frostbite

[RSaba]

Here's the first edit (original version is below), long overdue! Thanks for all your feedback guys.


frostbite Version 2

frostbite


april cut into the frozen city
with long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
guess i was just trying to hurry things along
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition
the dragging pace at which winter melted away

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon
because the mercury sank back into the glass
rain became needles, trees frosted thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated
into a dull but biting winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

frostbite Version 1

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

[billy]

yes it does, after a quick couple of reads i saw nothing amiss, i'll come back to it soon and say why i like it as much as i do.

i wouldn't call it an underlying metaphor as it open and honest throughout the poem.

good to see you back

[rowens]

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass


It sounds mostly good down to this point.






and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words


That part seems like something you could work on if you wanted to keep working on it. I have a few things I thought about. But you can think about it first, before I say anything I'd specifically change. 

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily


The last part is kind of O.K.

[tectak]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

This is without doubt complex and interesting enough to go into serious workshopping...not for the sake of your piece, rsaba, but to benefit the crits.It is sometimes forgotten in the madness of negativity that the crits should also benefit from reading good work....your call.
Best and welcome back,
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

I agree with tectak. I am finding that the best pieces are the hardest for me to comment on, and even though I haven't posted anything in serious, I spend a lot of time reading the poems and the comments there. It's where I learn the most and I feel this poem belongs there. I don't feel that the "underlying" metaphor is detached from the poem at all. It's subtext is always there and woven nicely. - Paul

[71degrees]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

Almost wish you hadn't asked for comments directed toward the "underlying" metaphor but since is here was wondering about all the "and's" and the "I guess" lines.  I think honestly for a person to truly understand your metaphor, they must have experienced the winter of which you speak.  I grew up in Wisconsin.  Frostbite was ever part of our lives, both as a child and into adult life.  Nothing to sneeze at and people who chose to live dangerously, often lost toes or tips or fingers. A metaphor must match the experience of the comparison.  Does yours?  Not sure….I agree w/the call for a more serious workshop.

[Tiger the Lion]

I was also wondering about the "I guess" lines. My first instinct was that because the poem is mostly not punctuated, those 2 commas feel like a high price to pay for "I guess". I think your reader can guess for you.

[billy]

i'm back. after a few more reads i still think it's a good piece with possibly a couple of nits, but they're really arbitrary one. for me the extended metaphor works well and i know (because i showed it someone not of the site that it also worked for some who haven't been winterized or really cold. (most have seen tv winters.)
as the reader i was capable of seeing the poem through the 1st person's eyes so no trouble there. it was image rich and originally written. most of the points i made are as i said, arbitrary. whether used of not i hope they help. loved the poem

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city April, thouh i do see you're aiming for minimalism which is also okay
in long fingernail scratches would [with] work better than [in]?
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves is [and] needed?
of houses eager to open their doors
good opening stanza. great images of the title, a couple of (possibly) excess word use. i'm used to april being the end of spring so it also gives me an idea of a colder place than where i live.

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring another image that works well by allowing the reader to see through your eyes.
just trying to hurry things along, i guess is [i guess] needed?
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition a question here has to be [why]

i stepped out, leaned forward i like the half refrain. it doesn't seem trite.
and spoke
too soon, i guess this [i guess] also adds little
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky i think this is my fave two lines. it makes the sky seem like a patchwork quilt.
and the air retreated back is [back] needed? things seldom stand still or go forward/sideways/up/down when retreating, ask any Italian soldier. i suppose it could be returning to a previous state of being but for me it does little.
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily i like how the end plays back into the open chest and the wasted bravery shown.

[ChristopherSea]

As a watercolor artist, I could paint the atmosphere and vista that you created in your poem.


The piece comes across as a straight forward dread of winter and longing for spring, 

before the weather has caught up with the season. There could be a greater implied metaphor 

for some sort of loss occurring in your winter of discontent, but I would need more 

clues as to whether it was the death of a loved one or a relationship, etc.


As for the no capitalization or punctuation style, I always feel that uncapped ‘i’s 

come off too ‘emo’ or ‘little girl-like’. I understand that it is a personal preference, 

but they get me to looking for little circles or hearts above them. 


There is some opportunity for more brevity of word throughout. There are 9 ‘and’s 

and 2 ‘I guess’s that seem to detract from the poem. There are many ‘the’s 

that could go as well (I will point out a few below). 


The excess ‘and’s almost seem to be crutches to fill in for the missing punctuation. 

Commas may serve you better. I could dispense with all of the 'ands', except for 

the last one (see what you think). 


In your opening line, are both ‘cut’ and ‘scratches’ needed? They almost contradict. 

What about just: ‘April cut into the city with long fingernails.’ 


Are 3 ‘trying’s necessary in stanza 2? A comma after air may suffice for one of them.



I think you could strike the ‘I guess, because’ and ‘coldly’ from stanza 3, lines 3 and 4, 

perhaps even ‘the’ before glass. What about: ‘..spoke too soon, mercury sank back into glass. 


Again, why not simply: ‘…rain became needles, trees thread, threatening to sew winter…’ 




‘…retreated into’ would work better. ‘…retreated back into’ is redundant.




I hope you find some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it./Chris

[Wjames]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches long might not be necessary.
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors Nice opening imagery; I really like the movement/change captured in such a still image.

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition I agree with others about the "I guess"'s. It does read like something the narrator would actually say if they were speaking (or if you were performing this poem), but it doesn't really work on the page when I read it. Other than that, I like the hope/desire captured here.

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest open chest makes me think of a heart... narrator spoke their feelings too soon. The winter metaphor could of course represent just about anything, depending upon the reader's own lens of experience. The winter could represent depression, unrequited love, sickness, etc, and that's what I think makes the poem great - it's specific enough to elicit strong feelings, but general enough to be strongly relatable; everybody's had their own personal winter overstay its welcome.
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily Great ending

I really liked it, I wouldn't worry too much about whether your intended metaphor comes through or not, so long as people can find a metaphor/meaning that works for them in it. I think you could trim a few words here or there, but the poem as a whole is great.

[71degrees]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

Almost wish you hadn't asked for comments directed toward the "underlying" metaphor but since is here was wondering about all the "and's" and the "I guess" lines.  I think honestly for a person to truly understand your metaphor, they must have experienced the winter of which you speak.  I grew up in Wisconsin.  Frostbite was ever part of our lives, both as a child and into adult life.  Nothing to sneeze at and people who chose to live dangerously, often lost toes or tips or fingers. A metaphor must match the experience of the comparison.  Does yours?  Not sure….I agree w/the call for a more serious workshop.

Just to clarify: "…for a person to truly understand your metaphor, they must have experienced…"  

What I was trying to say is this:  Your language isn't "tough" enough for frostbite.  You say "cold"…frostbite isn't cold…trees crack, toes become white bones…frostbite is Jack London cold.  You use "cold" and "coldly" in the poem. I just can't see it. I've been out in sixty degree below zero wind chill.  A person is one wrong step away from dying if they've experienced frostbite.  The words of your poem need more "bite"…a person whose experience w/frostbite comes from a television show doesn't have a clue.  It needs to be in your poem.

[RSaba]

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm going to do some edits and post this, as recommended, in Serious Workshopping.

[RSaba]

Sorry it took so long - I posted the edited version!

[billy]

hi, would you like this moved to serious?

Sorry it took so long - I posted the edited version!

[RSaba]

hi, would you like this moved to serious?

Sorry it took so long - I posted the edited version!

Sure!

[billy]

sorry for not getting to the edit sooner.
a really solid edit.  (reasons given below) i'm not sure i'm a follower of no caps on words like jan and feb etc but that's just me, the minimalism shown with the punctuation (lack of) works well enough to keep.

Here's the first edit (original version is below), long overdue! Thanks for all your feedback guys.


frostbite Version 2

frostbite


april cut into the frozen city
with long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens would sudden be a better usage?
the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors good edit on the 1st stanza, the enjambment feels more pronounced without the and on the penultimate line.

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
guess i was just trying to hurry things along is [just] really needed?
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition
the dragging pace at which winter melted away i like the [tryings] some may not but they work well for me in showing a sort of futility, the last line give  just enough to round off the stanza.


i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon
because the mercury sank back into the glass
rain became needles, trees frosted thread the stronger image gives much more
threatening to sew winter back into the sky i love this line, while there's a kind of fear or something in the image, there's also a a hope it won't happen. 
and the air retreated
into a dull but biting winter chill more of an image now
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

frostbite Version 1

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily