Full Edit City Statue

[beaufort]

City Statue

With an air of grace she stands alone -
A glimmer of wetness on her face,
Years of weather have cracked her wings,
Sheath and urn long matted with moss,
Her speckled eyes full of age, full of loss.
So fragile she looks from this angle,
Though a clumsy man with awkward feet
Fails to cause her to loose balance.
This man means her no harm.

He comes each day eating sour fruit
That sets his teeth on edge, his
Hands ink-darked by the morning's news -
A man who's lost much, with little more to lose.
An islander whose heart is an island of fear,
With spare speech quiet as if strained through silk,
Haunted by those who were never here.
He sets up his chess set, two queens first
And plays both sides alone into the night.

[conrado888]

Hi there Beaufort, thanks for sharing.

I would to say well done on the strong details and peacefulness you managed to evoke through your verses. Overall I think I liked it, it took me a few reads to get to grips with it which isn't a problem for me but it might be for others. Although you are a definitely on the right track there are a two things that troubled me:

-The lack of rhythm in the text made the piece free flowing which I felt did not suit it. If you stuck to a metric rhythm that would personify the rigidness of the statue through the forms of your verse
-I was confused by the role of the clumsy man, I feel like you are undecided whether he is an important figure in the poem or a casual side character. At the moment his presence is a bit ambiguous because I feel he is under used as the text in the final two stanzas drift from him back to the statue. Perhaps dedicating a whole stanza to him would help achieve the role you had in mind for him.

Anyway all of this is just my humble opinion so best of luck!

P.S: would you mind telling where this statue is located? I'm curious now!

[beaufort]

Thanks for your feedback - appreciate it. The poem was inspired by Bethesda Fountain in Central Park, and the man is supposed to represent a homeless man who lives in the park. I agree with the need for improved meter and clarity of meaning. Back to work!