well,
buried beneath story board Beano’s, Isn't "storyboard" one word? Also, as "Beanos" is being used in a plural context, an apostrophe isn't needed.
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s. Ditto.
My eyes now opened in a primeval light, Excellent line, beautifully conveying the dawn of sexuality. Rarely have I seen a boner described so well
reality catches me brutal as a dog bite.
Cheeks first reddened by rushed mouths
are held in trembling hands.
Medusa smiles as she turns me to stone,
my snakes begin to slither and roam YOUR snakes? Surely Medusa's the one with the snakes. Ending on the previous line would be stronger, I think.
I must admit, when I first read this I had no idea what it was about. Then when I read it again to start critiquing it dawned on me... You dirty bastard Just kidding. It's an elegant and really rather lovely evocation of adolescent sexual awakening. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
Thank you for the help and advice I have made the edit based on your comment as agree with most/all. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-25-2013, 06:59 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit tectak it was then heslopian
Young enough to notice change,
she softened the moment
with milk-washed skin,
defined by her perfect silhouette.
I hid this creature rather well,
buried beneath storyboard Beanos,
angry looks and desperate Dandys.
My eyes now opened in a primeval light,
reality catches me brutal as a dog bite.
Cheeks first reddened by rushed mouths
are held in trembling hands.
Our snakes begin to slither and roam.
Medusa smiles as she turns me to stone.
Original
Young enough to notice
for the first time,
so soft and smooth the moment.
Caught on clarities torn veil,
drawn towards perfect features,
melting critic to a masterpiece.
A creature well hidden till now,
buried beneath story board Beano’s,
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s.
Eyes open primeval,
reveals a change dog bite brutal.
Standing hillside looking back
breathless,
I think to brush pure beauty,
reddened by rushed mouths,
alive my writhing needs,
taking tingles under your touch. Brilliant! Why didn't you write this the first time ?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(11-27-2013, 04:30 AM)tectak Wrote: [quote='Keith' pid='148090' dateline='1385330394']
Edit tectak it was then heslopian
Young enough to notice change,
she softened the moment
with milk-washed skin,
defined by her perfect silhouette.
I hid this creature rather well,
buried beneath storyboard Beanos,
angry looks and desperate Dandys.
My eyes now opened in a primeval light,
reality catches me brutal as a dog bite.
Brilliant! Why didn't you write this the first time?
Best,
tectak
Thank you I must
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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