A Nature's Revelation

[heslopian]

The kindness in you
was rivalled only by those moments
of perfect sense and clarity,
when you'd teach me something about human nature
which I hadn't considered before.

Now, as a driveway dotted with leaves
evokes a single image,
despite its thousand components;
pebble, curb and leaf;

as a bus pulls into its stop,
emitting and admitting equally;

as I sit in the local college
filling out forms,
and winter's excesses without
are exorcised within;

as all of this happens and is,

you're taken away.
The obscene altar my brother whispered about,
your disordered rooms and unswallowed pills,
are taken from you, your spirit having
dwindled down to madness, a bothersome bitch
with God as its excuse. The victim of your own human nature,
which you never quite revealed to me.

[justcloudy]

Hey there Heslopian,

First reading: wow, punch in the gut, connection with the poem, all that good stuff.
Subsequent readings: wait... now I'm confused...

Let me explain:

The kindness in you
was rivalled only by those moments Is rivalled the British spelling?
of perfect sense and clarity,
when you'd teach me something about human nature
which I hadn't considered before. I love how this is said, but it's inherently confusing... how can kindness be rivaled by clarity and teaching others? Aren't they linked? Or are you saying that she is SO kind that only being a life-guide/teacher, which is wonderful too, gets even close? I think I'm muddling my words but hope you get what I'm saying.

Now, as a driveway dotted with leaves
evokes a single image,
despite its thousand components;
pebble, curb and leaf; Beautiful stanza.

as a bus pulls into its stop,
emitting and admitting equally; Lovely.

as I sit in the local college
filling out forms,
and winter's excesses without
are exorcised within; Not sure about exorcised, but if you're going for dark then I guess it words. Nice stuff too.

as all of this happens and is, Love the enjambment here.

you're taken away. Queue aforementioned gut punch.
The obscene altar my brother whispered about, Queue the "wait what?". Maybe it's my fault but I've considered different things this obscene altar could be and I'm not finding anything that works. Mentioned your brother suggests "she" is close to your family so that's a nice detail.
your disordered rooms and unswallowed pills, She lives alone and doesn't take her meds, ok.
are taken from you, your spirit having
dwindled down to madness, a bothersome bitch From these two lines I can't figure out if she's dead or has been taken to an institution.
with God as its excuse. The victim of your own human nature, Why God? Reminiscent of the altar mentioned, but I still don't see it.
which you never quite revealed to me. But I thought she was kind and she taught you to notice the little things? Or was that sarcastic up there? This ending seems powerful but actually just raises questions.

I like this so much and want to love it, but I don't have a clear idea of the story yet, so it just isn't happening. Hope you can spell it out a bit more. I honestly feel like I'm missing a big theme or something, and that I just don't get it because I'm stupid. Which isn't a nice way to leave a reader. ;D

As you like to say, this is all, of course, just my humble opinion, so take what you will. =]

-justcloudy

---

Was about to comment on not being so hot on the title, and then noticed how "Revelation" again is harking back to the religious theme. Still confused.

[heslopian]

This is, to an extent, a confessional poem, and I have a tendency, when writing such, to throw in details from my private life, without considering how they'll be read by those unfamiliar with their context. Hence problematic phrases like "obscene altar". Basically, the woman in this poem has gone mad, and a facet of that madness is a distorted religion. She makes her own altar, and uses God as an excuse for her absurd behaviour. She's then taken to an institution. She was kind and sensible, in spite of her illness, but then the latter overtook and she became insane. Thank you very much, justcloudy, for making me realise how obscure these details are When I come to edit this, I'll see if I can add some explanatory lines.
"Rivalled" is British English, yes, and my only intention with it was to convey that the measure of her kindness was equalled only by the measure of her sense and clarity. Imagine a pair of scales bearing similar weights. Thank you again, justcloudy, for pricking my pretension with your kind and thoughtful comments; I need to realise that cohesion is more important than confession

[Keith]

The kindness in you
was rivalled only by those moments
of perfect sense and clarity,
when you'd teach me something about human nature
which I hadn't considered before.

This makes me think of sitting in church listening to a sermon I particularly enjoyed the phrasing and have nothing to add or change it sets up the religious theme nicely.

Now, as a driveway dotted with leaves
evokes a single image,
despite its thousand components; Not sure components works its a cold word reminds me of plug tops and fuses
pebble, curb and leaf;

I take from this that things are always more complicated than they seem.

as a bus pulls into its stop,
emitting and admitting equally;

yin and yang the balance of life I like this very much

as I sit in the local college
filling out forms,
and winter's excesses without
are exorcised within;


as all of this happens and is, this line ties the revelations together really well

you're taken away.
The obscene altar my brother whispered about,
your disordered rooms and unswallowed pills,
are taken from you, your spirit having
dwindled down to madness, a bothersome bitch
with God as its excuse. The victim of your own human nature,
which you never quite revealed to me.

Nothing I would change here a great closing stanza descending into madness with excellent images, disordered rooms and unswallowed pills great stuff

I think you can tell I really like this with some minor crit and I don't think there is too much of you in it (maybe the altar) as you say but not too much to change. Thanks Keith

[heslopian]

Thank you for very kind and helpful feedback, Keith