Lords of the Trees

[ChristopherSea]

final

Lords of the Trees

We built a tree house
for our clandestine club,
convened in dense limbs
unnoticed from below;

a guardian watchtower
to spy invaders of yards
and girls’ silhouettes
inside their boudoirs.

-------------------------

cloudy/heart edit 1

Lords of the Trees

We built a tree house
for our clandestine club,
convened in dense limbs
unnoticed from below;

a guardian watchtower
to spy invaders of yards
and girls’ silhouettes
inside their boudoirs.

Thank you fellow poets!

-----------------------
Lords of the Trees

We built a tree house
for our clandestine club;
convened in dense limbs
unbeknownst from below.

A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards
and girls’ silhouettes
within their boudoirs.

[justcloudy]

What I like: the topic; the original wording; the length.
What I don't like: these are little boys. that's not how they talk. personal preference really; "unbeknownst" is awkward

The likes outweigh the dislikes, but I feel it's too distant. Kinda wispy. Needs more punch.

-justcloudy

[ChristopherSea]

What I like: the topic; the original wording; the length.
What I don't like: these are little boys. that's not how they talk. personal preference really; "unbeknownst" is awkward

The likes outweigh the dislikes, but I feel it's too distant. Kinda wispy. Needs more punch.

-justcloudy

Thank you so much for your time and critique cloudy! This is a reminisence and not the voice of a boy. However, I will re-examine this impression in an edit if possible. Although, I personally like it's sonics herein, I could certainly find a subtitute for unbeknownst. Much obliged for you sharing you read with me!/Chris

[Heartafire]

Hi Christopher, I like this poem a lot, It caught my attention with it's title and I think you've written a fine short piece on a sweet topic; KIds with their secreted hide-away. I agree that you could improve this with better word choices.
We built a tree house
for our clandestine club; secret?
convened in dense limbs concealed? unbeknownst from below. unseen?
A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards spy
within their boudoirs. inside

granted this simplifies it but seems fitting for kids. jmo.

You could expound on the invasion of privacy of the young girls.

I love the boyish tone of this, good job.
Heart

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Christopher, I like this poem a lot, It caught my attention with it's title and I think you've written a fine short piece on a sweet topic; KIds with their secreted hide-away. I agree that you could improve this with better word choices.
We built a tree house
for our clandestine club; secret?
convened in dense limbs concealed? unbeknownst from below. unseen?
A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards spy
within their boudoirs. inside

granted this simplifies it but seems fitting for kids. jmo.

You could expound on the invasion of privacy of the young girls.

I love the boyish tone of this, good job.
Heart

I appreciate your suggestions on this heartafire! I was just editing and think you may have something I will use. Stand-by! Cheers/Chris

---

Hi Christopher, I like this poem a lot, It caught my attention with it's title and I think you've written a fine short piece on a sweet topic; KIds with their secreted hide-away. I agree that you could improve this with better word choices.
We built a tree house
for our clandestine club; secret?
convened in dense limbs concealed? unbeknownst from below. unseen?
A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards spy
within their boudoirs. inside

granted this simplifies it but seems fitting for kids. jmo.

You could expound on the invasion of privacy of the young girls.

I love the boyish tone of this, good job.
Heart

I appreciate your suggestions on this heartafire! This was cut from a much larger poem. It did not elaborate on the girls. They spied on us too. In fact, Lynn pants-ed me once! I was just editing and think you may have something I will use. Stand-by! Cheers/Chris

[tectak]

Hi Christopher, I like this poem a lot, It caught my attention with it's title and I think you've written a fine short piece on a sweet topic; KIds with their secreted hide-away. I agree that you could improve this with better word choices.
We built a tree house
for our clandestine club; secret?
convened in dense limbs concealed? unbeknownst from below. unseen?
A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards spy
within their boudoirs. inside

granted this simplifies it but seems fitting for kids. jmo.

You could expound on the invasion of privacy of the young girls.

I love the boyish tone of this, good job.
Heart

hi cris/heart,
I do not normally hijack threads but heart has the hammer that hits the nail. You should be careful of wordiness in context...and moreso out of it. There is nothing wrong with simple. I note your edit. Now I can resonate...I don't do much of that these days but any piece which by its inherent simplicity can move me deserves simple praise. Unbeknownst!....sheesh!
Best, tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Christopher, I like this poem a lot, It caught my attention with it's title and I think you've written a fine short piece on a sweet topic; KIds with their secreted hide-away. I agree that you could improve this with better word choices.
We built a tree house
for our clandestine club; secret?
convened in dense limbs concealed? unbeknownst from below. unseen?
A guardian watchtower
to espy invaders of yards spy
within their boudoirs. inside

granted this simplifies it but seems fitting for kids. jmo.

You could expound on the invasion of privacy of the young girls.

I love the boyish tone of this, good job.
Heart

hi cris/heart,
I do not normally hijack threads but heart has the hammer that hits the nail. You should be careful of wordiness in context...and moreso out of it. There is nothing wrong with simple. I note your edit. Now I can resonate...I don't do much of that these days but any piece which by its inherent simplicity can move me deserves simple praise. Unbeknownst!....sheesh!
Best, tectak

Thanks boss! It's been edited. I may extend it as well. Cheers/Chris

[justcloudy]

Nicely done, the edit is so much more poignant for me.

One last comment: doesnt yard and boudoirs rhyme enoug to warrant a rhyme in the stanza above? That had been bugging me from the beginning but I didnt put my finger on it till now.

[ChristopherSea]

Nicely done, the edit is so much more poignant for me.

One last comment: doesnt yard and boudoirs rhyme enoug to warrant a rhyme in the stanza above? That had been bugging me from the beginning but I didnt put my finger on it till now.

Thanks for the help cloudy! Yes, they do near rhyme and I could certeinly see if I could come up with another. However, I am a fan of random and slant rhyme for emphasis and sonics without necessarily carrying them throughout an entire piece. Cheers/Chris