Ripples Novel Chapter 8--Revision 1
#1
Rev 1: Tried to smooth out pronoun vs name usage, and incorporated some of Chazz's thoughts and other edits

Chapter 8


Tyler had a plan. Before Jack and Seth got back he would free himself from the zip ties, get the inhaler, and pull one of the pipes from the wall to use as a weapon. As plans went, it had the advantage of being simple and direct. However, there was a flaw. Step one seemed impossible.

He’d heard all the stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. He needed to give birth, or start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. All this straining and grunting against his bonds was only making him hurt more. This was getting nowhere.

Ben hung in place with his head down making no effort to get free. Maybe he’d tried the same plan earlier and had given up. What’s more his wheezing sounded ragged. “We’ll get out of this,” said Tyler, feeling less confident than he was trying to sound.

He decided to lower his goals and simply get the inhaler. There was a bit of give between the ties and the pipe. By forcing them further down toward the ground, and then by stretching his body out, he might be able to reach the damn thing with his foot. He had to try. Hanging there felt too much like being in a slaughterhouse, not a comforting image.

He took a moment to study how Ben was secured, and apply it to his own situation. If he was connected to a similar place on the pipe, he would need to lift his arms and pull them forward to clear the small joint, and then it should be a simple matter to follow the curve of the pipe to the floor.

He let his body go slack, and then sprang forward and up. He could feel the restraints move on the pipe. He tried again and was rewarded with another inch. The ties keep moving in diminishing amounts, until he felt like his shoulder blades had been dipped in kerosene and lit on fire. He couldn't keep this up for long. He decided to throw everything into the next attempt, and exploded forward.

The ties met resistance, and then must have cleared the joint. He had envisioned this moment leading to a controlled descent; what actually happened was more like riding a zip line to the ground. The ties carried his bound wrists on a rasping journey over and down the pipe. It wasn't a great distance, but he landed hard on his ass. Pain lanced through his arms, which were pulled back and twisted. He could only gasp; it hurt too much to even scream. Something skittered across the floor. When he was finally able to regain focus, he saw what had happened. His foot had reached the inhaler after all, and had kicked it toward the far wall.

“Fresh meat!” Jack’s voice was cheery, as he kicked the door open with his foot. Seth followed with a body slung over his shoulders. From the cape, Tyler guessed it was another vampire from the party. The unconscious boy was dumped in a heap near him.

Jack took in the scene. “So, Tyler how’d the escape plan go?” He started laughing. “Oh,” he said, “I think Michaela’s over vampires. I missed most of the fight, but she laid a beat down on this guy.”

“It isn't much fun when we don’t get to do it,” said Seth.

“No,” said Jack. “We’ll just have to have our fun in here. Roll him on his back.”

Seth did, and Tyler was able to see his face now. He’d done something weird to it. It was totally blacked out, and how did he make the glitter move? Tyler could swear he saw a hand twitch. “Now what do we do?” Seth sounded impatient.

The boy’s eyes snapped opened, which normally wouldn't have been noticeable in the gloom. These eyes though cast light that shone like dual torches. In one smooth motion, he rolled to his side, grasped Seth’s leg, and bit down through his costume. Seth fell screaming. The boy pulled back, spit out a wad of what must have been fake gorilla fur, and resumed his work on the leg. His mouth to chin was red with Seth’s blood.

Jack recovered first. Crossing the room, he tried to dislodge him by hitting him in the head with his cane. From its deep sound on impact, it clearly was more than a cheap prop. The boy snarled baring bloody teeth, which Tyler thought looked more like a bear trap than traditional fangs. The glow around those eyes intensified, and Jack froze in mid swing.

Wiping his mouth on his arm, Shark Face (which is all Tyler could think of him as now) stood up. “You like to hurt people,” he said. “I approve.”

Jack remained a statue.

Shark Face looked deep in thought before speaking, “Do you know if I eat your fingers one by one, I don’t think you’ll be able to cry out. Isn't that strange?” He took the cane from Jack’s hand and tossed it behind him to the ground. “Left or right? Left or right?” He chanted.

He selected Jack’s left hand and lifted it to his nose, breathing in as if it had a sweet bouquet. He opened his mouth to reveal those awful teeth. If he had been less intent on his meal, he might have noticed the gorilla rising up behind him. He also might have been able to block the cane. He did neither, as Seth broke it across his head. Then they were all like bowling pins. Seth fell, followed by Shark Face, and after taking two halting steps forward, followed by Jack. Tyler knew it was hopeless, but he began working on his bonds again. He could understand now why a raccoon might chew its leg off to escape a trap. Shark Face was the only one able to do that here though, and Tyler wanted to be nowhere near him.

It was probably only two or three minutes, but seemed longer before Jack sat up pressing his hands against the side of his head. “Jack,” said Tyler, “You've got to let us out of here.”

Jack pulled a knife from a sheath on his belt.

“Yes, cut the ties.” Tyler rattled his cuffs.

Jack got to his feet unsteadily and moved to collect the broken parts of his staff. He returned with them to Shark Face.

“Cut us free.”

“Shut the fuck up, Tyler, I gotta deal with this. I don’t know what this guy is, but he’s dressed like a vampire.” Jack examined both ends of his cane. He placed one end on his lap, and discarded the other. He began to sharpen the broken end to a point. It took only a few minutes.

Seth was groaning. Shark Face appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Though as Jack became more purposeful in his carving, Tyler thought he could pick up some faint movement from the body. “He’s waking up!”

Jack dropped the knife, and surprised Tyler by positioning the sharpened staff not over the center of the chest, but at the side pointing at an upward angle.

“Jack, you need to go for the heart if he’s a vampire.” Tyler said.

“It’s not like in movies, bitch. You have to go under the ribs.” He pulled his arm back, and drove in the stake.

Shark Face lurched, howled, and spit out darkness in globules blacker than night. They formed into the shape of two shadow crows, which shot like released arrows, one toward Tyler, and the other toward Ben. Tyler cried out, and the crow flew into his mouth. It tasted like ashes, and strangely like an unanswered question.

#
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#2
Tyler had a plan. Before Jack and Seth returned, he would free himself from the zip ties, get the inhaler, and pull one of the pipes from the wall to use as a weapon. As plans went, it had the advantage of being simple and direct.

(However, there was a flaw. Step one seemed impossible.)

something like this will move you to your next paragraph cleaner

There was a flaw though, he couldn’t get past step one.

He’d heard all the stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. He needed to give birth, or start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He yanked harder against the bonds. His straining and grunting only seemed to be hurting his wrists more. He was getting nowhere.

(seemed to make him hurt more.....
Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of. Kurt Vonnegut.

(I do this as well when I draft. Too many he/he's try to break this pattern)

loose Example this is your work not mine.
Tyler had heard stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. With hard yanks to the bonds Tyler wondered if he needed to give birth, start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He was getting nowhere and all of his Straining and grunting just hurt his wrists more.
(Sloppy example sorry but I’m short on time today.)

To add to this joy, Ben’s wheezing sounded worse. The other boy hung in place with his head down making no effort to get free. Maybe he’d tried the same plan earlier and had (omit Had) given up. “We’ll get out of this.” Tyler said, which was sounding to him more stupid by the minute. (Choppy needs a clean up)
Tyler noticed that there was a bit of give between the ties and the pipe. So, he decided to lower his goals and simply get the inhaler. It was a bit of a long shot but if he could force them further down toward the ground, and stretch his body out he believed he might be able to reach it with his foot. There were a lot of might’s, and Tyler hadn’t worked out any further steps, but he couldn’t just hang here. He felt like a piece of meat hanging in a slaughterhouse, and that was not a comforting image.
(Just a bit of manipulation on my part. to give you an example of how I would have made that paragraph transition.)

He took a moment to study how Ben was secured, and apply it to his own situation. (a bit confusing. Cut it or Perhaps (and applied it to his own situation)
From the angle, (From his point of view) it seemed like he was connected to a similar place on his pipe. That would mean that(omit) he would need to lift his arms and pull them forward to clear the small joint, and then he could follow the curve of the pipe down toward the floor.

(I'm going to stop here.)

Hey Todd,
I like the story and your writing. I hope my input here is not taken as harsh it was not intended to be. I am aware that this is a draft and I hope this helps you in some way. I would be willing to start from the beginning with you if you wanted another pair of eyes on it but make sure you keep the draft going and leave the front end kind of alone until you get to the end. Once you finish this story you may have to add information in the opening chapters. So, if you edit chapter one this week and a month from now you realize you forgot something it will be double/triple/quadruple work. Just my opinion but I’ve been there.
Cheers,
Chazz
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#3
"I don’t what this guy is, but he’s dressed like a vampire.”  - missing "know"

Another thought: when Shark thing or Shark face is used as a name, I think it should be capitalized.
I'm referring to "thing" and "face". Shark Face
You know, like Swamp Thing.
Of course sometimes you wrote "the shark thing" and then you wouldn't.

I like it a lot, Todd.
Now, poor Tyler has the darkness in him. .
And I wouldn't have thought about going under the ribs with the staff - good thought
-Jenn
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#4
Chazz, I appreciate the comments. Yeah, this is all extremely rough draft. I'm trying mostly to keep the momentum. I'm only doing minor edits and shifts now. I expect to do the heavy lifting in the edit. I'll take and appreciate any feedback you leave. If something doesn't work or you don't like something please say so. I will be cutting 10% no matter what. Mostly I'm trying in this run to get the bones of the story. Later revisions will probably be significantly altered.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#5
Cool todd,
Good luck with this!!! Narrative is hard work and mind bending at times.
cheers
Chazz
Reply
#6
(11-23-2013, 11:56 PM)tigrflye Wrote:  "I don’t what this guy is, but he’s dressed like a vampire.”  - missing "know"

Another thought: when Shark thing or Shark face is used as a name, I think it should be capitalized.
I'm referring to "thing" and "face". Shark Face
You know, like Swamp Thing.
Of course sometimes you wrote "the shark thing" and then you wouldn't.

I like it a lot, Todd.
Now, poor Tyler has the darkness in him. .
And I wouldn't have thought about going under the ribs with the staff - good thought
-Jenn
Thanks Jenn, I'll make those fixes. I agree fully.

(11-24-2013, 12:09 AM)Charlesjoseph Wrote:  Cool todd,
Good luck with this!!! Narrative is hard work and mind bending at times.
cheers
Chazz
It's certainly both of those things. That's a reason I prefer poetry (short attention span).

I promise you plenty of pain for the characters, and while it will never be Ice 9 (just not good enough for that), they will suffer. More so inn edit I'm sure then on this run I'm sure. Smile

Chazz, I put a few of your changes in, and then stopped not because I disagree with them just that they are more structural than I want to deal with at the moment. I will go back over them later. Thanks again.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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