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(12-12-2013, 12:40 PM)ellajam Wrote: Well, I deleted the pant version cause they were both barks. Moot anyway, because pant will turn it present tense, i don't want to go back there.
Why do I choke on dogs every time? Something might be wrong there. I'm giving up on adding more commas for now, I think the breaks do their job.
Dogs...pups... pant...pups...maybe.
Damn, so close to done.
Don't get impatient, or discouraged. as far as bark, pant; maybe try thinking of it another way, like a specific
type of bark etc. It would be great if you could get some onomatopoeia into that line, but I understand it's difficult without it sounding silly - maybe 'yip' or something along those lines. just not yap.
I want to say maybe 'Hear the yipping pups that broke dawn's hush'. It's a tricky situation with the tenses; you are telling the addressee to hear the 'past' (right now!)
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(12-12-2013, 02:01 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (12-12-2013, 12:40 PM)ellajam Wrote: Well, I deleted the pant version cause they were both barks. Moot anyway, because pant will turn it present tense, i don't want to go back there.
Why do I choke on dogs every time? Something might be wrong there. I'm giving up on adding more commas for now, I think the breaks do their job.
Dogs...pups... pant...pups...maybe.
Damn, so close to done.
Don't get impatient, or discouraged. as far as bark, pant; maybe try thinking of it another way, like a specific type of bark etc. It would be great if you could get some onomatopoeia into that line, but I understand it's difficult without it sounding silly - maybe 'yip' or something along those lines. just not yap.
I want to say maybe 'Hear the yipping pups that broke dawn's hush'. It's a tricky situation with the tenses; you are telling the addressee to hear the 'past' (right now!)
Yes, I hear the past, come join me.
Yippee kay yay, oops, those dogies are cows.
Heeeey, timpanic paws, naaaah.
Thinking, thanks for thinking with me.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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I came across this way too late to help you shape it: It is perfect as is. I just wanted you to know that it moved me greatly, and your word choice and spacing made the poem for me. It is strong, and it is brilliant. Only praise, no crit this time.
love ya,
mel.
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Thanks, mel, maybe I'll stop poking it for a while.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
