Would appreciate your feedback

[beaufort]

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.

This is edited based on feedback


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for their own;
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life.
While no one was watching, you dwindled away.
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning

[Todd]

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in his dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for one’s own;
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life.
While no one was watching you dwindled away.
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning

With the minor nit (and this is a style choice on my part) of cutting the second him in L4, this is one of the better poems I've read on here. It seems publishable right now. Sorry I couldn't find any issues with it, probably a poor effort on my part.

[beaufort]

Thanks! Appreciate it.

[justcloudy]

Really interesting read, seemed fresh and heavy at once, in a very good way. Minor comments below.

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in his dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for one’s own; "their own" would be grammatically correct here
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town. I like shorts-clad a lot, until I read it aloud, and then it becomes a bit clunky.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life. love that image
While no one was watching you dwindled away. comma after watching
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning need a full stop

Lovely. Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

[beaufort]

Really interesting read, seemed fresh and heavy at once, in a very good way. Minor comments below.

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in his dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for one’s own; "their own" would be grammatically correct here
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town. I like shorts-clad a lot, until I read it aloud, and then it becomes a bit clunky.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life. love that image
While no one was watching you dwindled away. comma after watching
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning need a full stop

Lovely. Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

---

Thanks for the feedback - I appreciate it and will keep working!

[beaufort]

Thanks for your reply - appreciate it...

[Todd]

Well, I've been reading this, and do see one thing you probably may want to consider. I think there may be some confusion when you transition fro this day to you. I'll make one minor adjustment to the strophe breaks below that may fix it.

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.

This is edited based on feedback


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for their own;
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town.
This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life.

While no one was watching, you dwindled away.
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning

Just a thought.

Best,

Todd

[beaufort]

This reads much better, thanks. Seems so obvious when someone else points it out. I don't know why I get stuck on stanzas needing to be the same length. I appreciate your help. Linda