Until Him

[EmilyJune519]

She never cried
into her father’s shoulders,
tears staining the Oxford shirt,
or ached to ache inside,
from loving long and hard.
He was the sand
she could never keep
in her hands at the beach,
escaping between fingers.
His words like paper-cuts--
I’m not going with you;
I don’t love you enough for that
--sting salty with each load
she packs into her car.
Her rearview obscured,
she has no reason to look back.
I’m not going with you;
I don’t love you enough for that.

[justcloudy]

Hi Emily,

There are some really nice images in here... staining tears, sand, "sting salty", car loaded up full... I like the pictures your words paint in my head. New England and grey. But for me a lot of the poem is at once too obvious and too obscure.

Obscurity: he's her dad, and he's not going with her where? To college? That's the only scenario I can think of. Unless it'd be to evacuate from a hurricane, but now I'm just grasping at straws. ;p And he doesn't love her enough for what? I'm confused. Or is only the beginning about the father and the "he" is someone else?

Too obvious: the quote in italics, it's not very poetic. Repeating it didn't help. Not a huge fan of "loving long and hard" but that's probably just me. There are 4 lines talking about sand; they could easily be condensed into 2 or 3.

I really like most of it, but what I don't like sticks out. Looking forward to an edit.

-justcloudy

[billy]

the actual words are good but i do have a problem. is she leaving the father or the lover. i'm sure it's the lover but the transition from dad to cad could maybe use an extra line to make it more clear. the title does it's job but could maybe do with that extra line.
other than that it's just an odd nit. i do think if you broke the block of the poem up with line spacing at the --'s it might add something.

there's a sadness and an underlying strength in the poem that makes for a good read. thanks for posting it

She never cried
into her father’s shoulders, i like the image here, onto would be expected by some but into creates the better picture.
tears staining the Oxford shirt,
or ached to ache inside, had to be read a couple of times to make sure i got it right. but it works.
from loving long and hard.
He was the sand
she could never keep
in her hands at the beach,
escaping between fingers.
His words like paper-cuts-- wondering if a line space would help here.
I’m not going with you;
I don’t love you enough for that
--sting salty with each load
she packs into her car.
Her rearview obscured, is rearview an Americanism?
she has no reason to look back.
I’m not going with you;
I don’t love you enough for that.

[SirBrendan]

The poem seems to have a confusing nature where the girl is experiencing her father like a lost lover. It's confusing. I'd be wary of certain lines that give that impression, such as, "or ached to ache inside, from loving long and hard. "

There is a double meaning to that phrase which is pretty inescapable for me; it's creepy following in the line directly after her never crying into her father.

I think with that line removed and some quick add-ins to ensure that this is the father rather than the obscure 'him, or that the obscure 'him' is a separate entity from the father, you could very much have a sweet poem here

[jdeirmend]

Emily,

The vision itself has the potential to be very poignant. The short lines seem to me well-crafted, and the conciseness lends itself to a engaging, quick little glimpse into the speaker's heart.

I will second the objections mentioned by Billy and Brendan. The poem doesn't seem to make a study of erotic transference, as much as instantiate it, which can be either troubling or fascinating, depending on how you look at it. Still, that it fails to make a study suggests a lack of control, as the narrator gives a insufficiently detached peek into the life of someone who can't see to the root of her tragedy: confusing her lover with her father. You could potentially "make this work" by making some distance between the events the poem describes, and how they are narrated.

The other objection I have is to the italicized lines. I don't think their italicization gives me reason for pause, so much as the content. Let's look at it:

"I’m not going with you;
I don’t love you enough for that."

Even if there are asshole boyfriends out there who would say such a thing -- and there perhaps are -- it lends a certain air of incredulity to the poem. It makes me question if the beloved's reasons aren't perhaps much more complex and defensible than all that.

My cliched suggestion, for whatever it's worth: don't tell it, show it. I want to see the boyfriend as an agent in this piece; to see him make some subtle gesture that shows that he doesn't love her enough. Or at least some back story to tell me more about why she's leaving, and why he won't go, beyond "I don't love you enough for that."