Bittersweet Silence

[johannat]

Across the room
Head thrown back , laughing
Laughing that robust chuckle of yours
For some girl
Some girl that doesn't know you.

For a sweet while,
I was yours
We spent grey afternoons and black nights
Many black nights, just talking.
Back when that laugh was meant for me

Down by the canal,
Heads against an old log
Our knees propped side by side
"Cloudgazing", I called it
And you laughed.

Many days later
My head still tender, bruised from that log
I pressed it, prodded it
And smiled
Thinking of you.

Now I watch you
Laughing with other girls, nobodies
But I feel your eyes on me
And I wonder,
If you wish I was still your one and only

[tectak]

Across the room
Head thrown back , laughing It is retro to capitalise every line and worse to use line breaks as random punctuation. What you have written here is text in chunks.
Laughing that robust chuckle of yours
For some girl
Some girl that doesn't know you.

For a sweet while,
I was yours
We spent grey afternoons and black nights
Many black nights, just talking.
Back when that laugh was meant for me There is a thought here but you are not letting yourself go. To use a cliche once is only just excusable but to repeat it is frankly...er...creative! black nights black nights...sheesh!

Down by the canal,
Heads against an old log
Our knees propped side by side
"Cloudgazing", I called it
And you laughed. Why? What's funny? Is this girl entirely sane?

Many days later
My head still tender, bruised from that log Get over the log
I pressed it, prodded it It is an obsession. You went back and pressed and prodded an old log? See why we devised punctuation?
And smiled "and" is the weakest of all words. It is to poetry what "sum" is to mathematics. You will use it again. I could have said "again and again". Re-structure the stanza.
Thinking of you.

Now I watch you
Laughing with other girls, nobodies
But I feel your eyes on me
And I wonder, Possibly the worst construction I have had the misfortune to read. My eyes bleed. The next line is worse. End on a thumping great cliche. If you've read it before it may be a cliche...if it has been sung, it definitely is.
If you wish I was still your one and only

What is it about you and the godamm log?
I can see that you are trying to get detail into your work and that is worthy. You might like to consider simple rhyming verse just to force you in to a poetic frame. I know that wimps howl at the thought of restrictions in freedom of expression but if you are put in to that cage you will need to think about everything at once...rhythm, rhyme, economy, imagery and the rest. In other words, tighten up.
Best,
tectak
Best,
tectak

[tigrflye]

For me, this is a big improvement from "I Should Have Told You".
Your images could be stronger and meter would help. Don't capitalize the beginning of every line unless it is starting a fresh sentence. If the line is starting in the middle of a sentence, leave it lowercase.
Also, if possible, try not to repeat words/ideas.
If you say "log", try not to say it again. If you need to revisit that thought later in the poem, I recommend using a different word "bark, trunk, fallen tree, oak, etc" this is just in general - of course repeating words has its uses. But I think its a good rule for the most part.
Another tip, you have no periods. Well..a few sporadic ones. You do have some commas.. but it would help in the reading if there was some punctuation at the end of sentences so the reader knew when to pause.. when to start a fresh thought.
It may help you see this if we turn your poem into a paragraph.

Across the room Head thrown back , laughing Laughing that robust chuckle of yours For some girl Some girl that doesn't know you. For a sweet while, I was yours We spent grey afternoons and black nights Many black nights, just talking. Back when that laugh was meant for me Down by the canal, Heads against an old log Our knees propped side by side"Cloudgazing", I called it And you laughed. Many days later My head still tender, bruised from that log I pressed it, prodded it And smiled Thinking of you. Now I watch you Laughing with other girls, nobodies But I feel your eyes on me And I wonder,If you wish I was still your one and only

Last tip, your first line is very important. It's job is to make us want to keep reading. "Across the room" could be better.
Hoping to help,
You are improving - keep it up!
Jenn