Post-Utopian

[Viktor Vaughn]

The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars.

Obviously life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism.
Yesterday is a dream,
while tomorrow is a nightmare.

[ellajam]

Hi, Viktor, you've got some striking images here. While for me the beginning was strong, I feel the rest could use some tightening up. Here are some notes.

The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope. Strong opening, I really like this line
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down. Here it seems like you started listing facts. meh.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars. Strong image

Obviously life was different. obviously, stating the obvious, , cut
Cement skeletons with glass for skin. well said
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums. I'm sure you could find a more interesting way to say this

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism.
Yesterday is a dream, not a fan of this ending, it states longing and fear but doesn't make me feel it.
while tomorrow is a nightmare.

I think you have something to work on here, hopefully you'll get some more crits so you can compare responses.

Thanks for posting this.

[heslopian]

The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades. Excellent last two lines. Redolent of post-apocalypse.

People broke down.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive. The rhyme here is a bit corny, which rhymes tend to be when they're not backed up by consistency and meter. I'd suggest replacing "captive" with "hostage".
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars. "Our" stars? A touch confusing. "The stars" would make more sense, but I may be missing a meaning.

Obviously life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin Really good, creepy image.
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums. Nice bitterness about this line.

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism. Interesting.
Yesterday is a dream,
while tomorrow is a nightmare. These last two lines are cliche. "The future holds no realism" would be a sharper close.

My critique is purely JMHO, of course. Overall I thought this was a good poem. I think it's a metaphor for the end of a romantic relationship, and it contains some really good images, showing that you have a gift for such