I Killed Myself Yesterday

[Orion]

I couldn't feel the deep impact,
Writing in red with ease.
Sticking my little finger tips,
Bringing out the knife.

Carving words on my arm,
Looking to stain a vein.
Thrusting in over again...
Humming my last tune.

But today I woke up again,
Reading the words with disgust.
But I woke up from yesterday,
And God,
I was alive.
----
Version Two

I couldn't feel the deep impact,
Writing in red with ease.
Sticking my little finger tips,
Bringing out the knife.

Carving words on my arm,
Looking to strain a vein.
Thrusting in over again...
Humming my last tune.

But today I woke up again,
Reading the words with disgust.
But I woke up from yesterday,
And for my last regret;
I was alive.

~Orion

[ThePinsir]

I couldn't feel the deep impact,
Writing in red with ease.
Sticking my little finger tips,
Bringing out the knife.

Carving words on my arm, I'd be interested to know what words in particular.
Looking to stain a vein. no me gusta
Thrusting in over again...
Humming my last tune. love it

But today I woke up again,
Reading the words with disgust.
But I woke up from yesterday,
And God, what about God?
I was alive.

~Orion

This is new and exciting :p


Seriously though, I like the opening "I couldn't feel". This suggests it's not the first time the speaker "killed himself". "Looking to stain a vein" seems kind of forced and awkward; that may just be me though.
"Humming my last tune" again suggests the speaker is calm and used to cutting, which makes the poem a bit deeper.

Then he/she wakes up in disgust. Maybe "waking up" is his/her deep realization that what he/she did is wrong. But you have the word "AGAIN". He's "woken up" several times before. The speaker is in a vicious cycle. He'll probably keep cutting and eventually kill him/herself.

Usually this isn't my cup of tea. I liked yours though.

[Orion]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to edit the lines when I get off mobile.

[Volaticus]

Version Two

I couldn't feel the deep impact,
Writing in red with ease.
Sticking my little finger tips,
Bringing out the knife.

Carving words on my arm,
Looking to strain a vein.
Thrusting in over again...
Humming my last tune.

But today I woke up again,
Reading the words with disgust.
But I woke up from yesterday,
And for my last regret;
I was alive.

~Orion

Hi Orion,

Lines 2-8 all start with an -ing word. And then again in L 10. For me, it made the poem very list-like and monotone. Because of the content and the sense of repetition in the narrator's actions, I do see how monotony could have its place in this poem, it just didn't quite work for me as it is now. Too many -ings.

You have different tenses in the first sentence. "Couldn't" (past) and writing (present). I would suggest "can't" instead of "couldn't". I have the same issue with the last stanza. The first sentence has "woke up" (past) followed by "reading" (present). Maybe change it to "read". To my ear, it reads better that way. I could be wrong of course.

I don't think you need the two "but"s in the last stanza.

Just some thoughts and JMHO that you can consider or disregard as you wish.

Best,
LB