Film Noir

[ChristopherSea]

final

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll crosses
the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off dangerous contours
into Dutch's eager paws.

He takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.


---------------------------------------------
todd/brendan/hespo edit 5 Thanks folks!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off dangerous contours
into Dutch's eager paws.

He takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.

----------------------------------------
todd/brendan edit 4 Thank you thrice!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off dangerous contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.


-----------------------------------------

todd/brendan edit 3 Thank you!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off precarious contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.


-----------------------------------------
todd edit 2 (present tense) Thank you!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.

-or-

todd edit 1 (past tense)

Film Noir

It was raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pinstriped
the murk as a dark sedan veered
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hopped out of the boiler,
her stilettos stabbed asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crossed the foyer then lingered.
She was soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat dripped
off undulating contours
into eager paws.

Dutch took the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweeted,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swung heels,
full hips sashayed staircase.
Languidly, she slipped
a derringer from her garter.


-------------------------------------------------
Film Noir


It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;
amber lamps pin-stripe the murk,
as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked in allure;
cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly,
she slides a derringer
from her garter.

[Todd]

Hi Chris, I really like this. You capture the mood very well.

Here are some general comments below:

First off, when I hear these narrations in my mind, they are always past tense. Do you know if that conforms with the genre? First line then: It was raining calicos and bulldogs. That may be my biggest structural comment.

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;--That's funny and sets the mood for the rain and the over the top descriptors of the genre.
amber lamps pin-stripe the murk,--Love pinstripe (I generally see it written as one word, though I'm not sure if there are options). I'd be tempted to end the line on pinstripe (just for how well it lends to the feel and move "the murk," down to start the next line
as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.--all fun to this point.
She’s soaked in allure;--consider breaking on soaked and move "in allure;" to start the cagey line
cagey under platinum--like this line a lot
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips--Great break and use of drips for both lines
off undulating contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.--good line

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly,--Consider pulling she slides up and making "a derringer from her garter" its own line.
she slides a derringer
from her garter.

Much enjoyed Chris.

Best,

Todd

[ChristopherSea]

Todd, much obliged for the keen observations and suggestions. The past tense is certainly a consideration, many films/books of the genera are narrated by a gumshoe. First, I will edit the piece with your excellent pointers and then try a past tense version. Thank you so very much. You are a superb poet, a great mentor and a skilled editor my friend-in-pen!/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

New edit in past and present tenses posted. Not certain whether I prefer one over the other. Thanks Todd!

[Todd]

I've read this a bit now Chris, and this is of course just an opinion, but I prefer the non-past tense. It just reads better, even if the past tense feels more genre to me.

Just my initial thoughts.

[ChristopherSea]

I placed present voice ahead of past tense in the line up.

[Todd]

Even if it were close, I like slide so much better than slipped, or slid for that matter that it would edge out past tense.

[SirBrendan]

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs; Great setting of the theme for the piece--okay Kid, let's ride
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive. This is likely my favourite line. I really enjoy the way you messed with sentence structure
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt. I think 'stabbing' works better here, since the stilettos belong to hopping dame

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum Nice line break here
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours Oh no, that word! Undulating, for me, totally breaks the theme. It's a great word, but not one you'd ever hear in this kind of narrative
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos. Not sure you need this particular line. Calamity seems to cover it, so chaos comes off as redundant

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill. Great stanza

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides Todd was right here, the slide has a very cool, jazzy sound to it
a derringer from her garter. A lovely and fitting conclusion

Almost disappointed there aren't anymore revisions I can make here. This bird came out of the oven already cooked. Still, it's a fun poem that brings back some good memories for me, so thank you for another solid one

[ChristopherSea]

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs; Great setting of the theme for the piece--okay Kid, let's ride
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive. This is likely my favourite line. I really enjoy the way you messed with sentence structure
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt. I think 'stabbing' works better here, since the stilettos belong to hopping dame

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum Nice line break here
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours Oh no, that word! Undulating, for me, totally breaks the theme. It's a great word, but not one you'd ever hear in this kind of narrative
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos. Not sure you need this particular line. Calamity seems to cover it, so chaos comes off as redundant

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill. Great stanza

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides Todd was right here, the slide has a very cool, jazzy sound to it
a derringer from her garter. A lovely and fitting conclusion

Almost disappointed there aren't anymore revisions I can make here. This bird came out of the oven already cooked. Still, it's a fun poem that brings back some good memories for me, so thank you for another solid one

Some very good ideas Brendan, thank you kindly for sharing them! Stabbing goes well with leggy. Chaos foreshadows complete undoing, but I am content with losing the 'and'. The undulations came from observing some seductive dancing from the film genre and should be fitting. Moreover, my wife is a belly dancer and uses similar movements which emphasize a women's gifts. Nonetheless, I feel a better descriptor for her femme fatale nature would serve the piece. Therefore, something in the vein of dangerous curves should work to the piece's advantage. Most appreciative and an edit will follow shortly my fellow poet!/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

todd/brendan edit 3 is posted. I resculpted those contours (_i_). Thanks folks!

[Todd]

Stabbing is great. I love the edit.

You might consider replacing precarious with dangerous. You have a lot of nice D sounds, and the word feels more right to me with the speaker for some reason.

Again, minor point. Great poem.

[ChristopherSea]

Todd, I had dangerous contours, but thought it was too cliché, which probably is not a valid characterization within the noir genre, as it is painted as one big cliché (its very existence feeds on it). I chose precarious to achieve both the 'c' and 's' alliterations within that stanza. However, I see your reasoning to reconsider dangerous. Thanks for revisiting!/Chris

[Todd]

Either way, it's a minor tweak.

[heslopian]

todd/brendan edit 3 Thank you!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs; Excellent first line; nicely satirical, and with a weird edge that resembles Raymond Chandler's metaphors.
amber lamps pinstripe Great use of noun as verb.
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler, "boiler"? Is this slang for a type of car?
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; Another good subversion of a word to fit another purpose. cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off precarious contours
into eager paws. Whose paws?

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.

The syntax in this one is exquisite. Though it can sometimes slide into abstraction, overall it's deliciously idiosyncratic and complex. I love noir, and this poem captures its language and scenery well. Thank you for the read

[ChristopherSea]

Dangerous fits, I'm wearing it!

---

todd/brendan edit 3 Thank you!

Film Noir

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs; Excellent first line; nicely satirical, and with a weird edge that resembles Raymond Chandler's metaphors.
amber lamps pinstripe Great use of noun as verb.
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler, "boiler"? Is this slang for a type of car?
her stilettos stabbing asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; Another good subversion of a word to fit another purpose. cagey under platinum
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off precarious contours
into eager paws. Whose paws?

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first,
into calamity.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides
a derringer from her garter.

The syntax in this one is exquisite. Though it can sometimes slide into abstraction, overall it's deliciously idiosyncratic and complex. I love noir, and this poem captures its language and scenery well. Thank you for the read

Thank you Jack for your time and observations! Those are Dutch's paws, but I did not put in 'his' because he was not introduced yet. Do you think I need 'his' or something else like, 'into eagerly awaiting paws' ? Let me know if you think so! Thanks/Chris

PS 'Boiler' just means car!

[heslopian]

I'd recommend putting "Dutch's paws", then not worry about the repetition.

[ChristopherSea]

I'd recommend putting "Dutch's paws", then not worry about the repetition.

I'll take a look at that right now, thanks! (Let's see how the double Dutch fares)

[Todd]

I'm at a loss to tell you what to change. More salt may ruin the stew.

Fun, fun read.

[ChristopherSea]

Todd, if the second Dutch is a problem you can say so. As you know, I pretty much experiment with all suggestions, but I'm never married to them. I really appreciate you staying with me through this whole edit! I have some doubt about needing to identify those paws before 'Dutch takes the plunge.'/Chris

[Todd]

He or Dutch. Go with the one you like better. They read the same to me without any confusion.