For the Queens of Zimbabwe

[Charlesjoseph]

For the Queens of Zimbabwe

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.

Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears.

Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition,
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore.

It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young.
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair,
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me.

A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished.

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality.

Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified.

This is tough subject matter. I wanted to post this in either serious workshopping, or possibly the mentor thread but i figured this was a good first step. I think for the mentor thread you need 50 posts though. if anyone has info let me know.
Chazz

[milo]

This is tough subject matter. I wanted to post this in either serious workshopping, or possibly the mentor thread but i figured this was a good first step. I think for the mentor thread you need 50 posts though. if anyone has info let me know.
Chazz

Yes, 50 post minimum.

[justcloudy]

Hi Chazz

I've seen other things you've posted and while I do think it's an improvement (which is a testament to your commitment to poetry which is great to see) I think that for the most part here you were trying too hard.

Comments below.

For the Queens of Zimbabwe

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.

Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears. This is pretty uninteresting, and doesn't have much to do with the line above. And Africa is huge, btw. And very diverse. Maybe narrow it down to a country or region.

Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition, Are you talking about cannibals here?
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore.

It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young. Very disturbing. But not in a good way since I'm not sure what your second meaning is here...
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair, Boring.
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. How? Why? Really?

A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. Do "you" really have a place in this poem? I feel like this is supposed the climax: the speaker's enlightenment. But it's not very enlightening for the reader.

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality. What myth?

Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. Huh?

This is tough subject matter. I wanted to post this in either serious workshopping, or possibly the mentor thread but i figured this was a good first step. I think for the mentor thread you need 50 posts though. if anyone has info let me know.
Chazz

There must be something in your head that strings this poem together, but as I reader I can't see it. Your job is to guide the reader through a story, or emotions or a process or something, but here I just left confused. But like I said before, your writing is getting better, so keep listening to crits, writing, and posting!

Looking forward to seeing a (heavily reworked) revision.

-justcloudy

[Stephanie]

A difficult topic indeed.

For the Queens of Zimbabwe - I like the title, I like that it is speaks of dignity.

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.

Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears. - I understood what the topic of the poem was immediately after these two lines so it was clear. I have to admit that I almost didn't read on because as you say it is a hard topic and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there myself emotionally. I think you could find a stronger image for that second line. It was clear but it didn't really grab me.

Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition, - I like this line
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore. - the next two lines feel a bit clunky to me. The line screams and smiles is a bit confusing. I think you can tighten up. I understand the point - that they are human beings although not always seen that way in this context but I think their is a more interesting way of saying it.

It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation,
where dying animals devour the young. - these lines confused me.
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair,
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. - again I get what you are saying here, I see the image of you in your chair while these atrocities are taking place but these lines read a bit strangely to me.

A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. - I am not sure about this part. It takes the focus away from the girls and back on to you. I feel the piece is about trying to shine a light on this awful practice and this reads a bit 'poor me!' to me. Also I think by writing about it you are doing something!

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality.

Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. - I like the loop round the pattern at the start. The last two lines aren't particularly strong to me though.

I think this is a brave topic so I hope you will keep working on it. It was clear to me what it was about.

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey there thanks for the feedback.
As i said i knew there were flaws here. Thats why i wanted to workshop this poem. This is a first pass, and i will take the critiques with me into the second draft.
Thanks
Chazz

[Todd]

Hi Chazz, not familiar with the specific issues the poem is raising. I get female genital mutilation and possibly cannibalism from the content.

I think this poem suffers some because it's dealing with a heavy topic, and it is mostly making statements rather than drawing us into either a narrative, or allowing the imagery to do the work. Let me give you an example, that you may have already read, of what I'm talking about (equally tough topic handled by Lucille Clifton). Maybe her poem will illustrate some ideas, and help.

shapeshifter poems

Best,

Todd

[Charlesjoseph]

Hi Chazz, not familiar with the specific issues the poem is raising. I get female genital mutilation and possibly cannibalism from the content.

I think this poem suffers some because it's dealing with a heavy topic, and it is mostly making statements rather than drawing us into either a narrative, or allowing the imagery to do the work. Let me give you an example, that you may have already read, of what I'm talking about (equally tough topic handled by Lucille Clifton). Maybe her poem will illustrate some ideas, and help.

shapeshifter poems

Best,

Todd

Hey todd,
Thanks for the example. Yea this is new ground for me. I recently watched a documentary that messed my head up a bit. Not to go into too much detail the core content was that healers in zimbabwe tell men that if they sleep with a virgin that it will cure them of hiv/aids. Sounds preposterous but it's a horrible reality considering the century that we are currently living in. I think i know what i need to do now to fix this.
thanks,
Chazz

[heslopian]

For the Queens of Zimbabwe

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth exists among diseased men.

Somewhere in Africa,
scores of innocent eyes are wet with tears.

Dubbed pure by legend, meat by tradition,
their screams and smiles are human.
Their virgin blood only sacred in folklore. This is really our first introduction to the horror of this poem; it's a dark and visceral verse, blending words like "virgin", "blood" and "sacred" to great effect.

It's a heavy petting zoo of mutilation, Brilliant line, contrasting innocence ("petting zoo") with horror ("mutilation").
where dying animals devour the young.
And as I sit here in a comfortable chair,
a dirge of lacerated sexual organs
weeps its way over continents, to me. Wonderfully repulsive two lines to round this out.

A man, without weapon or remedy
A citizen, unable to change a culture
A human, whose faith in humanity
is once again diminished. This is my least favourite verse. It's a bit obvious and melodramatic.

Somewhere in Africa,
a myth has become reality.

Somewhere in Africa,
The ignorance of man personified. This is slightly problematic, as it kind of connects "Africa" with "ignorance", as though the latter would naturally belong in the former. I know that that wasn't your intention, but it leaves an odd taste. The previous couplet would be a much better close, I think.

Is this poem about female genital mutilation? That is my best guess, anyway. I really like your wording in the more intense, brutal lines. With a touch more subtlety here and there this poem could be great. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read