Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
their splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the panting dogs that broke dawn's hush
as they burst through their freedom run,
the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

edit #3 (Thanks each and every one of you)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the panting dogs that broke dawn's hush
as they burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.



edit #2  (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='ellajam' pid='147202' dateline='1384437454']
Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled (not sure you need this line if you cut it i think the verse will be stronger.)
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Hey there,
I really enjoyed this. I have only one suggestion above.
regards,
Chazz

[ellajam]

Thanks, Chazz, that's an interesting cut suggestion, I'll certainly review that area and reconsider. I'm glad someone other than myself enjoyed this, and I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

[ChristopherSea]

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

Good Morning Ella. Another of your hurricane pieces, nice! I think you can dispense with all the ‘the’s’ if you want to, there are too many. There's something with those plurals that is off. Those semicolons are not really needed; commas should serve those connected observations. Those parenthetical thoughts can easily be incorporated into their respective lines and not disrupt the flow as much as they do. Collectively, those edits would yield:

Drift along shoreline ghost
paths, counting feet that rutted
splintered gray slats
which bicycles pedaled
as morning’s rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run,
murmurs of old friends
that fill long days as horizons
glitter before them, once reflected
in storefronts now shuttered.

Absorb empty spaces
where lucky ones lived; buried
lawns scattered with year-old debris
and shredded memories
await their autumn rakes.

A very quick run through! Take a look and see what you think. Cheers./Chris

[ellajam]

Thanks, Chris, nicely done, smooth.

I came to the parentheses because I liked the before them/behind them in S2. When I read your version I don't think the poem suffers from the loss of behind but I'm not sure.

I'm one of tectak's cases where a poem can be killed by punctuation, but that's only my own lack of skill. It's a thin line between creativity and insanity.

[ChristopherSea]

That can still work:

...glitter before them, once reflected
in storefronts now shuttered behind them.

[SirBrendan]

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted Very clever use of line breaks. It might work better to say 'rut (line break) through'. It'll end the second line on a harsher sound and continue the poem's habit of a line being a statement within itself
the splintered gray slats, Through would replace 'the' here, which might help snap the repetition in these two lines. You could also then add a period here.
the bicycles pedaled Alternative: Bicycles pedal
as mornings' rolling light set fire Uh oh, you've mixed tenses here. Drift along is present whereas 'set fire' is past. It worked okay with rutted, but here there's no continuation of to make the same true here. Consider sets fire to fix this (and if so, some revision throughout the stanza to avoid awkwardness/conflict).
to the curves of early tides. Almost forgot to say, these lines are beautiful!

Hear the dogs' yap and pant Maybe this is just a dialect difference, but yap seems to be a very strange word. Nothing structurally wrong here except I'd maybe place a comma at the line break
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends I'm starting to think you hate the word 'and'. :p Unfortunately to use the verb 'hear' from S2L1, you need an and because of the lack of relationship between dogs barking and murmuring aside from that shared verb
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind. Again, a fantastic closer on the stanza

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes. This stanza is just perfect for me. I love the parallels established throughout the entire poem structure. Thank you for the read


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

[ellajam]

Hi, Brendan, thanks for reading and for your insightful comments.

Tense was a dilemma for me here because the poem is in the present but the boardwalks are a thing of the past. I was hoping the word ghost would lead the reader that way, but maybe not. I had "claimed by the ocean" but axed it, too blunt. But even with my premise, the tenses are probably mixed up. I'll continue struggling with it, thanks for bringing it up.

I'm also not sure if the "clever breaks" are so busy being clever that they lose their emotion, which is what is usually at the heart of anything of mine that comes close to succeeding.

And I'll look over my lack of "and"s.

Again, thanks so much for taking this on.

[SirBrendan]

You certainly don't need to worry about a lack of heart. I actually used your poem as an example to my wife, this morning, of how nice a soft poem can sound.

There's definitely something mixed in the tenses of the first stanza ( at least I think it's definite). The ghost effectively takes care of everything right up until, 'the bicycles pedaled". Count is a present verb which works fine for the second clause. However, come the third clause we have an issue because the comma only works in a list, but doesn't replace and otherwise. If you strip it down you can see the issue more clearly

Count the feet that rutted (...), the bicycles pedaled(...).

There are two fixes I can think of.

Count the feet that rutted...and the bicycles that pedaled...

or, drop the as so bicycle pedaled becomes an adjective

the bicycle pedaled
mornings' rolling light set fire

Whether you fix it or not (or if I'm wrong and it doesn't need to be fixed), the poem is already lovely.

[ellajam]

That can still work:

...glitter before them, once reflected
in storefronts now shuttered behind them.

smart guy, , how come I couldn't figure that out?

and shredded memories
await their autumn rakes.

oh, and I thought the twelve months shredded might double as tearing the pages off the calendar, or triple: memories, leaves, calendar pages, but maybe not.

[ChristopherSea]

...and twelve months of shredded memories
await their autumn rakes

[ellajam]

I'm going to give milo's method of recording and repeated listening a try, my original and the edit chris did, then maybe one addressing the bicycles. I'm hoping eventually one will sound right to me. It's worth a try.

No shredded memories, though.

[milo]

I'm going to give milo's method of recording and repeated listening a try, my original and the edit chris did, then maybe one addressing the bicycles. I'm hoping eventually one will sound right to me. It's worth a try.

No shredded memories, though.

I could upload one for you, i have done it before for others

[ellajam]

I'm going to give milo's method of recording and repeated listening a try, my original and the edit chris did, then maybe one addressing the bicycles. I'm hoping eventually one will sound right to me. It's worth a try.

No shredded memories, though.

I could upload one for you, i have done it before for others

Sure, thanks. I might be able to hear it better not in my own voice at this point, though I am going to start getting used to it to see if it helps me critique.

[milo]

I'm going to give milo's method of recording and repeated listening a try, my original and the edit chris did, then maybe one addressing the bicycles. I'm hoping eventually one will sound right to me. It's worth a try.:)

No shredded memories, though. ;)

I could upload one for you, i have done it before for others

Sure, thanks. I might be able to hear it better not in my own voice at this point, though I am going to start getting used to it to see if it helps me critique.

It is more fun than it sounds at first and really helps your sonic awareness. If you ever browse through our audio section, I did the Seamus heaney and the lewis carroll

[Truerenigma]

I've got to hear milo say snug as a gun!

---

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost paths,
count the feet that rut the splintered gray slats;
the bicycles pedal as mornings' light sets fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant,
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends that fill long days,
the horizon glitters before them; reflects
in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris,
and what were memories,
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

Just some suggestions for breaks, tense, and punctuation.

---

I must ask though, do bicycles pedal, or do the riders pedal the bicycles?

---

Btw I enjoyed the imagery, as well as these sounds: paths, slats, pant; and wait, rakes.

[ellajam]

I've got to hear milo say snug as a gun!

---

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost paths,
count the feet that rut the splintered gray slats;
the bicycles pedal as mornings' light sets fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant,
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends that fill long days,
the horizon glitters before them; reflects
in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris,
and what were memories,
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

Just some suggestions for breaks, tense, and punctuation.

---

I must ask though, do bicycles pedal, or do the riders pedal the bicycles?

---

Btw I enjoyed the imagery, as well as these sounds: paths, slats, pant; and wait, rakes.

Hi, tru, thanks for reading, and for your interesting edit. Another nay on the parentheses. The version I'm working on has lost them.

Bicycles pedaled: I was trying to say count in one's mind the bicycles that were pedaled on this path that no longer exists. Major fail, eh? Thanks for being an additional neon arrow there, hopefully the next version will be clearer.

Again, thanks all for the time you've all given this meager thing.

[milo]

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

Well, I can't upload it the way I normally do. Here is the file, I will see if I can't figure something else out.

[ellajam]

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

[milo]

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

---

wow, milo, thanks. Much different than hearing myself. I've been putting memories in and out, but i think it may be out after hearing yours, and Brendan was right on yap.

Sorry if it took you longer than it should have, but yay for me, thank you.
Good Morning.

edit: Hey, milo, you left out barks, , no problem, beautiful reading. Rethinking my edit.

Eh, I will redo it. I don't currently have a computer at my house and at work the 6kiwi site.is banned plus there is no mic, so I have to use my phone. The 6kiwi site doesn't work for my phone at all. Anyway, I will redo it.

I don't see "barks" in the poem anywhere